Alright.
I just had about a 4-5 minutes (maybe less. tsh. if that matters) conversation with my father after not seeing him all day.
I was going to play music now, but I will write in silence while these points are raw and fresh. If I notice that I am becoming overly emotional in any way, or especially if blame and that experience of ‘outwardly projecting anger towards my father’ begin to activate, I am going to stop writing immediately.
Well firstly I notice I am racing and wanting to note down like 5 different things at once. Sunette just posted a video {I will include link --- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0MceGfyU4I ---} about this and I will apply it.
One point at a time. I am writing about what has just happened with my father / who I was in this experience with my father.
So. I went into his room to interact with him. From the start this interaction was more stable and calm than it has been in the past years- just almost to test myself and see what happens. I brought up how my grandmother called me a “hyopcondriac” (obsessive fear of and possessive fixation with ‘unhealthy’) -- and I, speaking to my father, acknowledged that I “saw where she was coming from”; in regards towards my relationship with eating, cleaning myself and my relationship with acne and facial-skin.
I notice there was active in me this consideration, this noticing that my father has these same points-- I feel like I am “there to help him”
ahhh yes. There is the point. Gotchya.
so-- while walking to my fathers house from my grandmother’s [and grandfather's(maternal)] house, I remembered this quote form the Dao De Ching:
“Thusly the sage teaches without speaking”
...lol
or something like that.
So. When coming home, I saw my father sitting on his ass in his room fucking around with dumb bullshit online. Flash games and flash news and flash videos and all kinds of humiliating crap.
I react to this, I experience it with this angry, angry disgust. --As can be heard in my choice of words above; and that sudden change in tone.
My initial reaction would be to “resist” him, and say “what you’re doing is “wrong”. Change yourself.”
but, through my (mis)interpretation of the Dao De Ching, I see this as an “inferior way” to criticize my father-- and seek to avoid his anger by “living as a superior example”.
So. Upon entering his room where he is sitting, I disregard this ‘movement’ in me to tell him “get up. you are doing something wrong.”
...and I “walk into the bathroom” and look at my reflection.
as I write this it seems very apparent that this active point of “judgment/ wrongness” was not actually and appropriately identified and directed as a living statement of self-application in breath-- but had instead been suppressed and ignored.
Because I had not applied myself effectively, this judgment was still influencing my interpretation of myself and reality- so after a few moments of looking at my reflection-- I became somewhat possessed by this sense of “wrongness” (ie: “It is wrong to look at myself in the mirror because it makes me “weak” and “a failure.”)-- and immediately ‘cut myself off’ from this application of mind-- and in that action of ‘cutting myself off’; I switch back again to the circumstantial polarity of ‘rightness’; and believe that “I am superior because I know “this” and I am right in “this”-- so from this point of “rightness”, I go to my father and bring up the point I mentioned earlier--
I start talking to him about me and hypochondria, and am ‘seeking approval’ for my disposition. I am looking for my father to ‘walk it for me’; and ‘confirm to me’ the “rightness” of this point
(because that is how I, as the mind, operate. “Rightness” [energy] is required for me to move-- I apparently “must be fed”; and I am ‘asking my father to feed me within this point’, so that I ‘can have permission’ to do... something. Idk. Whatever. So I can do something that makes me feel better about myself because I have allowed judgment to exist in me as a form of possession and this has been allowed to be directed at both me and my father.
Anyway, in looking for my father to ‘walk this with me’-- I am asking him to ‘accept within himself this point of inferiority’ and validate it as wrong and validate my application so that “I can feel good about myself”.
He refuses to face that point of inferiority in himself and does not notice how he is reacting with blame, defensiveness.
I tell him that he is coming across very agresssive.
and he blames me for it and says (basically) “it is your fault that I am angry”
and I get up and say “communication is no longer possible”
and I leave the room, shutting the door quietly
--I was intending to write this piece entirely about my father’s blame-system. But- that is all it is. A blame system. It is more important to consider how I am able to support myself.
So heres some points in that regard of self-support:
1. Slow Down
---I seem to be to be totally obsessed with achieving validation in some sense to rationalize my mind-systems and make it ‘easier’ for me to process myself... and unfortunately this is total bullshit. lol. Okay. Let me try that again:
In this application- trying to correct myself in the context of the family-- I am avoiding the key points of self-responsibility that must be taken. My primary consideration is what “others” and “doing to me” in the sense that, yes, process is more difficult when I am living with my father who does not intend to stop these systems in himself.
but using that as an excuse to not face what are basically the exact same points in me... that’s just bullshit.
By defining my fathers experience as wrong and in contrast defining myself as superior... so that I can have some way, some desperate, desperate way to avoid facing the exact same point of wrongness that I experience, obviously and ostensively [“Ostensively” = “on the surface, what something looks like, ‘in plain sight’, as it appears ‘on the outside’ and at the point of first impression”], in relation to the idea that I have and experience towards myself.... thats just fucking abuse.
Just fucking abuse.
NO ABUSE
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Fearing Rejection, Worthlessness -- Self-Worth
Joe Kou and Lindsay Craver are in a relationship
Thats what it says on facebook.
I posted this:
“Lucky!”
-as in “Joe you are so lucky because Lindsay is so cool! I wanted Lindsay!”
-which is supposed to be funny, because I am 19 and Lindsay is like 26, so that is like a child sitting on the throne and taking himself seriously in the sense of the social hierarchy.
I love doing shit like that, so much. Its so much fun.
The fear of 'Desteni' seems to be greater, though.
becayse in that moment where I posted it, I really was disregarding some pretty extreme and heavy resistances-- fear, and I just stuffed it away and said “fuck it”, ‘this is too good’. -and I posted it anyway.
I have deeply feared and admired both Lindsay and Joe, these people that I know through Desteni have become celebrities to me- seeing this rather interesting occurrence of the infamous symbol of “relationship” being formed in my world of idols is like / has become like a very disproportionately influential change in my world.
So yes... I doubt, and I
REALLY REALLY
doubt that I was doing anything “horrible”, but after posting that, I fear, and I so, so, so fear that Joe will be angry with me. I feel teary almost that Joe will be angry with me.If I was brave I would beg for forgiveness, but I am too proud, too arrogant, to delusional to have the courage to beg. So in pride I isolate myself and hide from realizing how I have shamed and humiliated myself as a being. This has been a crippling point for me: is fearing to just come out and talk about how I feel in this, and specifically this, kind of a situation where I totally am totally helpless and dependant on the opinions of others in order to determine who I am and where I stand.
So I am typing this to support myself, so that I can have this assurance that I will dare to stop and investigate these kinds of things, and dare to face myself should I ever truly be guilty of the crimes that I have been accused of- I acknowledge that I am able to ‘do something’ that would ‘put me in that situation’, where my entire world around me turns its sharp points in against me, and I haven nothing to trust, no one to stand up for me, no one to count on, no ground to stand on and defend myself, only to be torn apart because I am completely alone and forgotten... I forgot why I started typing this paragraph....
let me go back:
This experience of pain and fear and rejection exists. The question is: Do I deserve it? Is this pain and fear what is required for me to see the mind?
or are there alternatives that I can give to myself in the statement of Self For Giving to self, to spare myself ‘the hard way’?
-or am I so mighty of mind that reality will be forced to destroy my stone fortress and prison with the most powerful of forces, leaving me, by necessity, left crushed under my own construct and abandoned by self with no option but to slowly, painfully tear myself out of the crushing rubble? Will I remain after such an ordeal?
That can happen- and I can 'deserve' it. --Will that be the end of me? What am I if that is the end of me?
Kasper Kwan told me that I should “keep everything mathematically sterile”
This is what I have to do. I need that because I am so forgotten, it is required at this point.
Keeping everything mathematically sterile in the context of world equality invalidates good and bad. I can’t be abandoned if I know myself in the context of the greatest good and the greatest evil. This is how equal money can support me. and seeing as how there is apparently nothing in me or my world that merits or validates the will within myself to support myself for myself, this is also how letting go and deprograming is possible. If I am worthless, then my worth can be made in the service of the greatest divinity. What is a greater good than heaven on earth for all? What is a greater evil than existing as a living statement of sabotage that seeks to corrupt and violate the coming of heaven to earth for the equal benefit of all? No human being has the right to invalidate these values. In this context I am given the authority to support and stand as myself no matter what.
This will be immensely supportive- I must “quantify” my entire life-- I have tried this before and failed- -------I was still dependant on this point of having someone else as a counterbalance to prove to me the invalidity of my non-solute self-worthlessness. I believed I needed love, and I sought love, and I fell, and I fell for the greater part of this year. Twice over again, the same thing, twice going through the exact same experience-- with the pain requiring to be increased to awaken me from my willingness to concede to the will of my mind and continue existing as my mind. --- I’m going back to that point of self-quantification, so that, everything I do in every moment of every day can be fearlessly held in front of the world’s eyes for judgment- so that I can Know to the core of my being that judgment is invalid.
so, also, no need to “freak out” and polarize this. I will not be exempted from the requirement of self-responsibility and self-accountability in every moment-- and if I am not consistent in my application I will not notice polarity, Bernard Poolman said that "we have the space of one breath to see what we are doing" and if I fall into polarity, I will know this because everything will unravel into a maze of hopeless confusion. I have experienced that before, a desperate and horribly confusing experience of searching for the right thing to do--
So forgetting or allowing myself to forget and fall back into allowing the mind-patterns to run my behavior and my will-- will become absolutely unacceptable-- because I will forget myself completely and will fuck myself for quite a long time. As has already happened. -So the quantification of myself is not about right and wrong-- this is absolutely critical--- but is a support mechanism that can be integrated into my prison of the mind so that I know who I am, so that I can know what I stand for, no matter what, no matter what is the trend, no matter what is seen as right and wrong in the context of my culture. and this is self-worth that I can trust no matter what.
Another critical point is that this is not at all about my becoming or proving myself to be special. Three years ago Bernard Poolman told me:
“Sorry, but unfortunately this is about a system that will work for everyone, and not about a system that will only work for some.”
I did not understand what he meant, but now it is becoming more apparent. This is about becoming a living symbol for everyone, because this is the fastest way to correct all of reality- and not just me.
1. Stability
2. Equality
3. Humility
I must reduce myself into a state where I can demonstrate to everyone how to deal with the mind, no matter how reduced they as myself might be. If I have any wants, any aspirations, hopes, desires for myself, or delusions of grandeur that I am not able to let go of, it is only a matter of time before reality tears the ilusion constructs out from my body. ---As One and Equal I must support myself as reality. This is how I am able to stop non-solute self-worthlessness. I create worth in my world as the principle of equality. And then I live that, I live my life as the ultimate test,
slowly and surely, step by step, breath by breath
word by word by word
everything done clearly and simply in the context of equality, simple and clear to me and everyone else so that mistakes and misunderstandings can be minimized maximally
I subject myself to the ultimate test. Thats my participation with Equal Money- the test. Can I program self to work for, and only for, what is best for all? In absolute selflessness? That is mastery of my self.
I am afraid that I will be rejected-- that I will not be loved or accepted-- but I will continue, my application must be tested, even if I am unloved and unaccepted.
I am hopeful that I will be exhalted for a special accomplishment-- I stop myself from this and see that my words are equal with everyone-- anyone and everyone is able to type these simple words, so private grateness is invalid-- I am only what is here as this world and nothing more, nothing less. That is real.
Thats what it says on facebook.
I posted this:
“Lucky!”
-as in “Joe you are so lucky because Lindsay is so cool! I wanted Lindsay!”
-which is supposed to be funny, because I am 19 and Lindsay is like 26, so that is like a child sitting on the throne and taking himself seriously in the sense of the social hierarchy.
I love doing shit like that, so much. Its so much fun.
The fear of 'Desteni' seems to be greater, though.
becayse in that moment where I posted it, I really was disregarding some pretty extreme and heavy resistances-- fear, and I just stuffed it away and said “fuck it”, ‘this is too good’. -and I posted it anyway.
I have deeply feared and admired both Lindsay and Joe, these people that I know through Desteni have become celebrities to me- seeing this rather interesting occurrence of the infamous symbol of “relationship” being formed in my world of idols is like / has become like a very disproportionately influential change in my world.
So yes... I doubt, and I
REALLY REALLY
doubt that I was doing anything “horrible”, but after posting that, I fear, and I so, so, so fear that Joe will be angry with me. I feel teary almost that Joe will be angry with me.If I was brave I would beg for forgiveness, but I am too proud, too arrogant, to delusional to have the courage to beg. So in pride I isolate myself and hide from realizing how I have shamed and humiliated myself as a being. This has been a crippling point for me: is fearing to just come out and talk about how I feel in this, and specifically this, kind of a situation where I totally am totally helpless and dependant on the opinions of others in order to determine who I am and where I stand.
