Sexual Social Conditioning and Psychological Abuse: Walking in on my father and his girlfriend

So I just walked in on my father and his girlfriend playing fuck games while I am living in his small house with him, after being thrown out of my mother’s house.

I am extremely upset and angry about this.

I am not going to allow myself to fester in this emotional mire, unsupported, unfulfilled just rotting and spoiling inside myself until I go sour about it and then just become self-pitiful, cold and bitter, seeking when possible to manipulate people about this.

Instead I am going to write it out and support myself.

Just my Dad playing with his cock while his girlfriend watched- I was like 10 feet away in the other room, studying (self-pity “oh look at how innocent I am” coming up) and they were acting like this was not happening. I mean, I could hear them, their tones of voice while I was here. I did not want to “face” it in myself. I could have just stood up to this, without having to see the “hard and ugly truth” and simply have spoken myself as I felt “OKAY. OUT”

...but I didn’t. I ‘asked’ them to leave. Without ‘dealing’ with ‘the problem’, and so I was disregarded. That is an indication of my value in this family.

...
Let me re-explain that, now that I read it a second time. It is a very hazy explanation:

I am sitting at the small townhouse’s only desk, studying my political stuff for school- and my father and his girlfriend are together in his room, talking bullshit blah blah crap to each other in these fake tones of voice. They often do this while I am here. The door was open and these sounds were bothering me, especially the ‘softer than normal’ tone of voice.
I wanted to speak out- but I was afraid of “looking bad”, meaning that I allowed a point of self-judgment to influence and direct me. Still, in anger, I resisted (and charged) this point and so ‘spoke out anyway’. --But even there, I notice that my expression was still suppressed by my allowance of fear that existed in response to the self-judgment.-- I said.

“Look. I’m trying to study. Why don’t you guys go hang out at Loli’s (the girlfriend) house or close the door”
(I was aware that I was already 'agitated' by the studying, which I was resisting, and did not trust my discomfort with the situation.)

My father said (in that disturbing ‘softer than normal’ voice) that "they would whisper" or some fucking stupid bullshit like that, probably charging his sex-system with that kind of ‘we could get caught’ kind of fucking bullshit.

(So here. In this situation is where I must express myself fully. I should stand up to all fear and self-limitation and simply speak myself unconditionally. “I am uncomfortable with this situation. I want it to change.”)

A little later I was talking to him/them about some political thing or whatever (...it is pretty obvious now that I spoke to him only from the motivation that I was angry that he was disregarding me. That I still allow myself to be valued, driven and enslaved by the value I attach to where I am placed in my father's world.) and in the middle of this "conversation", I got up and walked into my father's room to get some antiseptic for a pimple I have picked that is on my nose. While walking into the bathroom I saw that my father was only wearing his underwear, and rubbing his dick to stimulate himself and his girlfriend who was watching. I pretended not to notice, glitching, and quickly walked out of the room. My father also continued to pretend like nothing had happened. its like he’s molesting himself and me. at points durring this, I wanted to cry for him and me.

a few minutes afterwards, I became very angry. I decided not to continue pretending like I had seen nothing and went into the garage and I called my sister and asked her to come here, to my father’s house, just to make the statement that “yes. We are the ‘children’ in this family-unit and we require our ‘place’ to be considered and honored within the context of our social-value.”  -I did not have the words at the moment to express that this is what I wanted.

My sister was not at all interested in supporting me anyway. She just "wanted to hear the story". Which, at the time, I was still reacting to, and did not want to face the point of "watching my father molest himself and me". I was resisting explaining to her specifics, and although still acting out my male ego through the statement of "being disrespected", my voice broke and I almost began to cry. - my sister disregarded me and only became angry that I would not satisfy her curriosity about 'the specific story. I told her that my dad was masturbating, and that this should be enough information for her.

