(before I do any writing, I know it has been a long time since I last posted here. For anyone who would have otherwise been frequenting my blog I apologize. I promise that I will post here at least once a week- minimum. I would prefer, however, to do posts about my daily experience of myself 2 or 3 times a week. Thanks)
so there was this clash between my
1.desire to be special and perfect so I could “isolate myself from the world” and exist in my own self-sustaining system where “I could be happy (and perfect) forever without anyone else having the ability to ’make’ me feel otherwise”- and to an extent I ‘got there’. I put so much energy and dedication into creating this veil so that I could live in a world where no-one ever saw who I really was, that it ‘just happened’ that a few times came up where ‘all the points’ ‘were being met’. -or I could say: that for ‘all the points’ of information-emotional-values (like how I felt about how my biceps looked) that I was ‘judging myself by’ in polarity of ‘special-shameful’, the positive charge “checked out”. But, I seldom remember ever having had the ‘space to develop’ in my totally becoming the arrogant fucking demon that I would have been if ‘these points’ were made into the foundation-construct for my consideration of reality.
(I mean, don’t get me wrong, I “tried-it”, but there was “always something” I found that 'was wrong’ - and these ‘wrong points’ eventually ‘destroyed’ the whole construct-thing.
and thank fucking god I never had enough tools to screw myself hard enough to really believe in my bullshit or I would be totally and completely fucked right now.
(( ^that above sounds really confusing, and thats not cool so Im gonna try and rephrase it.
So in my world there were ‘certain points’ that I constantly ‘referred back to’ in order to determine my ‘value, ie ‘how I felt about myself’. So whenever a ‘point came up’ in my life where things ‘slowed down’ and I became aware that I was really not happy- and that my existence was dedicated to avoiding this 'depression and unhappiness’, I would then direct my attention to ‘points’, where I hoped I could find ‘proof’ that: “no, I am not as worthless as I feel, look at how pretty my face is.” Or: “look at how pretty my biceps are” ))
and my
2.desire to consume- to ‘feel comfortable and full’ from filling my stomach with food. (likely because of the association with experiences I’ve had in childhood. Family-dinner was like a “peace area” that everyone respected within the otherwise chaotic “war-zone” ) --this is an interesting experience, it, (at first), was like a desire to escape from my constant self-judgment and get into a place where I was allowed to ‘be me’- meaning, where I was allowed to ‘give up and be happy by whatever means necessary, so that I would feel ‘okay‘ with myself and would not have to ‘try’ anymore to ‘become greater’. -what is interesting about this, is that I have actually not stopped judging myself and comparing myself to pictures of others and ideas of greatness, so the feeling of “oh I am just allowing myself to stop self-judgment” is dishonest. It is in fact, like I said, simply a desire to escape and hide from the already existent self-judgment and ruthless, relentless PUSHING for me to ‘become greater’. (which is like... exactly what my father was always doing to me in my childhood.)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my father for what I have become, in effect enslaving me to that relationship and allowing it to continue existing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed and possessed with my father’s inability to move or see what is going on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my father for refusing to listen to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my father for telling me that I am weak and invaluable because I am ‘not good enough’ to achieve under conditions of abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for not being good enough to achieve under conditions of abuse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my father for my inability to achieve under conditions of abuse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become hypnotized by “achievement”, so that I will disregard and condition myself to not notice that I am actually abusing myself.
So- because this escapism into “Lax-ness and apathy” was in actuality self-deception and suppression, it kept happening that 'there would come a point’ where, to my horror, the self-judgment would 'come up again’ (meaning, the layer of deception thru entertainment and stimulation wore off) and I would feel horrible about myself for having 'fallen from god’s good graces’- and would want all the more to get up and lift weights for an hour. This is like, psychotic behavior. -that I would KNOW was a problem, but justify, simply because it fed and placated the monster within me that needed to be fed on glory and power. Its interesting how, like, I’ve ALWAYS, ALWAYS know EXACTLY what was going on, I mean, it was just so fucking obvious, but I literally... just... continued. Continued until I had worn out and burnt out every path of possible escape from who I am... and only after so much bullshit do I see... Oh. Self-Honesty, Self-Responsibility, and Self-Dedication thru Writing, Breathing and Self-Forgiveness.its fucking rediculous.
I mean- here. Let me put this in perspective. Of all I have written about the development of the experience of my ‘eating disorder'- I have only just gotten to the point where this problem began to really ‘come to the surface’ in my life. As I write this text, memories come up within me that ‘give me markers’ as to ‘how this story developed’ - my memory trail up to this point has advanced to a stage where I am 16 years old. I still have 2.5 years of experiences yet to type out. The actual experience of myself as “one who has an Eating Disorder”- has yet to even emerge!