So I am typing this to support myself, so that I can have this assurance that I will dare to stop and investigate these kinds of things, and dare to face myself should I ever truly be guilty of the crimes that I have been accused of- I acknowledge that I am able to ‘do something’ that would ‘put me in that situation’, where my entire world around me turns its sharp points in against me, and I haven nothing to trust, no one to stand up for me, no one to count on, no ground to stand on and defend myself, only to be torn apart because I am completely alone and forgotten... I forgot why I started typing this paragraph....
let me go back:
This experience of pain and fear and rejection exists. The question is: Do I deserve it? Is this pain and fear what is required for me to see the mind?
or are there alternatives that I can give to myself in the statement of Self For Giving to self, to spare myself ‘the hard way’?
-or am I so mighty of mind that reality will be forced to destroy my stone fortress and prison with the most powerful of forces, leaving me, by necessity, left crushed under my own construct and abandoned by self with no option but to slowly, painfully tear myself out of the crushing rubble? Will I remain after such an ordeal?
That can happen- and I can 'deserve' it. --Will that be the end of me? What am I if that is the end of me?
Kasper Kwan told me that I should “keep everything mathematically sterile”
This is what I have to do. I need that because I am so forgotten, it is required at this point.
Keeping everything mathematically sterile in the context of world equality invalidates good and bad. I can’t be abandoned if I know myself in the context of the greatest good and the greatest evil. This is how equal money can support me. and seeing as how there is apparently nothing in me or my world that merits or validates the will within myself to support myself for myself, this is also how letting go and deprograming is possible. If I am worthless, then my worth can be made in the service of the greatest divinity. What is a greater good than heaven on earth for all? What is a greater evil than existing as a living statement of sabotage that seeks to corrupt and violate the coming of heaven to earth for the equal benefit of all? No human being has the right to invalidate these values. In this context I am given the authority to support and stand as myself no matter what.
This will be immensely supportive- I must “quantify” my entire life-- I have tried this before and failed- -------I was still dependant on this point of having someone else as a counterbalance to prove to me the invalidity of my non-solute self-worthlessness. I believed I needed love, and I sought love, and I fell, and I fell for the greater part of this year. Twice over again, the same thing, twice going through the exact same experience-- with the pain requiring to be increased to awaken me from my willingness to concede to the will of my mind and continue existing as my mind. --- I’m going back to that point of self-quantification, so that, everything I do in every moment of every day can be fearlessly held in front of the world’s eyes for judgment- so that I can Know to the core of my being that judgment is invalid.
so, also, no need to “freak out” and polarize this. I will not be exempted from the requirement of self-responsibility and self-accountability in every moment-- and if I am not consistent in my application I will not notice polarity, Bernard Poolman said that "we have the space of one breath to see what we are doing" and if I fall into polarity, I will know this because everything will unravel into a maze of hopeless confusion. I have experienced that before, a desperate and horribly confusing experience of searching for the right thing to do--
So forgetting or allowing myself to forget and fall back into allowing the mind-patterns to run my behavior and my will-- will become absolutely unacceptable-- because I will forget myself completely and will fuck myself for quite a long time. As has already happened. -So the quantification of myself is not about right and wrong-- this is absolutely critical--- but is a support mechanism that can be integrated into my prison of the mind so that I know who I am, so that I can know what I stand for, no matter what, no matter what is the trend, no matter what is seen as right and wrong in the context of my culture. and this is self-worth that I can trust no matter what.
Another critical point is that this is not at all about my becoming or proving myself to be special. Three years ago Bernard Poolman told me:
“Sorry, but unfortunately this is about a system that will work for everyone, and not about a system that will only work for some.”
I did not understand what he meant, but now it is becoming more apparent. This is about becoming a living symbol for everyone, because this is the fastest way to correct all of reality- and not just me.
1. Stability
2. Equality
3. Humility
I must reduce myself into a state where I can demonstrate to everyone how to deal with the mind, no matter how reduced they as myself might be. If I have any wants, any aspirations, hopes, desires for myself, or delusions of grandeur that I am not able to let go of, it is only a matter of time before reality tears the ilusion constructs out from my body. ---As One and Equal I must support myself as reality. This is how I am able to stop non-solute self-worthlessness. I create worth in my world as the principle of equality. And then I live that, I live my life as the ultimate test,
slowly and surely, step by step, breath by breath
word by word by word
everything done clearly and simply in the context of equality, simple and clear to me and everyone else so that mistakes and misunderstandings can be minimized maximally
I subject myself to the ultimate test. Thats my participation with Equal Money- the test. Can I program self to work for, and only for, what is best for all? In absolute selflessness? That is mastery of my self.
I am afraid that I will be rejected-- that I will not be loved or accepted-- but I will continue, my application must be tested, even if I am unloved and unaccepted.
I am hopeful that I will be exhalted for a special accomplishment-- I stop myself from this and see that my words are equal with everyone-- anyone and everyone is able to type these simple words, so private grateness is invalid-- I am only what is here as this world and nothing more, nothing less. That is real.
Monday, December 6, 2010
another point coming up durring ITD course
holy fuck.
I missed like, the BIGGEST point in my introductory and insufficient run through of the desteni material:
this point of
“Your mind is thoughts, feelings, emotions. You are not your mind. If you experience yourself as thoughts, feelings, emotions- you are the manifestation of dishonesty.”
:o
holy fuck. I never went into that point in myself to really investigate it- I hit the blocks running as if my process was some kind of competition for aggrandizement- and from that starting point- believed that if I was thinking, or that if I reacted to my thoughts or my experiences with emotion- that I had failed. I would react emotionally to my thoughts and emotions, and then resist that, and try to ‘get away’ from it by ignoring it- which was deliberate deception.
thats like, total fuckin supression!
and deliberate... dishonesty
why god, why oh why, god, did I not apply the tools practically and effectively??
why did I hide??
why did I refuse to consider points unless they were in my self-interest??
forgive me, mother jesus!
I missed like, the BIGGEST point in my introductory and insufficient run through of the desteni material:
this point of
“Your mind is thoughts, feelings, emotions. You are not your mind. If you experience yourself as thoughts, feelings, emotions- you are the manifestation of dishonesty.”
:o
holy fuck. I never went into that point in myself to really investigate it- I hit the blocks running as if my process was some kind of competition for aggrandizement- and from that starting point- believed that if I was thinking, or that if I reacted to my thoughts or my experiences with emotion- that I had failed. I would react emotionally to my thoughts and emotions, and then resist that, and try to ‘get away’ from it by ignoring it- which was deliberate deception.
thats like, total fuckin supression!
and deliberate... dishonesty
why god, why oh why, god, did I not apply the tools practically and effectively??
why did I hide??
why did I refuse to consider points unless they were in my self-interest??
forgive me, mother jesus!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Me typing as I read through the first lesson of the IDT course
sharing my experiences as I work on the first assignment for ITD
thought/reaction I have towards a circumstantial perception of myself:
1.Special - 1b."finish before others” - 1c.“read fast”
1c = 3rd grade reading federal test. Sitting in teacher’s office. I couldn’t pronounce the word “city” correctly. I say “kity”. and I am wrong, and I am so disappointed. I feel like the teacher must like me less.
1b = winning. attention. Female attention. -I assume: mother’s reaction to my federal test scores.
1ba - “winning” - with father in the boyscouts toy plane race. I win the first of three trials. I thought that I had won the entire thing. Tears fell from my eyes because I was so happy that I had won. I was kind of embarrassed to be crying in front of my father and other people.
Main points of reaction:
1. Mother’s attention for high reading scores / 3rd grade / “I’m good at reading”
2. Inferiority / fear of my father’s suppression / believing I can ‘fix it’ by winning/ achieving
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally, my parents reactions and feelings that they have towards who they are in the context of their world as programmed values, beliefs and faith in the world systems.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not good enough because mom isn’t happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this inferiority and depression, wanting to seem strong to others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as this idea I have extensively created and developed a relationship towards; this idea being the idea of “others”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself into believing that by manipulating “others” (apparently), I can ‘control reality’ to a point where I would “be”, in all potential circumstances, “not weak”.
-this is how anger is created by suppressing sadness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design myself as a reactive self-value system that functions to deceive “others”, not at all noticing or considering that I am only fucking with myself. -and poorly, too.
-this understanding of my own participating in the deliberate 'giving power to’ ‘the problem’, in moments of pain when I am alone, I understand exactly what is going on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist what is here, what is going on. It is futile.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that “I can’t handle” this idea I experience of “what others may think about me”
that’s the truth of me. That “image” that “others” “must" be thinking about me --and the gripping paranoia and obsession: is that others will see “who I am”. That is an exact reflection of “how I value and see myself”. I’ve always believed ‘the abuser’, the ‘one who hated, despised and deeply loathed me’ was ‘out there and to be hidden from’.
That’s how I’m able to justify the fucking abuse- is through self-victimization. The belief that “if it wasn’t for ‘this thing’ that is ‘attacking me’ ‘from the outside’, THEN I would ‘be able to enjoy myself and be free’--if it wasn’t for ‘this thing’. (acne or whatever) No personal responsibility is taken into account in this consideration. Complete giving up, complete excuse making, hiding.
Memories that Im referring to as I make these statements: The hell that was highschool with my acne as I would run from bathroom to bathroom in between classes applying makeup in terror and horrible depression as I judged, loathed and tore at the skin on my face. Fearing that “somewhere out there” a monster existed that hated me for how inexcusably weak I had become.
-----------
“Therefore, forgiveness with corrective application is important. If you do forgiveness and just speak the words- its not gonna do anything”
...
holy fucking jesus.
thought/reaction I have towards a circumstantial perception of myself:
1.Special - 1b."finish before others” - 1c.“read fast”
1c = 3rd grade reading federal test. Sitting in teacher’s office. I couldn’t pronounce the word “city” correctly. I say “kity”. and I am wrong, and I am so disappointed. I feel like the teacher must like me less.
1b = winning. attention. Female attention. -I assume: mother’s reaction to my federal test scores.
1ba - “winning” - with father in the boyscouts toy plane race. I win the first of three trials. I thought that I had won the entire thing. Tears fell from my eyes because I was so happy that I had won. I was kind of embarrassed to be crying in front of my father and other people.
Main points of reaction:
1. Mother’s attention for high reading scores / 3rd grade / “I’m good at reading”
2. Inferiority / fear of my father’s suppression / believing I can ‘fix it’ by winning/ achieving
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally, my parents reactions and feelings that they have towards who they are in the context of their world as programmed values, beliefs and faith in the world systems.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not good enough because mom isn’t happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this inferiority and depression, wanting to seem strong to others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as this idea I have extensively created and developed a relationship towards; this idea being the idea of “others”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself into believing that by manipulating “others” (apparently), I can ‘control reality’ to a point where I would “be”, in all potential circumstances, “not weak”.
-this is how anger is created by suppressing sadness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design myself as a reactive self-value system that functions to deceive “others”, not at all noticing or considering that I am only fucking with myself. -and poorly, too.
-this understanding of my own participating in the deliberate 'giving power to’ ‘the problem’, in moments of pain when I am alone, I understand exactly what is going on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist what is here, what is going on. It is futile.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that “I can’t handle” this idea I experience of “what others may think about me”
that’s the truth of me. That “image” that “others” “must" be thinking about me --and the gripping paranoia and obsession: is that others will see “who I am”. That is an exact reflection of “how I value and see myself”. I’ve always believed ‘the abuser’, the ‘one who hated, despised and deeply loathed me’ was ‘out there and to be hidden from’.
That’s how I’m able to justify the fucking abuse- is through self-victimization. The belief that “if it wasn’t for ‘this thing’ that is ‘attacking me’ ‘from the outside’, THEN I would ‘be able to enjoy myself and be free’--if it wasn’t for ‘this thing’. (acne or whatever) No personal responsibility is taken into account in this consideration. Complete giving up, complete excuse making, hiding.
Memories that Im referring to as I make these statements: The hell that was highschool with my acne as I would run from bathroom to bathroom in between classes applying makeup in terror and horrible depression as I judged, loathed and tore at the skin on my face. Fearing that “somewhere out there” a monster existed that hated me for how inexcusably weak I had become.
-----------
“Therefore, forgiveness with corrective application is important. If you do forgiveness and just speak the words- its not gonna do anything”
...
holy fucking jesus.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
My father was "why" my childhood was ruined- now the ilusion is coming up that his sins will bleed into my adult life as well. This is the pit of hopelessness. I will face it and continue walking process.
I just found a letter that was mailed to me from a debt-collection agency. My father left it for me to see on the counter.
About 10 months ago I was driving around in my father’s truck. He did not keep the registration up to date, and when I asked him to do so he procrastinated.