(later she called back and pushed the point again, wanting the 'whole story' justifying herself by saying: "well if you just saw them sitting on the bed together then you are just over-reacting and I need to know what is going on. It sounds like you are just over-reacting because you won't talk about what you saw." She does not want to face that in herself either.)

tshhhhzjesus fucking christ. What a mess.

but I mean... its just masturbation.

so my sister would not come. But she was still influenced by the sexual abuse (that is some DEEP shit in everyone, apparently) that exists in her, and so acted in "charity"- she later called my mother and told her to come and pick me up in her car and take me to her house. To hide and farther suppress the sex-point.
(My mom. The woman who intentionally sent me to my dad's house.)

My father tried to spy on me while I was talking to my sister. I was in the garage facing a car and I saw his reflection in the window as he stood behind me. "Subtly" poking his head in the door to see what I was seeing. I felt bad, I always feel bad seeing my father "alone" like this... yet, at the same time I spoke louder so that he could hear how I felt about this. I think I used the word "inappropriate" even, to justify why I wasn't going to talk with her about exactly what I saw. I was really possessed. I was just rambling and raving to my sister, not noticing how I was not directly dealing with her concerns. Only concerned with "my" problems. (that is a trait that is heavily existant in my father.)

(Here is what I was avoiding to explain to her:

“I walked into the open door to get antiseptic cream for a pimple on my nose and my dad was in his underwear showing his penis to his girlfriend. He tried to hide himself when I saw this and I pretended like I didn’t.”)


In the garage I lost connection with my sister on the cell-phone. I left the garage, wanting to cry, but suppressing this. I eneded up just "saying loudly": "Fuck!".  I was relieved that there was this 'outlet' so that I would not have to break down helpless and start crying in front of my father.

At this point the girlfriend had left.

Then, about 10 minutes later, my sister had called my dad and told him that my mother was coming to 'get me' in her car. I overheard and resisted. Saying "NOO!" -I called my mom.

Mom taled with me me on the phone ‘in a nice and sweet voice’. I told her not to come. I mean... I 'wanted' her pity and attention- but it is just such a toxic fucking drug that I wasn't even willing to touch it. (Its "heartbreaking". Mother will probably just have "hurt feelings" because she has destroyed her family and now lives alone, avoiding her parents and being manipulated and disregarded by the daughter she wants to use to feel like she is not alone.) I just told her no. No I don't want your pity, but thank you very much and goodbye.

So all I have done by calling my sister is end up pushing my father farther away from me because now he will feel like I will sell him out to 'the women' if he fucks up... this is just me wanting to be included and accepted. Dont trust those previous words. Its just me 'wanting to be one of the guys'. Really fucked up and sick shit.

...

There were points where I was on the phone with my sister talking about this, just "completely stuck". There was "nowhere for me to go". "Nothing for me to say". "I wanted to just 'leave' / stop talking with her." Me completely "stuck" in my ego.

Re-Designing myself as self-will and self-trust, to stop self-limitation

Here in every moment it is my responsibility to express me honestly, and from my experience, honestly assess what is going on in me and then direct things accordingly. Unconditionally without exception.

In my life I have faced a point many, many times, where I will be required to really push myself to 'go somewhere' and 'become and live' something that I really, really do not want to go through. It seems as if every fiber of my being is being rubbed the wrong way, and so there must, must be something 'inherrently wrong' with this application. Like, for example I will list what comes to me right now: entertainment eating, walking my dogs, making certain my alarm clock is set so that I will sleep 4 hours, not engaging my father in a point of competition for inferiority/superiority, and then also 'applying myself as stability and consistency' in my online presence.

I will list these points again to flag them for myself so that in my daily experience of me, I can use my memory to support me and give myself the authority to use these symbols of my enslavement to symbolically prove to me that, no matter what, I will stand for myself as self-responsibility and the self-directive principle of my self-expression.

Entertainment Eating

Walking My Dogs

Sleeping 4 Hours

Not engaging with my father

Working for the Equality movement online

So at the begininng of my writing this, I was "completely stumped" and was watching that, if I were to start writing, I knew that I would just go off into a 'falling into' dispair and self-pity about how much of a failure I am.

and obviously there is no need to feed that. There is no need to go into that, and obviously going into that is not actually me stopping and dealing with this problem. This problem that I am not consistent in my applicaiton of myself in my world, and so I experience a mis-understanding of who I am and why I do the things I do. This is probably very much a part of how I decieve myself into continuing to try and hide from myself in comfort and pleasure, this deliberate "constantly changing the rules", so that I don't ever have to REALLY stand stable and face the unrelenting, undiluted, raw complete-ness of the forces I have apparently allowed to control and influence me, to enslave and direct me in my life.

