I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself
Judgment is unnecessary
Judgment is abusive
Why abuse myself for no purpose?
Why hide from what is inevitable when the cost is so heavy, so useless, so evil, unjust, invalid and self-destructive?
-because, it seems, even though I know the pros and cons of personality, I still value the *chance that I might be able to ‘escape into the paradise of the mind’ if I continue to play the game. I am a gambling addict.
So its time to stop gambling with my life and start the process of self-forgiveness and self-honest self-acceptance. This is the only thing that is worth the life I live, everything else is a despicable squander- I mean, there is really no good excuse for me. I have had Desteni for almost 3 years and I have haven’t changed. I’ve just re-arranged my interests, my distractions.
(“Distraction” in medical terms means “when some force pulls the skeleton apart” -like when some-one hangs themselves, the force that the spine undergoes is called “distraction.”)
(“Traction” is the force applied to the ground when a tire is pulling the weight of a car. The more traction the tire has, the more effective a pull the thing has in order to be able to MOVE. “Dis-traction”)
I constantly experience this point:
I will find myself thinking, participating in the same patterns that I have undergone for the last 6 or so years, and I will become angry with myself for being what I apparently have judged to be “negative”... “not good enough” - and I will start breathing and completely suppress the issue.
Okay. Done, thats all that needs to be said about that, from here it is my task to actually get my hands dirty and start to handle this shit. With self-honesty, self-direction and self-forgiveness
And this is what it is like, the confounding confusing, ‘no-sense’ to my problems- ‘the reason why’ I ‘can never quite ‘find the answer’, is because it is just this simple- I just don’t want to get my hands dirty. Its a big mess and it seems easier to just ignore it and stay in my private torment chamber- stay in hope that somehow, someway, something better is just going to happen.
motherfucking hell.
like just now, my hand goes to the mouse- like I am going to switch boxes and then go and look for 'something else’ to hide from here, to hide from me, to hide from my very life here.
My back hurts and I’m in the library and there is nothing in my future that I want to experience.
That’s what it feels like.
So. Obviously I have to stop judging my future, judging myself, judging and cursing myself to continue this way by assuming and, in that, justifying my continued participation in the continued creation of this mess.
and then I have no idea why the fuck it happens- why the fuck I would do this to myself, when “So much greater exists for me” <- this also, is an illusion. It is a veil I have placed over process, so that I can exist in hope.
Okay. I feel like I am working myself into judgment again. So that I can sit in the righteous position of judging what I have become through placing this value on the things that I’ve done.
so stop. make sure I am standing as self-responsibility, as specific self-direction. Me here in every breath to assure that I will not allow myself in any moment to fall into energetic deception without my participation for self-correction. -I say “without my participation for self-correction”, because I do not believe it is possible to stop all energetic movements now.
and thats an queer thing, isn’t it? That I “don’t know how/ have no idea how” -why am I so dependant on my ideas? Why do I need memory in order to act? -This asking why is the problem. This asking why is the very essence of my dependency on the mind. In that motion of “asking why”, I am not ensuring myself Here as stability and self-direction as breathing and active participation with every moment of my reality.
...
Okay I just deleted a half page of type about some stuff that is about what is going on in this library. I was judging my habit of becoming distracted from me, here.
I am blanking- I would type “I don’t know what to say” if I did not know better. Breathe. Direct. Move.
Stop judging myself.
Stop believing, accepting and allowing this judgment to be taken as a valid influence.
I have become dependant on this judgment to interact with my reality. It is “all I know”. Therefore, I breathe and direct myself through the experience of energetic movement, not allowing myself to follow thoughts, not allowing myself to suppress movement that comes up in me, but, Breathing and letting go.
I am really, really tired all of a sudden. Bernard mentioned things like this may happen.
(I stop typing and my eyes start to dart around the room, looking at a woman’s ass and then ‘straight ahead’, because I have judged 'feeding off of the picture of a woman’s ass and want to appear 'in control and strong’ - to feel this way in order to suppress how I experience ineiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
whoop. I just kind of fell asleep there^.
So, I am going to stop this and move onto other tasks that I have to do... after I pack up my electronics and go find a drinking fountain.