I got pulled over once, then hid the ticket from him. My “friend” said it was a good idea. I played along and felt pretty cool.
I got pulled over twice, and the police took the license plate. And gave me a fine, that, it turned out, could be nullified if I went to a certain building at a certain time and showed them certain papers.
I gave the second ticket to my dad and he said “I’ll take care of it”
he didn’t. I asked him, on and off, for months to take care of it and he didn’t.
many months later, when we finally did look at the fine-papers, while my father was smoking cigars with his girlfriend, it was by far too late to nullify the fine, in fact, it had been multiplied by 10. Now it was 1,200$ US.
This is very sharp and painful in me.
There was one moment, I was talking to him and my mother, I had somehow gotten them in the same room together- about the truck, my independence of sort.
I saw that my father had no intention of taking responsibility. I asked him:
“Are you just going to fuck me like this?”
He looked up at me and said:
“Definitely”
This anger, this hopeless anger that I am feeling (kind of, like the shadow of it) reminds me of the night my mother threw me out of her house in spite.
I wanted to stab myself/ my father with a screwdriver.
Luckily I avoided that situation.
My father did not pay the fines - I must now pay the fines. I am completely dependant on him. I have no job.
He left the letter out for me to see so he can mind-masturbate himself in my fucking eyes and feel some kind of sick pleasure at watching his corrupted seed take root in the flesh of my sclera, blinding me for the next 60 years and causing me nothing but pain and suffering as I stumble in the dark through the same vicious, merciless traps into which he has fallen. Like fucking goya-
How am I to let go of this anger?
that is what has to be done, no matter what.
I have to swallow my pride. and it’s fucking bitter. So fucking bitter.
I have my precious silver horde that I bought with money I made working in 2008. I will have to use that. That will cover it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mind possession to take over me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my father for how I have allowed myself to become emotionally programmed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my father
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self-abuse by following my father
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by “my father”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as my father
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify mind-idea possession
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed off of, and become addicted to that spite, that hatred, that hopeless self-pity and bitter, furious, malicious, resentment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear existing in this world without money
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being poor
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as poverty
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my dependency on a wealthy lifestyle on my father
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear walking this world as what it is
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am somehow separate from those who experience poverty
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become content and nullified by my comfortable lifestyle
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to influence my participation with Equal Money by self-interest, and only seeing and caring about the world as far as my comfortable lifestyle goes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as what is going on in this reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be only concerned with myself and my experience, not caring or seriously considering what is happening to others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from others
What I will allow to be done to me I will allow to be done to others.
I will myself to live this.
Everything else is ego.
About 10 months ago I was driving around in my father’s truck. He did not keep the registration up to date, and when I asked him to do so he procrastinated.
I got pulled over once, then hid the ticket from him. My “friend” said it was a good idea. I played along and felt pretty cool.
I got pulled over twice, and the police took the license plate. And gave me a fine, that, it turned out, could be nullified if I went to a certain building at a certain time and showed them certain papers.
I gave the second ticket to my dad and he said “I’ll take care of it”
he didn’t. I asked him, on and off, for months to take care of it and he didn’t.
many months later, when we finally did look at the fine-papers, while my father was smoking cigars with his girlfriend, it was by far too late to nullify the fine, in fact, it had been multiplied by 10. Now it was 1,200$ US.
This is very sharp and painful in me.
There was one moment, I was talking to him and my mother, I had somehow gotten them in the same room together- about the truck, my independence of sort.
I saw that my father had no intention of taking responsibility. I asked him:
“Are you just going to fuck me like this?”
He looked up at me and said:
“Definitely”
This anger, this hopeless anger that I am feeling (kind of, like the shadow of it) reminds me of the night my mother threw me out of her house in spite.
I wanted to stab myself/ my father with a screwdriver.
Luckily I avoided that situation.
My father did not pay the fines - I must now pay the fines. I am completely dependant on him. I have no job.
He left the letter out for me to see so he can mind-masturbate himself in my fucking eyes and feel some kind of sick pleasure at watching his corrupted seed take root in the flesh of my sclera, blinding me for the next 60 years and causing me nothing but pain and suffering as I stumble in the dark through the same vicious, merciless traps into which he has fallen. Like fucking goya-
How am I to let go of this anger?
that is what has to be done, no matter what.
I have to swallow my pride. and it’s fucking bitter. So fucking bitter.
I have my precious silver horde that I bought with money I made working in 2008. I will have to use that. That will cover it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mind possession to take over me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my father for how I have allowed myself to become emotionally programmed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my father
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self-abuse by following my father
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by “my father”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as my father
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify mind-idea possession
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed off of, and become addicted to that spite, that hatred, that hopeless self-pity and bitter, furious, malicious, resentment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear existing in this world without money
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being poor
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as poverty
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my dependency on a wealthy lifestyle on my father
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear walking this world as what it is
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am somehow separate from those who experience poverty
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become content and nullified by my comfortable lifestyle
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to influence my participation with Equal Money by self-interest, and only seeing and caring about the world as far as my comfortable lifestyle goes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as what is going on in this reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be only concerned with myself and my experience, not caring or seriously considering what is happening to others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from others
What I will allow to be done to me I will allow to be done to others.
I will myself to live this.
Everything else is ego.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Facing desire to smoke weed/pot/marijuana by self-writing
my sister came home with pot tonight,
and I really want to smoke it
shes smoking it right now
I’m not going to do it.
I need to stop all of this kind of a thing
and rely only on myself
I want to smoke pot because I know it will make the rest of my night not as stressful, because I will be doing lots of studying
but I’m not going to do it
and its quite difficult, I have changed my mind twice now and ‘begun to move’ to get myself pot,
thats funny- my sister is holding the pipe in front of my face right now-
wtf
lol
also that point of “wanting to believe that everything is okay’
and that “I am acceptable”
and that
“there is nothing wrong”
-these are somewhat valid points, actually, because my “desire” to not smoke pot is based
coming out of a reaction I have had towards my not getting out of bed when I wake up and instead going back to sleep.
Worthy
Unworthy
Pot is this point of “oh I am okay here in this moment, and none of that other stuff actually has to exist”-
but
this insight that I have already experienced on pot is totally wasted because I believe I need the chemical high to “do that”
and while occasional pot is...
I mean fuck
whatever.
I’m-
okay I stop-
Im was going again into the superiority point to suppress the inferiority that I am feeling
It is not about: “I am going to stop smoking pot so I can become Alexander The Great”
that is obviously still feeding the mind
Sister is gone now, no pot is possible tonight
thats cool
yea
its just about me applying these basic points so that I can keep my reality as simple and stable as possible.
Not much more to say. When I finish this, I must breathe, and be aware that this superiority-inferiority is active right now. In every action I must observe myself in self-honesty and through this be sure that there are no points I am allowing to direct me, that there are no points of polarity that I am allowing to be interpreted as being a part of my self and thusly am living out in action.
a point is coming up at this- the point of “I don’t know what to do”
“I don’t know what to do”
“I’ve already failed”
“It’s too late”
this is... some fucking wicked shit. Its sticky. Sticky fucking sour sweet. Don’t trust this. NEVER.
I’m not going to give it another word, because I am what decides the circumstance. I am what decides what I am capable of handling.
lol
superiority point coming up again.
alright. I’m done here. Kudos to me for not smoking pot.
and I really want to smoke it
shes smoking it right now
I’m not going to do it.
I need to stop all of this kind of a thing
and rely only on myself
I want to smoke pot because I know it will make the rest of my night not as stressful, because I will be doing lots of studying
but I’m not going to do it
and its quite difficult, I have changed my mind twice now and ‘begun to move’ to get myself pot,
thats funny- my sister is holding the pipe in front of my face right now-
wtf
lol
also that point of “wanting to believe that everything is okay’
and that “I am acceptable”
and that
“there is nothing wrong”
-these are somewhat valid points, actually, because my “desire” to not smoke pot is based
coming out of a reaction I have had towards my not getting out of bed when I wake up and instead going back to sleep.
Worthy
Unworthy
Pot is this point of “oh I am okay here in this moment, and none of that other stuff actually has to exist”-
but
this insight that I have already experienced on pot is totally wasted because I believe I need the chemical high to “do that”
and while occasional pot is...
I mean fuck
whatever.
I’m-
okay I stop-
Im was going again into the superiority point to suppress the inferiority that I am feeling
It is not about: “I am going to stop smoking pot so I can become Alexander The Great”
that is obviously still feeding the mind
Sister is gone now, no pot is possible tonight
thats cool
yea
its just about me applying these basic points so that I can keep my reality as simple and stable as possible.
Not much more to say. When I finish this, I must breathe, and be aware that this superiority-inferiority is active right now. In every action I must observe myself in self-honesty and through this be sure that there are no points I am allowing to direct me, that there are no points of polarity that I am allowing to be interpreted as being a part of my self and thusly am living out in action.
a point is coming up at this- the point of “I don’t know what to do”
“I don’t know what to do”
“I’ve already failed”
“It’s too late”
this is... some fucking wicked shit. Its sticky. Sticky fucking sour sweet. Don’t trust this. NEVER.
I’m not going to give it another word, because I am what decides the circumstance. I am what decides what I am capable of handling.
lol
superiority point coming up again.
alright. I’m done here. Kudos to me for not smoking pot.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
... do I have any idea about who I am? Do I REALLY know whats going on?
So.
I’m really fucked now.
I have put myself in a position where there is no room for secrets or “fucking up”
and I have fucked up
I will share here, because I am obligated to, that is better for me.
“better for me”
and there’s the fucking problem right there.
That will become apparent as I type, likely
So.
Here is what has happened.
In recent times, I have built myself up to a point where-
okay. That’s not very clear. I will start over.
my value in this world I determine by the attention, the kind of attention that I get from others. This has “always been” how I have lived.
very desperate
alright. Kind of stagnating here, I will continue:
so. What has happened. Awhile ago I opened up a certain point that gave me attention in a certain way- and this to me was a form of freedom. Which I fell into quite hard. That point of “freedom” through “achievement”
-not considering my starting point. Not wanting to stop myself and deal with that. Not wanting to let go of who I have become as my motivations and desired experiences in this system.
So, eventually, in pursuit of this point, it became apparent that I was not what I imagined myself as “trying to become” -which is already like a form of cheating, because I am not that already- I am counting my chickens before they hatch and selling them on the market before they’re due. I’m presenting myself as something that has not been proven, tested, or verified. The motivation is only the IDEA of: “Oh well how cool could it be if I was: this”
kind of like this “coolness”, being able to “handle everyone” and “be successful with everyone”
-and that’s a total form of lying.
...to myself
So. This happened earlier in 2010. This point of “success”
(this point was also active with my friends, when I had “won” in that system... like the exact same thing, the exact same form of self-obsession)
...and eventually I fell on my face. Thats what my “intelligence” fucking gets me in this world- a tool that I use to painstakingly provide me with the stimuli I believe I require to feel better about who I am- and avoid having to stop and walk through that experience of actually fucking stopping.
So yea, I “won” that game- and drove myself into a point where I obviously was just living a statement of “talking to myself”- tsh- thats kind of important: that point of “others”- and the belief that “its real if they say so”
-and wanting that illusion. I have brought this up before... but, for some reason, for who knows what reason... I did not stop.
I have some really, really messed-up values... like, that’s the only way. I am, I must be, a particularly sick and wicked thing, if I can observe what I have and still not stop.
I have no fucking idea who I am or what is going on.
that’s why, after three years, I have failed process. I have totally failed... that’s kind of obvious.
So.
Recently, with me pushing through one particular point of “inferiority”, and again apparently “winning” attention-
by posting videos...
I have effectively and completely isolated myself in my mind. Into a point where I am “allowed” to “do certain things” that I previously would not have ‘dared’ to do because of the self-judgment and the fear. This is the "highlighting" of my "mind-bubble".
So.
Point one:
Bella.
god. fucking hell. I put up a video where I was blaming my father for how fucking shitty I feel about his “blame” and then using my “position of authority” as a “skilled youtuber” to feed myself pity and attention.
Which I did quite well. I mean, really, I set that up very effectively.
-and then suppressed the fear of “what others might think about me”, when the thoughts came up about certain points of inconsistency in the expression.
(here are the points:
1. I said I was doing it for others, when obviously I was doing it not for that. I mean, why else would I fear, and then feel the need to explain why I am doing what I am doing?
2. I basically was just saying that “I am unable to fucking handle this situation”
)
Now- how I suppressed this was with this THOUGHT:
“Oh. Well, I am always afraid of what other’s think of my videos. So, I will just speak some self-forgiveness and try to believe that everything is okay and then I will probably forget about it- and maybe it will work out anyway and others will not be disgusted with me, because that has happened before.- where I have experienced this fear and then have been complete out of tune with what others think.”