"It seems as if every fiber of my being is being rubbed the wrong way, and so there must, must be something 'inherrently wrong' with this application."

yea also in this is the point of "oh how can it be so bad when it is such a 'little' thing"?

yea. The 'badness' is that I am still existing as the mind and still allowing myself to participate in the mind's symbols. As much as I don't want to stop the mind: THAT is what I am going to be facing when I give myself the opportunity to use these symbols (like entertainment eating) to stop. I am going to see, to live exactly how much I don't want to stop. It makes perfect sense, its like a mirror. So I know, that when I am facing this MASSIVE, overwhelming resistance, that I have effectively organized my life into a place where I have the power to really cut some fucking wires.

It seems I have needed to go through this process of organizing things like that, that I have not been able to simply apply myself effectively in the moment... but what does this difference matter in the end, anyway? Comparing the idea of two minds to 'see which one is better'... come on. Thats just fucking absurd.

So now, I know what I have to do. I have to fucking live this shit. With no exceptions. For no other reason than the singular purpose that I will myself to stop this madness in all ways and in every opportunity.

okay time to start dealing with this shit. Self-Forgiveness on BREAD

Self Forgiveness on BREAD




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear bread



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define bread as ‘unhealthy’



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that emotions determine the functionality of my body



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be Enslaved and directed by the mind.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved and directed by thoughts.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved and directed by hope, faith and trust in thoughts.



Thought is a distraction, a completely useless distraction that inhibits me from taking responsibility for myself.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself as inferiority, self-judgment, giving-up and hopelessness by creating and emotionally investing in ‘healthy’



nobody likes loosing their investments



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be Enslaved and controlled by ‘desire for healthy’



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself into justifying healthy



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself with self-pity



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself top participate in healthy to hide from my fear of ‘death of my ego’



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear existing without my ego



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define healthy as ‘responsible’ and ‘superior’



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me as: ‘miserable’, ‘worthless’, ‘pathetic’, ‘disgusting’, ‘unacceptable’ for not being healthy and for eating unhealthy things.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear unhealthy things because I fear being judged



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed with these values that I have attached to unhealthy foods

So, its becoming pretty clear how I designed and developed this eating disorder of mine- i did not not intend for the self-forgiveness to come to these points. I will do self-forgiveness on eating sugars and treats as how the system ‘inverses’ on itself when ‘healthy’ is no longer ‘charged’.



okay:



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define treats as bad



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from me as bad



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by thoughts



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for eating treat-food



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing depression because of my self-judgment



this is interesting, because what I just got up and ate pizza (bread) that my father has left out- knowing that I do not need more food. In the middle of self-forgiveness on eating disorders, I ‘fade’ into my mind and allow the eating disorder. How much more obvious do I need it...



alright. So, that’s very helpful. There was a point where I intended to not type what I had done- and now that it is out it is extremely helpful to see that my self-judgment is not even ‘in appropriate context’ with what needs to be done to solve this.



Dear god... suppression has fucked me.



Okay.



So now that I have this point fresh I can walk through it again and see what is going on:



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me as being worthless, a looser. -because I eat food to entertain myself.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my father’s binge eating habits.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for eating like I have judged my father for eating



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist completely enslaved and possessed by ‘superiority and inferiority’



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become programmed to value and only consider my reality from within the box of inferiority vs. superiority



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my father for what I have done to myself after having learned it from him



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny who I am as inferiority.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and try to ignore and hide from who I am as inferiority, because through using the ego I see that I can exist in this illusion that appears like ‘i have the choice to be something better’



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from this world in choice and individuality



