Stopping fighting with family

I have to write a blog- oh god I haven’t planned anything to write about.




So other than the fact that my life is basically a complete and total failure and that I have driven into the ground almost every statement I have made about myself and my life...



well...



Awhile ago I heard from someone in the Desteni process something that sounded like this:



“The greatest point of support that I have given myself is [how I have cut out everyone from my life who was abusing/ participating in the mind]”



-it was something like that.



and I will write this blog about how I am beginning to understand what the statement above looks like in application.



Somewhere along the line of this humiliating disaster that is my life, I have learned (through trial-and-error) that in order to stop fighting with my family I have to stop participating with them in mind-system-fights.



What does that mean in specifics?



Well what I used to do was this:



I would be “talking” with my father and I would see our intercourse begin to descend into energetic, emotional abuse. We would begin “a fight.”



So inside myself I am furious and I am wanting to “attack/ harm/ defeat my father”



...but this desire to “beat”/ beat my father in the argument... it is so unjust. It is so something that I just cannot, cannot continue to justify in myself. So I have to stop.



So what I have done is the following:



I will “stop” -----talking.



I will stop talking with my father and then continue to fight with him in my mind. Suppressing, suppressing, suppressing the feeling that “I have lost” and the desire to, somehow, anyhow, “find a way” to continue the fight so that I can feel like I have “won” in some way, and that this “way” is somehow justified-- because “I want to feel good about myself.”



So already right there I can see that I am fucked because I am actually still fighting with my father in my thoughts.



How is that different now and what have I done:



Well for a long, long time I have been to afraid to make the following statement:



“I am not participating with this anymore.”



-and not just with the emotional abuse with my father, but with every single human being in my life I have been afraid to make that statement:



“I am not participating with this anymore.”



-and actually, I realize as I write this that I am actually able to use those exact words as a tool to make the statement,



-not only to my family and the people in my life, but to myself as well--



-that I am not going to allow myself to continue the emotional abuse that exists within “fighting.”



I can just stop.



I can literally just say:



“I do not want to continue this conversation.”



“I do not want to talk anymore.”



“I am not participating anymore.”



-and not “fight”, and not “stop talking because I want to feel right and feel like it is my father’s fault that I am in an argument-- I can literally just, plainly and simply speak direct self-direction:



some form of the statement:



“I am not participating anymore.”



-and then breathe and make sure that I do not allow myself to ‘fight’ anymore, not even with thoughts. Breathing is probably key, like they say at Desteni.



-So I have not really ever realized this before, I have only done ‘stopping’ in pretend.

Writing about my day/ sleeping

One of my greater realizations in the Desteni process thus far is that I actually have to plan ahead to sit down and make time to work with my mind-constructs.




So I do not have too long before the dogs will start getting restless, but I will sit down today and type out what has happened to me this day:



I woke up at 3pm. Usually such odd sleeping-hours means that I have overslept/ have not set or heeded the alarm clock--



and usually I will start my day sour, angry at myself and depressed that I am not “something which can work 18 hour days”. I desire to ‘be-that’ and so I get emotional about having “failed”.



It functions self-perpetuatingly, my relationship with sleep. This is one mind-system I have hardly paid any attention to, but it is a very 'loud’ influence in my life.



I always “put it off”, you know- I never have seriously sat down with myself and 'worked out’ my sleeping.



I mean... I have “tried”... but at the first sign of failure I give up completely and have to go through the whole process again of trial-and-error before I get to a point of such ridiculous emotional pain about it that I say: Okay. Enough. I am going to have to work out some kind of intervention to address this. I am going to have to set my alarm clock on a louder setting ect.



-but this “intervention”, its not really “what it takes” to change myself-- it is not self-forgiveness. It is more like a desperate throw at a chance-shot that I might be able to stabilize myself, with the hope that if I do, then I will feel good about myself/ will feel ‘powerful’/ will feel ‘important’/ will feel like ‘I am somebody who girls will want’.



-but within all of that there is really no consideration for what is actually going on- that is, what events are continuing to happen that lead up to me crashing-out at night and then refusing to wake up in the morning because I don’t want to be depressed that I fell asleep.



--so yes, that is what usually happens but it did not happen today because I had stayed up all the night and morning previous, so I was overdue for sleep/ and I hadn’t slept long so I was not “weak”/ “a failure”, according to this system.



-but... see I am believing that my having stayed up all night last night is a solution to this problem- it is not!



I just feel better about myself because “now I look strong”!



So sleep. I said I was going to write about my day, but I guess I will write about my relationship with sleep. This seems to be important enough anyway.



So... for a long time with Desteni I have wanted to and have felt-like I “should be able to work 18 hour days”.



-but it has never happened... well actually it has happened a few times but not very many.



-well I have to go walk the dogs I guess I am done for now. I don’t want to save this and then come back and edit it... I would rather just start over again the next time. So I am going to post what I have written so far.