So... obviously already right there, my entire intention is not even about honesty, not even about assisting myself to help me, but only to ensure that I will be accepted.
that- the same, that is why I am here typing.
because I am so afraid of being rejected, and cannot imagine myself with no-one who “cares” about me and “accepts” me.
-that is how I hide from myself, in that kind of expression. I have become completely dependant on it.
so. Right now, I am going to say that I will continue with Desteni and Equal Money. Even if I do actually turn out to be the most evil and wicked bastard that exits, that is not going to stop me from doing what must be done with this life that I have. This... miserable “thing” should be directed towards what is best for all.
that must be why I exist. I mean... nothing else is relevant...
so- I am going to continue sharing what has happened in the last couple days- disastrous.
1st. That video where I was glut feeding the victim
Bella came to the comments and tore off my dick:
“Are you really getting off on this?”
I mean... it was so appropriate. I sat in this chair, stunned. Thinking of and wanting to mutilate myself to death.
I wanted to die. That is a horrible experience. I was sick with myself, just fucking ill. I thought I had become so good... and now, blatantly in front of everyone... I was fucking destroyed and exposed.
then, well, I think it was actually a couple of days beforehand, a girl came onto my comments pages and rubbed my ego-
this trend has crept into my awareness recently as well- an extremely disproportionate reaction to my ego and my value as my ego.
just
“zero patience”
for ANYTHING that ‘crosses me’.
this has come up with my father. and my sister, and my mother.
like a fucking demon... I was completely blind to myself, because I had become infatuated with my ability to use words to succeed and become something cool.
I also started back-handing and slapping the dogs when they jump onto me and snap. That is a first. I never would have done that three years ago.
and I thought, when I feared that maybe I had become a monster, I justified it. Because my grandfather would “be fine” with it.
and so “it was normal”.
Shiva yelped once, when I gave her the knuckle, and I wanted to cry but was laughing in this really... demonic way.
I don’t know how else to train them...
meaning...
I don’t have the patience to actually teach them how to not jump in a more appropriate way...
because I am too busy trying to make my upper body strong by playing pull with them- and too busy trying to achieve the results, the production, that I want to see in my life.
I have faced this point before as well. “tunnel-vision.”
“tunnel vision" towards ‘proving myself’ to ‘the one who judges me’
-and refusing to consider anything else. I don’t give a fuck if I am being abused in this process or that I am abusing myself- all I fucking care about is “getting there” and “finally winning”
this is simply possession. fucking mind possession.
I’d be wont to make a video about this point, it is kind of important.
...but I fear that my motivations...
I am afraid I will throw myself into the den of lions and then “everyone will hate me”
So. Let me push through this desire to completely give up right now and talk about that.
(there’s another useful thing to notice: that at points like this, where I am at a place to see just how vast and lost I am, I just give into this self-pity, and I justify quitting, and falling back to comfortable sleep, by the illusion that “there is no way it can ever be sorted out”, faced, or dealt with, and therefore “it makes no sense” and “looses all meaning”, and I continue to “wait for something better”.
-this is why I failed process from the very beginning. Because “it was just too fucking much”.
I’ve been in denial about my demons... and have managed to hide them quite well... I would believe that I have somehow “gotten worse”...
because of this last few series of events
but thankfully I am able to see that this is not the case.
because specific events of mortifying abuse and demon possession have come up, on occasion, since age 15.
-so. The dogs. No hitting anymore. I will stop maintaining them from a point of
self-abuse
self-neglect
superiority-complex
and just do what I have to in order to make their lives as comfortable as possible.
also.
“Cathy”
who stands as a point of “mother” and “caring” for me-
sees me say this to someone who rubbed my ego the wrong way on “my youtube page”:
“Get the fuck off my comments pages you fucking idiot”
...
I was trying to be funny... like Glenn Beck.
I removed the comments for the fear that others would hate me for it- but I had linked my facebook to my youtube. and so I was fucked good, I cant hide from that. Cathy reveals how I tried to remove the comment and dislikes the video.
...alright. This is kind of a relief... this has come up before, thank fucking god... I did not intend to abuse her like that... holy fucking shit... jesus fucking christ. lol. I kind of want to break down and cry.
...
I spoke with my sister about this point... I have done things and been things in my life that I have not wanted to see... not wanted to take credibility for... and not wanted to stop.
Self-Honesty is Stopping.
Thats just the way this shit fucking works. god-damn it.
I’m really fucked now.
I have put myself in a position where there is no room for secrets or “fucking up”
and I have fucked up
I will share here, because I am obligated to, that is better for me.
“better for me”
and there’s the fucking problem right there.
That will become apparent as I type, likely
So.
Here is what has happened.
In recent times, I have built myself up to a point where-
okay. That’s not very clear. I will start over.
my value in this world I determine by the attention, the kind of attention that I get from others. This has “always been” how I have lived.
very desperate
alright. Kind of stagnating here, I will continue:
so. What has happened. Awhile ago I opened up a certain point that gave me attention in a certain way- and this to me was a form of freedom. Which I fell into quite hard. That point of “freedom” through “achievement”
-not considering my starting point. Not wanting to stop myself and deal with that. Not wanting to let go of who I have become as my motivations and desired experiences in this system.
So, eventually, in pursuit of this point, it became apparent that I was not what I imagined myself as “trying to become” -which is already like a form of cheating, because I am not that already- I am counting my chickens before they hatch and selling them on the market before they’re due. I’m presenting myself as something that has not been proven, tested, or verified. The motivation is only the IDEA of: “Oh well how cool could it be if I was: this”
kind of like this “coolness”, being able to “handle everyone” and “be successful with everyone”
-and that’s a total form of lying.
...to myself
So. This happened earlier in 2010. This point of “success”
(this point was also active with my friends, when I had “won” in that system... like the exact same thing, the exact same form of self-obsession)
...and eventually I fell on my face. Thats what my “intelligence” fucking gets me in this world- a tool that I use to painstakingly provide me with the stimuli I believe I require to feel better about who I am- and avoid having to stop and walk through that experience of actually fucking stopping.
So yea, I “won” that game- and drove myself into a point where I obviously was just living a statement of “talking to myself”- tsh- thats kind of important: that point of “others”- and the belief that “its real if they say so”
-and wanting that illusion. I have brought this up before... but, for some reason, for who knows what reason... I did not stop.
I have some really, really messed-up values... like, that’s the only way. I am, I must be, a particularly sick and wicked thing, if I can observe what I have and still not stop.
I have no fucking idea who I am or what is going on.
that’s why, after three years, I have failed process. I have totally failed... that’s kind of obvious.
So.
Recently, with me pushing through one particular point of “inferiority”, and again apparently “winning” attention-
by posting videos...
I have effectively and completely isolated myself in my mind. Into a point where I am “allowed” to “do certain things” that I previously would not have ‘dared’ to do because of the self-judgment and the fear. This is the "highlighting" of my "mind-bubble".
So.
Point one:
Bella.
god. fucking hell. I put up a video where I was blaming my father for how fucking shitty I feel about his “blame” and then using my “position of authority” as a “skilled youtuber” to feed myself pity and attention.
Which I did quite well. I mean, really, I set that up very effectively.
-and then suppressed the fear of “what others might think about me”, when the thoughts came up about certain points of inconsistency in the expression.
(here are the points:
1. I said I was doing it for others, when obviously I was doing it not for that. I mean, why else would I fear, and then feel the need to explain why I am doing what I am doing?
2. I basically was just saying that “I am unable to fucking handle this situation”
)
Now- how I suppressed this was with this THOUGHT:
“Oh. Well, I am always afraid of what other’s think of my videos. So, I will just speak some self-forgiveness and try to believe that everything is okay and then I will probably forget about it- and maybe it will work out anyway and others will not be disgusted with me, because that has happened before.- where I have experienced this fear and then have been complete out of tune with what others think.”
So... obviously already right there, my entire intention is not even about honesty, not even about assisting myself to help me, but only to ensure that I will be accepted.
that- the same, that is why I am here typing.
because I am so afraid of being rejected, and cannot imagine myself with no-one who “cares” about me and “accepts” me.
-that is how I hide from myself, in that kind of expression. I have become completely dependant on it.
so. Right now, I am going to say that I will continue with Desteni and Equal Money. Even if I do actually turn out to be the most evil and wicked bastard that exits, that is not going to stop me from doing what must be done with this life that I have. This... miserable “thing” should be directed towards what is best for all.
that must be why I exist. I mean... nothing else is relevant...
so- I am going to continue sharing what has happened in the last couple days- disastrous.
1st. That video where I was glut feeding the victim
Bella came to the comments and tore off my dick:
“Are you really getting off on this?”
I mean... it was so appropriate. I sat in this chair, stunned. Thinking of and wanting to mutilate myself to death.
I wanted to die. That is a horrible experience. I was sick with myself, just fucking ill. I thought I had become so good... and now, blatantly in front of everyone... I was fucking destroyed and exposed.
then, well, I think it was actually a couple of days beforehand, a girl came onto my comments pages and rubbed my ego-
this trend has crept into my awareness recently as well- an extremely disproportionate reaction to my ego and my value as my ego.
just
“zero patience”
for ANYTHING that ‘crosses me’.
this has come up with my father. and my sister, and my mother.
like a fucking demon... I was completely blind to myself, because I had become infatuated with my ability to use words to succeed and become something cool.
I also started back-handing and slapping the dogs when they jump onto me and snap. That is a first. I never would have done that three years ago.
and I thought, when I feared that maybe I had become a monster, I justified it. Because my grandfather would “be fine” with it.
and so “it was normal”.
Shiva yelped once, when I gave her the knuckle, and I wanted to cry but was laughing in this really... demonic way.
I don’t know how else to train them...
meaning...
I don’t have the patience to actually teach them how to not jump in a more appropriate way...
because I am too busy trying to make my upper body strong by playing pull with them- and too busy trying to achieve the results, the production, that I want to see in my life.
I have faced this point before as well. “tunnel-vision.”
“tunnel vision" towards ‘proving myself’ to ‘the one who judges me’
-and refusing to consider anything else. I don’t give a fuck if I am being abused in this process or that I am abusing myself- all I fucking care about is “getting there” and “finally winning”
this is simply possession. fucking mind possession.
I’d be wont to make a video about this point, it is kind of important.
...but I fear that my motivations...
I am afraid I will throw myself into the den of lions and then “everyone will hate me”
So. Let me push through this desire to completely give up right now and talk about that.
(there’s another useful thing to notice: that at points like this, where I am at a place to see just how vast and lost I am, I just give into this self-pity, and I justify quitting, and falling back to comfortable sleep, by the illusion that “there is no way it can ever be sorted out”, faced, or dealt with, and therefore “it makes no sense” and “looses all meaning”, and I continue to “wait for something better”.
-this is why I failed process from the very beginning. Because “it was just too fucking much”.
I’ve been in denial about my demons... and have managed to hide them quite well... I would believe that I have somehow “gotten worse”...
because of this last few series of events
but thankfully I am able to see that this is not the case.
because specific events of mortifying abuse and demon possession have come up, on occasion, since age 15.
-so. The dogs. No hitting anymore. I will stop maintaining them from a point of
self-abuse
self-neglect
superiority-complex
and just do what I have to in order to make their lives as comfortable as possible.
also.
“Cathy”
who stands as a point of “mother” and “caring” for me-
sees me say this to someone who rubbed my ego the wrong way on “my youtube page”:
“Get the fuck off my comments pages you fucking idiot”
...
I was trying to be funny... like Glenn Beck.
I removed the comments for the fear that others would hate me for it- but I had linked my facebook to my youtube. and so I was fucked good, I cant hide from that. Cathy reveals how I tried to remove the comment and dislikes the video.
...alright. This is kind of a relief... this has come up before, thank fucking god... I did not intend to abuse her like that... holy fucking shit... jesus fucking christ. lol. I kind of want to break down and cry.
...
I spoke with my sister about this point... I have done things and been things in my life that I have not wanted to see... not wanted to take credibility for... and not wanted to stop.
Self-Honesty is Stopping.
Thats just the way this shit fucking works. god-damn it.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Im looking for a girlfriend and the last series of "interviews" failed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependant on my idea of Jasmine
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined me as having failed with Jasmine
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support me in my life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my idea of Jasmine as real
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from my idea of Jasmine
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by desire for relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame me for not being able to make my fantasies real
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from and suppress me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an Idea of “who I want to be” and then plan on “making that happen”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as not being good enough to handle myself, direct myself, or deal with my world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with desire for sex and relationships
holy fuck... how I fell... and I believed I could handle it by “being strong”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as “male”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here
---
alright. I haven't proof-read that or anything. lol
It was just from last night and I had it sitting on my desktop. But- Im gonna talk more about a couple of points that are still swirling around in me in regards to this experience:
1. Projecting my stuff onto her.
it was pretty clear that it was over. I had gone into my mind in the earlier days and had imagined myself 'being happy' with her and 'being comfortable' with her. So- this, interestingly enough, and regardless of how "strong" I believed I was, resulted in a depression that seemed to be completely disproportionate in relation to the "high" that I had been experiencing.