-in part one I left off without really explaining this point:
My relationship towards food when I was a child:
Well, I remember that I hated school and loved weekends. On Saturday mornings I would eat sugary cereal until I felt sick. That was like: “the cue to stop”, when I felt a little sick. Usually 3 full bowls of cereal. and this was: Not a problem. It was just ‘who I was’ and ‘what came naturally’ to me. I remember one of the first times that I probably was suppressing the judgment of “I am greedy. I am bad. This is too much.” - I was probably... 9 or 10. And, I suppressed this new, unsightly, unfriendly, grotesque voice in my head by: adding more cereal to the bowl and smiling about it.
Okay- so, there’s my relationship to food as a child. I enjoyed onions and ranch dressing on my salad when mom would make dinner.
Also- I was always a very thin person- so the american phobia of body-fat did not have fertile grounds to take root in me until I began to turn my ‘all seeing I’ onto my body later on in life.
so back to the 'plot’, where I am 16, extremely insecure about myself, obsessed with achieving greatness in some form or another- and then also wanting to escape this nightmare by “completely disengaging and entertaining myself forever with food, drugs, sex and entertainment”.
-It is total split-personality here, where two men are competing with each other.
I will call the man who wants to achieve greatness, and defines this as good: Dom
and
I will call the man who wants to escape completely and just be rid of the whole thing, and defines this as good: Lax
Interestingly enough, what Dom defines as good and what Lax defines as good are opposites. Almost.
Lax will define “sitting in front of the computer for three days masturbating, eating and watching movies as “really good”; and Dom will define the same thing as “really, really bad”.
Dom will define “having extremely big and intimidating muscles” as “good”... but then so does Lax. If Lax could have all of Dom’s ‘fetishes’ without any “effort” (and “effort” I use for lack of a more appropriate word, it is better defined as: “without having to see or realize that (he)I am participating in a polarity where (he)I (is)am constantly having to 'run away’ from how (he)I am(is) already defining myself(himself) as inferior) -then he would take them, but Lax does not want to see or realize how this implies that he is already defined as ‘not good enough here and now’- so unfortunately, he must do without and instead suppress this superiority/inferiority judgment that comes up within himself by entertaining himself constantly with sex, drugs and entertainment.
So when I am burnt out of trying to become superior, and am thusly depressed, I will go into “Lax”, and portray myself as a victim by blaming Dom for my depression, and hereby justify myself to entertain and indulge myself in distractions and entertainment.
But when “Lax” is too bored to 'exist’ anymore, having no energy- Dom is still here. Dom was always there first and he will always be there when Lax is exhausted into oblivion from trying to hide Dom’s very existence. So Dom will come out and torture “Lax” for trying to “dishonor” him (as Dom, I define ‘control’ as ‘honor’ and ‘personal value’) and will then “run the show” - and this looks like some of my more insane moments, where I will do cruel and absurd things to myself to prove that “I am strong”.
And this is like “an incredibly strong charge”, when Dom has just woken up and is furious with the ‘apparent mess’ that Lax has made of “his holy sacrificial temple”. --but eventually Dom burns out as well, because my very existence as Dom requires me to continue to judge myself as “not good enough”, so even when I have “done everything I can to improve me”, in the end I will ‘just give up’, because it is actually impossible to ever ‘become good enough’.
and when Dom is sleeping, Lax comes in to clean up HIS mess by scrubbing the blood off of the walls and again trying to make the temple ‘a comfortable and safe place where Dom can’t hurt anyone anymore’.
So within this relationship, place food and masturbation- I just describe this story-relationship to clarify to myself what has been going on- its pretty hectic in my memories. (and I know that this writing has not stuck to the topic of "eating disorders"- it has gone more specific than that and now the explanations I'm writing encompass more of myself than just that one label. But I will try to keep things kind of concise, in part 3 I will continue to guide my baseline with the eating-disorder "themed" memories as a compass)
and interestingly enough, I catch myself trying to separate me from my memories- judging them as ‘inferior’ and in this I am ‘becoming Dom’ -- if you noticed a bias towards him in my writing above, kudos to you. --Because Dom and Lax still exist in me, I have taken steps to ‘stabilize’ this relationship to become ‘effective and functional’ -- but this is just a transition, really, because the very nature of ‘these two’ is conflict and so both must be deleted.
I will continue this story with the use of specific memories that I have already outlined the function of above.
