I have to write a blog- oh god I haven’t planned anything to write about.
So other than the fact that my life is basically a complete and total failure and that I have driven into the ground almost every statement I have made about myself and my life...
well...
Awhile ago I heard from someone in the Desteni process something that sounded like this:
“The greatest point of support that I have given myself is [how I have cut out everyone from my life who was abusing/ participating in the mind]”
-it was something like that.
and I will write this blog about how I am beginning to understand what the statement above looks like in application.
Somewhere along the line of this humiliating disaster that is my life, I have learned (through trial-and-error) that in order to stop fighting with my family I have to stop participating with them in mind-system-fights.
What does that mean in specifics?
Well what I used to do was this:
I would be “talking” with my father and I would see our intercourse begin to descend into energetic, emotional abuse. We would begin “a fight.”
So inside myself I am furious and I am wanting to “attack/ harm/ defeat my father”
...but this desire to “beat”/ beat my father in the argument... it is so unjust. It is so something that I just cannot, cannot continue to justify in myself. So I have to stop.
So what I have done is the following:
I will “stop” -----talking.
I will stop talking with my father and then continue to fight with him in my mind. Suppressing, suppressing, suppressing the feeling that “I have lost” and the desire to, somehow, anyhow, “find a way” to continue the fight so that I can feel like I have “won” in some way, and that this “way” is somehow justified-- because “I want to feel good about myself.”
So already right there I can see that I am fucked because I am actually still fighting with my father in my thoughts.
How is that different now and what have I done:
Well for a long, long time I have been to afraid to make the following statement:
“I am not participating with this anymore.”
-and not just with the emotional abuse with my father, but with every single human being in my life I have been afraid to make that statement:
“I am not participating with this anymore.”
-and actually, I realize as I write this that I am actually able to use those exact words as a tool to make the statement,
-not only to my family and the people in my life, but to myself as well--
-that I am not going to allow myself to continue the emotional abuse that exists within “fighting.”
I can just stop.
I can literally just say:
“I do not want to continue this conversation.”
“I do not want to talk anymore.”
“I am not participating anymore.”
-and not “fight”, and not “stop talking because I want to feel right and feel like it is my father’s fault that I am in an argument-- I can literally just, plainly and simply speak direct self-direction:
some form of the statement:
“I am not participating anymore.”
-and then breathe and make sure that I do not allow myself to ‘fight’ anymore, not even with thoughts. Breathing is probably key, like they say at Desteni.
-So I have not really ever realized this before, I have only done ‘stopping’ in pretend.