I knew I could handle it. I've fucking pulled myself out of worse.
Alright. That which I just wrote sounded a little weird. hmmm... I will leave it. I don't see anything wrong with it. lol. "wrong". Alright. This is going no where. Im going to continue where I left off.
I was quite depressed about having to end the interaction (Instant Messaging), and felt like I had failed myself. Almost like an inner crying.
So. There was a point where I kind of knew that I could handle it, that it wasn't "the end of the world"- so to speak. lol. I mean, obviously it was not. So I ended it.
That form of "strength" that is active here, that is the other point.
I noticed, in my speaking with her, that I was able to be extremely direct. Very cool. I reacted to that with ego and perverted the expression with an idea of "manlyness". Like a "slowing down" of the expression.
Luckily, tho, this crap completely collapsed- and in the end it was she who was stable. lol. That was embarassing. There was one point where I told her that "it seemed like she was depressed" - she laughed, and said "no". I stopped, and said "yea, no". Just me completely projecting all of my shit onto her.
So thats, like, really not cool.
that point where I would just completely not be aware of myself in that way. So that was a point of support for me to see how I had lost myself to my mind in "looking for a girlfriend", and, as she said: I fell into points of "Trust"- trusting and hoping and deluding myself with ideas of how much easier/better my life could be with "female". Trusting and hoping that energy (love and sex) can save me from myself, from who I am and who I have become in relation to my world.
So this is cool. What I have, and all that I have in this world is my own WILL.
not a point of "strength"...
but just my being able to say "this is what is going to happen/ this is what I am going to make happen"
and then it happens. That is like my invaluable jewel, my golden pearl. Which I should gaurd with everything I am, the purity and trustworthyness of my own willpower.
This is where 1+1=2 comes in really handy. It makes "golden peal maintenence" much more simple. Just live in the simple points of "what I have to do" to "make shit fit together" in my world.
and that's gotta fucking happen.
oh- I intend to get a girlfriend eventually, this is preferable. But- first I am going to sort out:
family
money
school
dogs
that has to fucking happen. I will stabilize these points first, and then I will have the time for a girlfriend, if it is possible. and I am very picky.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined me as having failed with Jasmine
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support me in my life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my idea of Jasmine as real
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from my idea of Jasmine
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by desire for relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame me for not being able to make my fantasies real
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from and suppress me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an Idea of “who I want to be” and then plan on “making that happen”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as not being good enough to handle myself, direct myself, or deal with my world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with desire for sex and relationships
holy fuck... how I fell... and I believed I could handle it by “being strong”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as “male”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here
---
alright. I haven't proof-read that or anything. lol
It was just from last night and I had it sitting on my desktop. But- Im gonna talk more about a couple of points that are still swirling around in me in regards to this experience:
1. Projecting my stuff onto her.
it was pretty clear that it was over. I had gone into my mind in the earlier days and had imagined myself 'being happy' with her and 'being comfortable' with her. So- this, interestingly enough, and regardless of how "strong" I believed I was, resulted in a depression that seemed to be completely disproportionate in relation to the "high" that I had been experiencing.
I knew I could handle it. I've fucking pulled myself out of worse.
Alright. That which I just wrote sounded a little weird. hmmm... I will leave it. I don't see anything wrong with it. lol. "wrong". Alright. This is going no where. Im going to continue where I left off.
I was quite depressed about having to end the interaction (Instant Messaging), and felt like I had failed myself. Almost like an inner crying.
So. There was a point where I kind of knew that I could handle it, that it wasn't "the end of the world"- so to speak. lol. I mean, obviously it was not. So I ended it.
That form of "strength" that is active here, that is the other point.
I noticed, in my speaking with her, that I was able to be extremely direct. Very cool. I reacted to that with ego and perverted the expression with an idea of "manlyness". Like a "slowing down" of the expression.
Luckily, tho, this crap completely collapsed- and in the end it was she who was stable. lol. That was embarassing. There was one point where I told her that "it seemed like she was depressed" - she laughed, and said "no". I stopped, and said "yea, no". Just me completely projecting all of my shit onto her.
So thats, like, really not cool.
that point where I would just completely not be aware of myself in that way. So that was a point of support for me to see how I had lost myself to my mind in "looking for a girlfriend", and, as she said: I fell into points of "Trust"- trusting and hoping and deluding myself with ideas of how much easier/better my life could be with "female". Trusting and hoping that energy (love and sex) can save me from myself, from who I am and who I have become in relation to my world.
So this is cool. What I have, and all that I have in this world is my own WILL.
not a point of "strength"...
but just my being able to say "this is what is going to happen/ this is what I am going to make happen"
and then it happens. That is like my invaluable jewel, my golden pearl. Which I should gaurd with everything I am, the purity and trustworthyness of my own willpower.
This is where 1+1=2 comes in really handy. It makes "golden peal maintenence" much more simple. Just live in the simple points of "what I have to do" to "make shit fit together" in my world.
and that's gotta fucking happen.
oh- I intend to get a girlfriend eventually, this is preferable. But- first I am going to sort out:
family
money
school
dogs
that has to fucking happen. I will stabilize these points first, and then I will have the time for a girlfriend, if it is possible. and I am very picky.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Self-Forgiveness on my older videos
here is the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3hMSIi7Ink
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and breathing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self-victimization
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and want to believe that there is a way for me to hide from how I feel about myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get fucking stuck and mired in self-pity, excuses, justifications and distractions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue the mind, what I know to be the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the fucking mind control
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold from me the ability to stop this shit
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fucking controlled by the judgments, the ‘wrongness’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am ‘not good enough’ /
‘wrong’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall prey to these definitions of right/ wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall for this stuff, instead of always ensuring that I am able to use common sense in regards to ‘what is going on in my being’ in any given moment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fixated and conditioned to resist what is going on in me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from what is going on in me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress, go into denial about, and hide from what is going on inside of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my shit at dad
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame dad for my shit
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3hMSIi7Ink
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and breathing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self-victimization
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and want to believe that there is a way for me to hide from how I feel about myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get fucking stuck and mired in self-pity, excuses, justifications and distractions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue the mind, what I know to be the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the fucking mind control
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold from me the ability to stop this shit
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fucking controlled by the judgments, the ‘wrongness’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am ‘not good enough’ /
‘wrong’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall prey to these definitions of right/ wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall for this stuff, instead of always ensuring that I am able to use common sense in regards to ‘what is going on in my being’ in any given moment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fixated and conditioned to resist what is going on in me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from what is going on in me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress, go into denial about, and hide from what is going on inside of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my shit at dad
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame dad for my shit
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for me
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
self-stabilization in school
alright
I must stabilize this point in myself so that I can face this woman, my writing teacher Krista, without reacting to her so that I can direct the situation appropriately from the starting point of maximizing my effectiveness in this system for equal money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Krista
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being isolated and exposed in front of the class
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being isolated and sexually “stripped” of all value as a “male-unit” in front of the class
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as inferior to beauty and to sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fucking programmed by sex and beauty
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in this world moved by points that I have the tools to stop and stand up to
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cripple me with values attached to pictures
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards Krista with anger and ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame Krista for how I am responding to her abuse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist Krista
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into denial, as a martyr, as “a victim that is standing up for itself” as “a revolutionary”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress inferiority in me in reacting to Krista, and then creating the illusion of superiority- which is ‘revolutionary’. Just immense inferiority.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the system of right and wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist without the intention to actually ever stand up to and stop the judgments and value-abuse of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind in any given moment of expression- justifying this procrastination
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself- this is what it is to be a ‘revolutionary’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look to the other students to accept me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the solution is to be found in my “winning” in the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect and abuse myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into shame because of how I have reacted to Krista
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the void of “I am wrong”- instead of seeing this as a problem that needs to be stopped, and using it like that, going into suppression, denial, and hiding
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the system as blame, because I don’t want to face how conditioned I have become, how weak, fearful and ashamed of myself I am within the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from me as shame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from me as fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘weakness’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘strength’
“strength” and “weakness” are both values that I establish based off of the perception of the other students- ‘what they would think’ - from a starting point of suppressing and hiding from inferiority.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed and possessed by the fear of what others think about me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in fear of others thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from others thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as absolute responsibility for who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck around in my life when I must be consistent and actually test and investigate myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide in self-victimization so that I can avoid having to stop and stand and actually face the world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as special
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define special as “acceptable”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear “not being acceptable”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear “being rejected”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as breathing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved and directed from a starting point of energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create, hide from and thusly hold onto these values of “not being worthy” / “being rejected because I am not good enough”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me by the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing procrastination, excuses and justifications
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to me, even when I know that I am lying
I must stabilize this point in myself so that I can face this woman, my writing teacher Krista, without reacting to her so that I can direct the situation appropriately from the starting point of maximizing my effectiveness in this system for equal money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Krista
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being isolated and exposed in front of the class
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being isolated and sexually “stripped” of all value as a “male-unit” in front of the class
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as inferior to beauty and to sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fucking programmed by sex and beauty
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in this world moved by points that I have the tools to stop and stand up to
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cripple me with values attached to pictures
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards Krista with anger and ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame Krista for how I am responding to her abuse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist Krista
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into denial, as a martyr, as “a victim that is standing up for itself” as “a revolutionary”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress inferiority in me in reacting to Krista, and then creating the illusion of superiority- which is ‘revolutionary’. Just immense inferiority.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the system of right and wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist without the intention to actually ever stand up to and stop the judgments and value-abuse of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind in any given moment of expression- justifying this procrastination
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself- this is what it is to be a ‘revolutionary’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look to the other students to accept me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the solution is to be found in my “winning” in the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect and abuse myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into shame because of how I have reacted to Krista
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the void of “I am wrong”- instead of seeing this as a problem that needs to be stopped, and using it like that, going into suppression, denial, and hiding
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the system as blame, because I don’t want to face how conditioned I have become, how weak, fearful and ashamed of myself I am within the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from me as shame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from me as fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘weakness’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘strength’
“strength” and “weakness” are both values that I establish based off of the perception of the other students- ‘what they would think’ - from a starting point of suppressing and hiding from inferiority.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed and possessed by the fear of what others think about me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in fear of others thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from others thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as absolute responsibility for who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck around in my life when I must be consistent and actually test and investigate myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide in self-victimization so that I can avoid having to stop and stand and actually face the world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as special
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define special as “acceptable”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear “not being acceptable”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear “being rejected”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as breathing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved and directed from a starting point of energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create, hide from and thusly hold onto these values of “not being worthy” / “being rejected because I am not good enough”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me by the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing procrastination, excuses and justifications
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to me, even when I know that I am lying
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Self-Forgiveness as I watch my chinese history online homework lecture videos for school
alright
self forgiveness as I watch my chinese history videos
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself here as self-direction as breathing
its amazing how little I actually breathe
I have some humility pills to take
-
I am not stable in myself as I watch the video. I am not satisfied or entertained by this- I am tired, I will start to ‘squirm’ and look for ways out
and on this observation, I am motivated to start ‘looking for answers’... ummm I don’t think this is going to help.
Im just going to continue breathing and making certain that I am here in every breath
-
alright, its been like 6 minutes and I am falling asleep.
SOOOoo
Im going to put some caffeine in me and do some push ups.
-
okay that seems to help.
I heard that the relationship that people generally have with caffeine: “it makes you not tired” -is a mental relationship.
Im going to leave that one for now, and address it when sugar, cigarettes and then finally masturbation have been dealt with.
Im finally going to establish stability with those points. I just MUST.
-and get my life moving so I can be a benefit to Equal Money and have some fucking dignity as I exist here.
Its been awhile with sugar and cigarettes. I got so sick of the fucking lies and the bullshit excuses and depression- I just stopped and I will continue to stop. Stop that shit.
-
so the video re-set while I was sorting out this little thing that I am doing- I have to find my place in the video again with the difficult-to-use streaming video software and I react with
-ooookkkkayyyy-
why don’t I sit up- I am slouching quite a bit. Like a troll.
alright.
reacted with anger:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the mind and become defined by it and enslaved to it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and purity
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self-pity
I did not notice that point
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame “out there” for who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist reality and go into denial and separation- through self-victimization
-
thoughts running about a girl I talked to online
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self-judgment, and start computatively sorting through my memories and looking for weak spots, where I fear I may be vulnerable to this judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide who I am behind appearances
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as self-forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define self-forgiveness as ‘dumb’ / ‘not effective’ / ‘I have already failed’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withhold from myself the tools I require to get the fuck out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define “getting out” as a form of superiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in superiority and inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project inferiority onto my thoughts, believe it is real, and then really fuck myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and breathing
I must be willing to face all points, every point that comes up in my life, all I have is breathing...
I have failed in every moment up until now- and now, even, I have no idea. I will have to apply myself to vigorously...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction in each and every moment of my exitance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as inferior to “hard work”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define “hard work” as “a great achievement”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become deluded by superiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being exposed for my delusions and lies- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from shame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define “superiority” as “greatness” achieved in spite of the exitance of shame
I am responsible for who I am and everything I experience
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately victimize myself to avoid having to face points
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing lies
--
8:37
Continue to squirm a little bit
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as breathing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately victimize myself by blaming the system for how I am spiteful and judgmental to me- this was the thought that just about came out of me:
“Its unbelievable how little I actually am. I better... something.”
some crap like that or whatever. Just self-victimization and then blame so I can avoid being responsible for myself.
Alright- I have not masturbated in... four days. and this is becoming a problem now- and has been for quite awhile been a problem-
specifically with this sleep-thing, where, when I am in a Quiet-space and it is “really time to work” and there are “no distractions coming up”, I will start to, without thought, actually, become aroused. Which is kind of odd.
whatever.
Im not going to masturbate- because I have set up a schedule to get me off of this shit. Now that cigarettes and sugar are pretty stable, I am going to masturbate once per week over the next four weeks- and then go over the deep end and REALLY push for once every 21 days. Just to see what its like. I have been a chronic masturbator. lol. Boy do I like my orgasms. lol. wtf. Alright- lol- so yea. I have gone 21 days once before, but started again and apparently did not seriously intend to change... so... too late now... I wasted the time. I have to start over and push through all the points all over again.
okayyyyyyyy.... so back to watching.
well first I am going to get up, walk around a little, take...
35 deep breaths on the four count (I will have to get a tally, or I will forget)
and put an ant-acid pill into my stomach... and.... then come back and work.
lol
I wanted to go say
“and then go eat something good”
and thats kind of embarassing. But I have already eaten. I could use some water, tho.
inhale!
hold
exhale
hold
9:03pm
Just brought up a plan I have with my father to sell 30 silver-dollars out of my hoard and donating it to equal money- fascinating how my father resists-
but why do I take it so hard? The sadness and crushing feeling in my chest is just so not necessary and totally irrelevant to this situation- so why does it happen?
Im about to fall into that point of “searching for a grand answer”- thats a tricky fucker.
All I can do is breathe, and continue to apply myself in consistency and dedication
boring, boring dedication and consistency
I want to go out and buy prostitutes and do a whole bunch of cocaine right now- lol. Thats fun in this reality.
lololol
wtf.
alright.
enough of that shit. I have to get back to serious stuff. I’m gonna make this happen no matter what.
lol
just thought about how I am towards this man who is talking in the video:
“Sir, I don’t mean to tickle your ego or anything, but I just wanted to say that I am very grateful that I have been able to experience you as a professor. You are very skilled at what you do, but just not as skilled as you think you are.”
okay.
damn it.
Thats really clever and all... but look at what I am doing. I could say the same thing to myself. lol. Goddamn it. It is just another thought that I am using to entertain myself.
GOD!
why does reality have to be so boring!!
alright- that^ leaves the door open to me leaving to entertain myself somehow
(thought just came up of Oxy- an opiate painkiller I have abused to suppress myself- and I really feel like: “Ewwwwww”. How shitty. Nope. No Oxy.)
so- not good enough,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist boredom, and try and suppress and ignore my addiction to this point of “hope that the future will be ‘fun’”
^this feels like childhood stuff, “Fun”. Okay- yea. That’s probably some pretty ‘deep’ stuff. It makes alot alot of sense to look at this as if I was a child torn between some kind of extreme sensory overload and sitting in the house being ignored. Lol
shitty.
alright
breathe
ihale
hold
exhale
hold
inhale
hold
exhale
hold
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction in every moment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become defined by things like “fun” and “entertainment” and “hoping for fun to pop up” as: food... playing with others... being given attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependant on this point of ecstacy and elation of “fun”.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here with thoughts and hope
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect the directive principle
alright- also- there was a point-
oh.
Yes. That point of ecstacy-
its not about strong or weak.
So... just to observe that now and bring it up, because that will probably come up... nahhh
I should just deal with it here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define stone-cold, hard, alone, isolated, independent, 'does not need others’ - as strong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing male-ego programming to take place in me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define support from others as weak
Support is cool- and this point of “fun” and “playing” can be used for support- but it is like sex in that it can also be an addiction.
and it is required for me to not need it right now.
Thats hard.
but not superior or inferior
just harder. more shitty.
lol
and thats it.
I would be no different if I was supported “out”
than if I “got out” on my own
I’m not giving attention anymore to this point of “getting out”
I have no fucking Idea what “out” means, so my focus should be on me, here, supporting myself here. and that should be my only focus.
---
9:20
WOAHHHHH
just saw a picture of COINAGE from ancient china-
WOAH
DEFINATELY do SF on currency cash!
----
9:46
Uhhhhhhh
this sucks so much
I wanna talk to people. I don’t like sitting here alone.
alright.
damn.
FUCK THAT. such a waste of time, that this world requires such useless bullshit. What a fucking waste. Its a crying shame.
Alright- self forgiveness again. I must be able to do this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependant on attention from other people to support myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need attention from other people to support myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need other people to give me permission to believe that “I am allowed to be this way”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependant on other people to support my existence as a functional mind system
It should not matter if I am alone or with others, I am me always.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious about being here, as LIVED self-stability
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear LIVING myself
self forgiveness as I watch my chinese history videos
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself here as self-direction as breathing
its amazing how little I actually breathe
I have some humility pills to take
-
I am not stable in myself as I watch the video. I am not satisfied or entertained by this- I am tired, I will start to ‘squirm’ and look for ways out
and on this observation, I am motivated to start ‘looking for answers’... ummm I don’t think this is going to help.
Im just going to continue breathing and making certain that I am here in every breath
-
alright, its been like 6 minutes and I am falling asleep.
SOOOoo
Im going to put some caffeine in me and do some push ups.
-
okay that seems to help.
I heard that the relationship that people generally have with caffeine: “it makes you not tired” -is a mental relationship.
Im going to leave that one for now, and address it when sugar, cigarettes and then finally masturbation have been dealt with.
Im finally going to establish stability with those points. I just MUST.
-and get my life moving so I can be a benefit to Equal Money and have some fucking dignity as I exist here.
Its been awhile with sugar and cigarettes. I got so sick of the fucking lies and the bullshit excuses and depression- I just stopped and I will continue to stop. Stop that shit.
-
so the video re-set while I was sorting out this little thing that I am doing- I have to find my place in the video again with the difficult-to-use streaming video software and I react with
-ooookkkkayyyy-
why don’t I sit up- I am slouching quite a bit. Like a troll.
alright.
reacted with anger:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the mind and become defined by it and enslaved to it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and purity
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self-pity
I did not notice that point
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame “out there” for who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist reality and go into denial and separation- through self-victimization
-
thoughts running about a girl I talked to online
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self-judgment, and start computatively sorting through my memories and looking for weak spots, where I fear I may be vulnerable to this judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide who I am behind appearances
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as self-forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define self-forgiveness as ‘dumb’ / ‘not effective’ / ‘I have already failed’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withhold from myself the tools I require to get the fuck out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define “getting out” as a form of superiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in superiority and inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project inferiority onto my thoughts, believe it is real, and then really fuck myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and breathing
I must be willing to face all points, every point that comes up in my life, all I have is breathing...
I have failed in every moment up until now- and now, even, I have no idea. I will have to apply myself to vigorously...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction in each and every moment of my exitance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as inferior to “hard work”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define “hard work” as “a great achievement”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become deluded by superiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being exposed for my delusions and lies- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from shame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define “superiority” as “greatness” achieved in spite of the exitance of shame
I am responsible for who I am and everything I experience
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately victimize myself to avoid having to face points
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing lies
--
8:37
Continue to squirm a little bit
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as breathing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately victimize myself by blaming the system for how I am spiteful and judgmental to me- this was the thought that just about came out of me:
“Its unbelievable how little I actually am. I better... something.”
some crap like that or whatever. Just self-victimization and then blame so I can avoid being responsible for myself.
Alright- I have not masturbated in... four days. and this is becoming a problem now- and has been for quite awhile been a problem-
specifically with this sleep-thing, where, when I am in a Quiet-space and it is “really time to work” and there are “no distractions coming up”, I will start to, without thought, actually, become aroused. Which is kind of odd.
whatever.
Im not going to masturbate- because I have set up a schedule to get me off of this shit. Now that cigarettes and sugar are pretty stable, I am going to masturbate once per week over the next four weeks- and then go over the deep end and REALLY push for once every 21 days. Just to see what its like. I have been a chronic masturbator. lol. Boy do I like my orgasms. lol. wtf. Alright- lol- so yea. I have gone 21 days once before, but started again and apparently did not seriously intend to change... so... too late now... I wasted the time. I have to start over and push through all the points all over again.
okayyyyyyyy.... so back to watching.
well first I am going to get up, walk around a little, take...
35 deep breaths on the four count (I will have to get a tally, or I will forget)
and put an ant-acid pill into my stomach... and.... then come back and work.
lol
I wanted to go say
“and then go eat something good”
and thats kind of embarassing. But I have already eaten. I could use some water, tho.
inhale!
hold
exhale
hold
9:03pm
Just brought up a plan I have with my father to sell 30 silver-dollars out of my hoard and donating it to equal money- fascinating how my father resists-
but why do I take it so hard? The sadness and crushing feeling in my chest is just so not necessary and totally irrelevant to this situation- so why does it happen?
Im about to fall into that point of “searching for a grand answer”- thats a tricky fucker.
All I can do is breathe, and continue to apply myself in consistency and dedication
boring, boring dedication and consistency
I want to go out and buy prostitutes and do a whole bunch of cocaine right now- lol. Thats fun in this reality.
lololol
wtf.
alright.
enough of that shit. I have to get back to serious stuff. I’m gonna make this happen no matter what.
lol
just thought about how I am towards this man who is talking in the video:
“Sir, I don’t mean to tickle your ego or anything, but I just wanted to say that I am very grateful that I have been able to experience you as a professor. You are very skilled at what you do, but just not as skilled as you think you are.”
okay.
damn it.
Thats really clever and all... but look at what I am doing. I could say the same thing to myself. lol. Goddamn it. It is just another thought that I am using to entertain myself.
GOD!
why does reality have to be so boring!!
alright- that^ leaves the door open to me leaving to entertain myself somehow
(thought just came up of Oxy- an opiate painkiller I have abused to suppress myself- and I really feel like: “Ewwwwww”. How shitty. Nope. No Oxy.)
so- not good enough,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist boredom, and try and suppress and ignore my addiction to this point of “hope that the future will be ‘fun’”
^this feels like childhood stuff, “Fun”. Okay- yea. That’s probably some pretty ‘deep’ stuff. It makes alot alot of sense to look at this as if I was a child torn between some kind of extreme sensory overload and sitting in the house being ignored. Lol
shitty.
alright
breathe
ihale
hold
exhale
hold
inhale
hold
exhale
hold
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction in every moment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become defined by things like “fun” and “entertainment” and “hoping for fun to pop up” as: food... playing with others... being given attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependant on this point of ecstacy and elation of “fun”.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here with thoughts and hope
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect the directive principle
alright- also- there was a point-
oh.
Yes. That point of ecstacy-
its not about strong or weak.
So... just to observe that now and bring it up, because that will probably come up... nahhh
I should just deal with it here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define stone-cold, hard, alone, isolated, independent, 'does not need others’ - as strong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing male-ego programming to take place in me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define support from others as weak
Support is cool- and this point of “fun” and “playing” can be used for support- but it is like sex in that it can also be an addiction.
and it is required for me to not need it right now.
Thats hard.
but not superior or inferior
just harder. more shitty.
lol
and thats it.
I would be no different if I was supported “out”
than if I “got out” on my own
I’m not giving attention anymore to this point of “getting out”
I have no fucking Idea what “out” means, so my focus should be on me, here, supporting myself here. and that should be my only focus.
---
9:20
WOAHHHHH
just saw a picture of COINAGE from ancient china-
WOAH
DEFINATELY do SF on currency cash!
----
9:46
Uhhhhhhh
this sucks so much
I wanna talk to people. I don’t like sitting here alone.
alright.
damn.
FUCK THAT. such a waste of time, that this world requires such useless bullshit. What a fucking waste. Its a crying shame.
Alright- self forgiveness again. I must be able to do this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependant on attention from other people to support myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need attention from other people to support myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need other people to give me permission to believe that “I am allowed to be this way”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependant on other people to support my existence as a functional mind system
It should not matter if I am alone or with others, I am me always.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious about being here, as LIVED self-stability
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear LIVING myself
Monday, November 1, 2010
Fear of being exposed to the family-unit abroad
Okay.
So it looks like my extended family is going to run across desteni in a short while
thanks to facebook and social networking,
and I am very afraid.
So, what am I afraid of? That’s interesting, because it seems like I would like to believe that I am NOT afraid of such things, but oh lordy am I, apparently.
Thats really odd. Because I know that there is actually very little they can do to me.
I mean MAYYYBBEEE
maybe
they can sick the psychiatrists onto me, and that might work. But... that thought did not even come up until I typed “there is actually very little they can do to me”
so it was likely not what I was afraid of in the first place.
So it seems like I am afraid of “this world”.
(tsh. It sounds so simple! lol)
-from the perspective of believing that the family protects me from this world.
fuck
that
shit
I need to get out of this fucking place
and that means... I have to live on my own.
Someone told me once that I Was deliberately suppressing this point because I was afraid.
and that point came up for me again two days ago:
I realized I was afraid of actually living in this world with no money. I never believed that this would exist in me, because I always thought being poor would be a really cool thing: I could just sit around under a tree all day and eat out of the garbage and no-one would ever bother me.
but I’ve never considered actually living in the system with no money.
I can’t just stay in this fucking house.
I mean...
my father is simply NOT supportive. That’s just... it sucks. That is like the LAST thing I need, is to ‘have him’ in this ‘position in my life’ where he is my solitary, main point of human contact.
He does not know what it is like to live with him. Just being around him drains me, its like... I don’t know how to deal with him. Because I’m placed in a position where I must be able to stand and direct him constantly.
because he is not standing at all.
and I usually just get sucked into his shit.
and land myself in a mire of depression.
it is simply better for me to be living on my own. Even, this way I can more effectively support my father. and me.
My mother is aware of what it is like for me and my father. From this point she has offered to support me in getting my own place.
and that’s cool.
so I have two job applications on the list today. I overslept again (which sucks, that really sucks and is getting in the way of my work- I will do a post on that)
so I am going to do some self-forgiveness on these points that are active.
and then I’m going to leave early so that I can enjoy the privileage of being able to go out and beg someone to let me sell them my labor so I can afford my independence.
So it looks like my extended family is going to run across desteni in a short while
thanks to facebook and social networking,
and I am very afraid.
So, what am I afraid of? That’s interesting, because it seems like I would like to believe that I am NOT afraid of such things, but oh lordy am I, apparently.
Thats really odd. Because I know that there is actually very little they can do to me.
I mean MAYYYBBEEE
maybe
they can sick the psychiatrists onto me, and that might work. But... that thought did not even come up until I typed “there is actually very little they can do to me”
so it was likely not what I was afraid of in the first place.
So it seems like I am afraid of “this world”.
(tsh. It sounds so simple! lol)
-from the perspective of believing that the family protects me from this world.
fuck
that
shit
I need to get out of this fucking place
and that means... I have to live on my own.
Someone told me once that I Was deliberately suppressing this point because I was afraid.
and that point came up for me again two days ago:
I realized I was afraid of actually living in this world with no money. I never believed that this would exist in me, because I always thought being poor would be a really cool thing: I could just sit around under a tree all day and eat out of the garbage and no-one would ever bother me.
but I’ve never considered actually living in the system with no money.
I can’t just stay in this fucking house.
I mean...
my father is simply NOT supportive. That’s just... it sucks. That is like the LAST thing I need, is to ‘have him’ in this ‘position in my life’ where he is my solitary, main point of human contact.
He does not know what it is like to live with him. Just being around him drains me, its like... I don’t know how to deal with him. Because I’m placed in a position where I must be able to stand and direct him constantly.
because he is not standing at all.
and I usually just get sucked into his shit.
and land myself in a mire of depression.
it is simply better for me to be living on my own. Even, this way I can more effectively support my father. and me.
My mother is aware of what it is like for me and my father. From this point she has offered to support me in getting my own place.
and that’s cool.
so I have two job applications on the list today. I overslept again (which sucks, that really sucks and is getting in the way of my work- I will do a post on that)
so I am going to do some self-forgiveness on these points that are active.
and then I’m going to leave early so that I can enjoy the privileage of being able to go out and beg someone to let me sell them my labor so I can afford my independence.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Self-Forgiveness after falling from my superiority delusion
(I really fucked up with that last one. Shit fire jesus christ)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to sexuality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thought possession- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am actually afraid of being judged by others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge sexuality and sex addiction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed with female body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a mind-molester of female body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as superior about this that exists in me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as superior to sexual addiction because I was given attention for making a video about stopping sexual addiction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from sexual addiction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress sexual addiction in me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts to control me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself with thought
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify acting on thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to condition myself to believe thoughts are me
---
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear desteni and people associated with Desteni
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself and hide from this fear by distracting myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me as inferior to Desteni
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to sexuality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thought possession- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am actually afraid of being judged by others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge sexuality and sex addiction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed with female body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a mind-molester of female body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as superior about this that exists in me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as superior to sexual addiction because I was given attention for making a video about stopping sexual addiction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from sexual addiction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress sexual addiction in me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts to control me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself with thought
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify acting on thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to condition myself to believe thoughts are me
---
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear desteni and people associated with Desteni
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself and hide from this fear by distracting myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me as inferior to Desteni
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Talking to myself
fucking hell
fuck
I know nothing else.
This is why I haven’t faced myself.
Breathing is the ultimate proof.
I haven’t faced myself because I gave up on me a long time ago and I am still living out the patterns.
I am so fucking programmed.
How did it get so fucking bad... to the point where this is all I believe?
even when, and it must be, frequently, disproved- how is it that this is all I believe and all that I notice?
All that I notice... is... that I am not good enough. That I am somehow wrong, sickened, weak. How can this be the only thing that exists?
Tonight I told my father about how an administrator in the school thought that I was “a danger to myself and others”
I had to agree. I have been a danger to myself and a danger to others. That is my mind.
but I wanted someone to support me within that, I wanted to have someone accept me for this.
I did not want to be alone.
I brought it up to my father, asking him to ‘agree with me’ that ‘i am not this way’ and ‘accept me’
he would not. He told me that I was stupid. Thats how he feels about himself and he doesn’t see.
I yelled at him. I told him I was stupid. I told him I was stupid for even trying to bring him into this. I yelled at him and this has effect, this actually moves him now, I told him to stay the fuck out.
I feel- I am still feeling this, I am actually feeding it as I write and run the memories through my head, charging these points, it is unspeakable self-loathing. I want to blame my father. At least that way I can have someone to attack, some gain to be possible in this situation so that to ‘only option’ does not become me tearing the fuck out of my skin.
If that happened, I would have to go through the experience of “losing everything”
wait. If I said that I am feeding these points as I write, -woah. Slouching quite a bit there- why did I not stop? Well- now I’m “talking to other people”
nope.
Not this time. No one here but me.
I am so sad. I am sad that it has to be like this, that I have to deal with this
self-pity.
self-pity.
What is this?
Should I even ask?
What is the point?
What do I need to move?
Ahhhh. There it is.
Am I breathing?
no.
why not?
I am thinking. I am thinking about why I am such a worthless piece of good-for nothing useless shit.
So stop that. Obviously.
jesus fucking christ.
I never want to see another human being ever again.
Why?
Because then they will see how I have changed. The ‘difference’ would reveal my shame and they would burn and hate me?
Nope. Not really.
Wait- no
No. I write to me so that I can see what is going on in my mind. I am not looking for a group to fucking be involved with. Fuck that. Fuck all of that I’m so fucking sick of that shit.
Dad is coming out of his room.
I am not going to talk to him.
Wait I just did. I delay.
I am not going to talk to him in there. I am going to wait and make sure that I am only doing this shit so that I can remain functional in the system as a point of self-direction that is grounded in myself as self-direction but is not influenced by ‘that shit’.
Breathe.
Fuck,
mother fucking piece of shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck hell fucking hell crap shit ass fuck.
FUCK
breathe.
I don’t know what to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
Lots of points flare up
(I want to be special. I want to impress them. I want and can become greater than all of them.)
in that forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush self-forgiveness so that I can achieve a state
breathe
of mind where I am charged and feeling good about myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist, deny, avoid and hide from inferiority, the lived experience of inferiority.
If I am unwilling-
not that. That last one was a point of trying to sound like Bernard.
arrogant fuck
okay.
breathe.
breathe,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself in the application of self-forgiveness because I am seeking energy, I am seeking a state of being to avoid and forget how I feel about myself.
This is the same point as what is fucking me up with my studying and destroying my ability to remain stable within ‘studying’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
Im not going anywhere.
“god kill me now”
breathe.
I don’t know what to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction.
breathe
1234
1234
1234
1234
1234
12
breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sepparate me from me ehere
point came ip-
“I want to kill all of them”
lol
all of who?
Desteni?
lol
I dare you.
fuckingd
enough of that.
lol
breathe,
lol
breathe
1234
123
41234
1234
1234
1234
1234
1234
1234
Dad just stood behind me,
I am afraid he saw me writing
Will he betray me like the rest of them?
What am I afraid of losing?
M
Y
F A M I L Y
?
I dont think so
breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being attacked by my fathers systems
1234
1234 breathe
I always forget to breathe wehen typing tht
1234
h234
e23 breathe
I did it again
in234
ou234
w123
e
damn.
okay enough of that
inhale
hold
exhale
hold
inhale
damn lol I forgiv- whoops,
lol
forgot.
out234
again
in
“i forgot again”
out
lol
in
SO this is what i must do it seems.
Like the best life coach that can exist.
I must exist in constant movement, so that I never sit stagant and forget myself and fall prey to the systems...
I would never have been able to fo this without desteni....
in
why is that>
out
in
hold
out
hold
in
I dont like the four count
out
I dont like holding my breath in for four seconds
out
234
In
youtube must stop
out
Why?
in
it is a mess.
wait
I am separated
stop
IN hold
out hold
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and breathing
so that is self-honesty
I will make use of that term god damn it to hell
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me into two parts that talk to each other
that happens
in
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self-judgment for separating myself into two parts because I believe there there is no way that “I” can handle all parts on my own.
fuck
I wnat to make a youtube video-
“I want to make a youtube video where I show this off to... J-something-Jesus. He was really cool. So smooth and admirable
In
Hold
Out
hold
damn..
wheres muy fuckingfireworks
out
lol
...
in
sitting up
okay.
I have to deal with this point.
Breathe...
breathe.
out
hold
in
hold
out
hold
self-judgment thought: “what will I look like to others?”
no more than that. It is mind. Stop and breathe.
I miss the point when I move in to investigate and “find out what is wrong with me”
obviously
in - hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
out
hold
In
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as the point of inferiority
in
hold
out
I want to give up oin this.
It is taking to long.
out
hold
No.
nonono
In,,,,
hols
out
hold.
I want to eat.
in
hold
out
hold
I want others to think I am great
hold
out
breathe,
hold
In
hole
out
hld
rub nose.
oout
hold
right nare left index on upward rub
two points of painfulness-
septum tingles left thumb and index pinch-rub
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to violate and judge my body
“violate”
good bad
food evil
IN
hold
out
hold
lol
oh shit
:food” evil
was sipposed to be
“good” evil
In
slouching a little
in
hold
out
hold
in
eyes getting fidgety
out
so what am I foing to do?
I want to experience pain.
Should I put my head under the water>
in
lol
hold
out
breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
hold
out
hold
In
hold
out
hold
I want to do this shit fucking perfect
out
hold
In
hold
out
respond to the dog, now.
In
I need no food right now
respond t o the fosg, now
In
...
okay.
Fuck
my back hurts
fuck
fuck
in
fuck
out
lol
Im drinking tea/
in
out
okay
in
okay
wait
out
this is turning shitty
shit-stained
(want to be special)
fuck
in
hold
out
hold
my back hurts. back middle lower left
out
in
what
out
to do.
In
hold
out
hold
in
hold
out
hod
in
hold
out
hold
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from judgment
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from applying self-trust
out
self trust is a tool, not a toy
in
I justify it because I first want to “prove” myself
out
resisting, charging and avoiding inferiority
hold
in
hold
out
hold
in
hold
out
I MUST stop all inferiority points
thoughts of comparison
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give head to points of inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing inferiority to control me
in
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as my thoughts of inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts of comparing my value to others
If I wasn’t such a fucking sweetie I would be jealous as shit of everyone
In
lol
out
something wrong with that
in
out
hold
in
slowing down breathing
right ear is ringing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself by attention
out
I forgive mys-
okay this point is not active...
not active?
I activate it.
I forgive myself for accepting...
I dont want ti
uts so boring
Im just lookin g for something to do
in
where am I?
fuck
fucker
FUCK!
in
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and breathing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
in
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in hope for a better experience
In
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and escape from me, here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize* me for ‘having to experience it this way’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself TO FEED THE VICTIM
holy fuck
thats pretty.... ugly
in
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and abuse myself with self-pity and self-victimization by deliberately abusing myself so that I can enter into a state where I will justify continuing!
WHAT THE FUCK
In
hold
out
hold
getting fidgety in myself. I will stand through all of it and get myself out of this.
I am giving myself no other option
“but I want to hide!”
this is the design of the mind, it seems/
to avoid realizing itself
inhale
hold
exhale
hold
my back really hurts
sitting up a little straighter.
Maya said to hold up my neck.
Okay. That is better.
In
I forgive myself - nahhhh
it doesn’t feel legitimate.
Okay, I have lots of schcoolwork to do.
Lets do it well.
Fuck.
No.
Im not going to do that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as absolute self-responsibility and self-direction in my breathing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing inferiority to exist in me
center chest pain
out
hold
inhale
ssneeze
inhale
hold
exhale
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need “a cocky” personality design to get me through this
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from what must be done, here in every moment as self-direction as breathing as I birth me as life itself as the living experience
...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self pity because of what I experience and what I do to myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to pity because I define it as love
EW!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want older women and to pursue situations where older women love me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need my mother’s energy to function
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself inhale
to become addicted to my mother’s attention
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself for the sake of this energy
Its a drug, DANA!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysself to define me as bad/wrong if I exist without my mother’s energy
energy cycles of addiction. Highs and Downs.
Inhale
exhale
“I just can’t handle every point that comes up”
Inhale
no, I can’t.
Thats why I’m here
exhale.
Split personality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘the object that’s worth is to be assessed’
Inhale
“I’m never going to get out of this”
Like FUCK I’m not
like fuck I’m not
inhale
exhale
more of dad’s ‘I hate myself I am disgusting’ yawning
tsh
he believes he is comfortable
... like jubba the hut.
lol
ihale
exhale
like the father in “dantes inferno”
interesting
inhale
exhale
I fogive myself for accepting and
legs tired- move them
allowing myself to fall into the fucking useless entertainment mindfuck about information
exhale
inhale
hold
fuck
exhale
okay.
I have work to do.
I am going to go and sit in my room for 15 minutes and just breathe.
I WANT TO BE ALONE
I want stability
I want to be able to use these time-breaks to stabilize myself in between periods of movement
inhale
OUT
fuck
I know nothing else.
This is why I haven’t faced myself.
Breathing is the ultimate proof.
I haven’t faced myself because I gave up on me a long time ago and I am still living out the patterns.
I am so fucking programmed.
How did it get so fucking bad... to the point where this is all I believe?
even when, and it must be, frequently, disproved- how is it that this is all I believe and all that I notice?
All that I notice... is... that I am not good enough. That I am somehow wrong, sickened, weak. How can this be the only thing that exists?
Tonight I told my father about how an administrator in the school thought that I was “a danger to myself and others”
I had to agree. I have been a danger to myself and a danger to others. That is my mind.
but I wanted someone to support me within that, I wanted to have someone accept me for this.
I did not want to be alone.
I brought it up to my father, asking him to ‘agree with me’ that ‘i am not this way’ and ‘accept me’
he would not. He told me that I was stupid. Thats how he feels about himself and he doesn’t see.
I yelled at him. I told him I was stupid. I told him I was stupid for even trying to bring him into this. I yelled at him and this has effect, this actually moves him now, I told him to stay the fuck out.
I feel- I am still feeling this, I am actually feeding it as I write and run the memories through my head, charging these points, it is unspeakable self-loathing. I want to blame my father. At least that way I can have someone to attack, some gain to be possible in this situation so that to ‘only option’ does not become me tearing the fuck out of my skin.
If that happened, I would have to go through the experience of “losing everything”
wait. If I said that I am feeding these points as I write, -woah. Slouching quite a bit there- why did I not stop? Well- now I’m “talking to other people”
nope.
Not this time. No one here but me.
I am so sad. I am sad that it has to be like this, that I have to deal with this
self-pity.
self-pity.
What is this?
Should I even ask?
What is the point?
What do I need to move?
Ahhhh. There it is.
Am I breathing?
no.
why not?
I am thinking. I am thinking about why I am such a worthless piece of good-for nothing useless shit.
So stop that. Obviously.
jesus fucking christ.
I never want to see another human being ever again.
Why?
Because then they will see how I have changed. The ‘difference’ would reveal my shame and they would burn and hate me?
Nope. Not really.
Wait- no
No. I write to me so that I can see what is going on in my mind. I am not looking for a group to fucking be involved with. Fuck that. Fuck all of that I’m so fucking sick of that shit.
Dad is coming out of his room.
I am not going to talk to him.
Wait I just did. I delay.
I am not going to talk to him in there. I am going to wait and make sure that I am only doing this shit so that I can remain functional in the system as a point of self-direction that is grounded in myself as self-direction but is not influenced by ‘that shit’.
Breathe.
Fuck,
mother fucking piece of shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck hell fucking hell crap shit ass fuck.
FUCK
breathe.
I don’t know what to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
Lots of points flare up
(I want to be special. I want to impress them. I want and can become greater than all of them.)
in that forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush self-forgiveness so that I can achieve a state
breathe
of mind where I am charged and feeling good about myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist, deny, avoid and hide from inferiority, the lived experience of inferiority.
If I am unwilling-
not that. That last one was a point of trying to sound like Bernard.
arrogant fuck
okay.
breathe.
breathe,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself in the application of self-forgiveness because I am seeking energy, I am seeking a state of being to avoid and forget how I feel about myself.
This is the same point as what is fucking me up with my studying and destroying my ability to remain stable within ‘studying’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
Im not going anywhere.
“god kill me now”
breathe.
I don’t know what to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction.
breathe
1234
1234
1234
1234
1234
12
breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sepparate me from me ehere
point came ip-
“I want to kill all of them”
lol
all of who?
Desteni?
lol
I dare you.
fuckingd
enough of that.
lol
breathe,
lol
breathe
1234
123
41234
1234
1234
1234
1234
1234
1234
Dad just stood behind me,
I am afraid he saw me writing
Will he betray me like the rest of them?
What am I afraid of losing?
M
Y
F A M I L Y
?
I dont think so
breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being attacked by my fathers systems
1234
1234 breathe
I always forget to breathe wehen typing tht
1234
h234
e23 breathe
I did it again
in234
ou234
w123
e
damn.
okay enough of that
inhale
hold
exhale
hold
inhale
damn lol I forgiv- whoops,
lol
forgot.
out234
again
in
“i forgot again”
out
lol
in
SO this is what i must do it seems.
Like the best life coach that can exist.
I must exist in constant movement, so that I never sit stagant and forget myself and fall prey to the systems...
I would never have been able to fo this without desteni....
in
why is that>
out
in
hold
out
hold
in
I dont like the four count
out
I dont like holding my breath in for four seconds
out
234
In
youtube must stop
out
Why?
in
it is a mess.
wait
I am separated
stop
IN hold
out hold
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and breathing
so that is self-honesty
I will make use of that term god damn it to hell
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me into two parts that talk to each other
that happens
in
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self-judgment for separating myself into two parts because I believe there there is no way that “I” can handle all parts on my own.
fuck
I wnat to make a youtube video-
“I want to make a youtube video where I show this off to... J-something-Jesus. He was really cool. So smooth and admirable
In
Hold
Out
hold
damn..
wheres muy fuckingfireworks
out
lol
...
in
sitting up
okay.
I have to deal with this point.
Breathe...
breathe.
out
hold
in
hold
out
hold
self-judgment thought: “what will I look like to others?”
no more than that. It is mind. Stop and breathe.
I miss the point when I move in to investigate and “find out what is wrong with me”
obviously
in - hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
out
hold
In
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as the point of inferiority
in
hold
out
I want to give up oin this.
It is taking to long.
out
hold
No.
nonono
In,,,,
hols
out
hold.
I want to eat.
in
hold
out
hold
I want others to think I am great
hold
out
breathe,
hold
In
hole
out
hld
rub nose.
oout
hold
right nare left index on upward rub
two points of painfulness-
septum tingles left thumb and index pinch-rub
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to violate and judge my body
“violate”
good bad
food evil
IN
hold
out
hold
lol
oh shit
:food” evil
was sipposed to be
“good” evil
In
slouching a little
in
hold
out
hold
in
eyes getting fidgety
out
so what am I foing to do?
I want to experience pain.
Should I put my head under the water>
in
lol
hold
out
breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
hold
out
hold
In
hold
out
hold
I want to do this shit fucking perfect
out
hold
In
hold
out
respond to the dog, now.
In
I need no food right now
respond t o the fosg, now
In
...
okay.
Fuck
my back hurts
fuck
fuck
in
fuck
out
lol
Im drinking tea/
in
out
okay
in
okay
wait
out
this is turning shitty
shit-stained
(want to be special)
fuck
in
hold
out
hold
my back hurts. back middle lower left
out
in
what
out
to do.
In
hold
out
hold
in
hold
out
hod
in
hold
out
hold
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from judgment
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from applying self-trust
out
self trust is a tool, not a toy
in
I justify it because I first want to “prove” myself
out
resisting, charging and avoiding inferiority
hold
in
hold
out
hold
in
hold
out
I MUST stop all inferiority points
thoughts of comparison
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give head to points of inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing inferiority to control me
in
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as my thoughts of inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts of comparing my value to others
If I wasn’t such a fucking sweetie I would be jealous as shit of everyone
In
lol
out
something wrong with that
in
out
hold
in
slowing down breathing
right ear is ringing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself by attention
out
I forgive mys-
okay this point is not active...
not active?
I activate it.
I forgive myself for accepting...
I dont want ti
uts so boring
Im just lookin g for something to do
in
where am I?
fuck
fucker
FUCK!
in
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and breathing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
in
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in hope for a better experience
In
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and escape from me, here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize* me for ‘having to experience it this way’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself TO FEED THE VICTIM
holy fuck
thats pretty.... ugly
in
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and abuse myself with self-pity and self-victimization by deliberately abusing myself so that I can enter into a state where I will justify continuing!
WHAT THE FUCK
In
hold
out
hold
getting fidgety in myself. I will stand through all of it and get myself out of this.
I am giving myself no other option
“but I want to hide!”
this is the design of the mind, it seems/
to avoid realizing itself
inhale
hold
exhale
hold
my back really hurts
sitting up a little straighter.
Maya said to hold up my neck.
Okay. That is better.
In
I forgive myself - nahhhh
it doesn’t feel legitimate.
Okay, I have lots of schcoolwork to do.
Lets do it well.
Fuck.
No.
Im not going to do that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as absolute self-responsibility and self-direction in my breathing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing inferiority to exist in me
center chest pain
out
hold
inhale
ssneeze
inhale
hold
exhale
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need “a cocky” personality design to get me through this
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from what must be done, here in every moment as self-direction as breathing as I birth me as life itself as the living experience
...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self pity because of what I experience and what I do to myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to pity because I define it as love
EW!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want older women and to pursue situations where older women love me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need my mother’s energy to function
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself inhale
to become addicted to my mother’s attention
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself for the sake of this energy
Its a drug, DANA!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysself to define me as bad/wrong if I exist without my mother’s energy
energy cycles of addiction. Highs and Downs.
Inhale
exhale
“I just can’t handle every point that comes up”
Inhale
no, I can’t.
Thats why I’m here
exhale.
Split personality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘the object that’s worth is to be assessed’
Inhale
“I’m never going to get out of this”
Like FUCK I’m not
like fuck I’m not
inhale
exhale
more of dad’s ‘I hate myself I am disgusting’ yawning
tsh
he believes he is comfortable
... like jubba the hut.
lol
ihale
exhale
like the father in “dantes inferno”
interesting
inhale
exhale
I fogive myself for accepting and
legs tired- move them
allowing myself to fall into the fucking useless entertainment mindfuck about information
exhale
inhale
hold
fuck
exhale
okay.
I have work to do.
I am going to go and sit in my room for 15 minutes and just breathe.
I WANT TO BE ALONE
I want stability
I want to be able to use these time-breaks to stabilize myself in between periods of movement
inhale
OUT
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