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define choice as freedom. Choice is not freedom, choice is not freedom, choice is the dedication to my willingness to maintain my ability to control a shared reality to suit my interests no matter what the cost.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand definitely in this world because I do not want to take responsibility for the apparently ‘unthinkably monolithic’ amount of ‘problems’ that I would have to face in that decision.



eating can be sorted out with two simple rules:



1. Eat when I am hungry

2. Stop eating when I am full

thrown out of my mothers house

I got home from school today to find almost every single one of my (previously) neatly organized things in a much-less organized pile outside of the home, with all the doorknobs and locks changed. Mom threw me out to go and live with her ex-husband. I was so dependant on that stuff being organized- I had so much trust in that arrangement of things... alot of time and energy went into setting all of that up to support me in becoming effective and self-directive in the world. I trusted and relyed on it so much. 
So now I am living again with my father.

I really did not want to go back and live with my father. I probably sobbed for 45 straight minutes. At one point before the crying, I snapped and knocked a bunch of shit over, thought about stabbing myself with a screwdriver but directed the energy towards the wall - then I fell to my knees and yelled at my father, asking him how I was ever going to be able to sort out my life. I told my dad that I did not want to live with him and that he was pathetic and treated himself horribly. He yelled at me back. I curled into a ball and commensed protracted periods of gut-wrenching sobs.
Now, I have to be patient. I am going to have to wait at least a couple days before I can get all my things organized again. Before this happens I'm going to have to apologize for calling my mother a cunt, and tell her that I was wrong, for absolutely no profit to myself in any way whatsoever. Just like Jake Green in the movie Revolver.

Consistency and Dedication to Self

So about 30 minutes ago I jumped up from the computer and ran into my mother's room.

This is a point I have delt with many, many times.

Hope for Love- because I don't want to experience myself here.

I run into my mother's room. Knowing she is going to react and judge me to be an 'unworthy male', I still seek to have her accept me as 'childish' so that I can be given permission to stop experiencing myself as inferior and meek. - that's why I got up in the first place- to avoid a point that came up while working on the computer, where I found myself to be 'negative'- in the sense that 'I am unworthy of my life'

So I give in to this deep, subtle reaction of inferiority, in the very instant that I experience this 'feeling of unworthyness', I am already out of the chair and going to my mother. In a split-second moment, I am suddenly living out the pattern of 'seeking to suppress and avoid' this void of 'unworthyness'

As I move towards my mother, I am existing in hope for an experience where another will 'give me a relationship in which I am not required to 'be a male'. and in this statement I place myself completely in her power, I make myself completely dependant on her in order to even be able to support myself.

and I already know that the chances are extremely slim that she will be able to accept me unconditionally without reacting. She will likely react to my 'odd', 'childish', 'mommy stop ignoring me and help me' personality that I will be living out. She will say to me "you are not manly enough, you are unworthy of being my son. I deserve better." (If only I was lucky that she would actually come out and speak these things- but, unfortunately I am not given this 'rawness' to support myself in seeing the raw nature of reality, as my mother does not want to see who she in in relation to me. She will hide these judgments behind different forms of blame- supporting me to farther compound and suppress and create me as something that will 'be unable to deal with' this experience of  "unworthyness"

Therfore this that I am describing is a form of energetic self-abuse. I am willing to put myself through these experiences, to continue feeding the illusion that these thoughts and feelings of hope are actually valid.

...

So- I just got up and went into my mother's room and flaty told her: "You've never really been there for me. You have only pretended to. Sending me to a shrink, sending me to some random guy so that he can fix me- is not you standing up for me. You never stood up to my father when I was a child and now that I am an adult you never help me stand up for my father. You've only pretended to want to help me to salvage your self-image."

(A point that has come up between us before: my mother will blame me for her misgivings about this family, claiming that she spent lots of money on me, by sending me to several therapists (3 psychologists and a psychiatrist), so this large ammount of money proves that she is not at fault for 'the negative parts' of this family and therfore it must be my fault. -I have before 'faltered' at this argument of hers, believing that there is probably 'out there' some kind of "truth" in this argument, and that, yes, this is reality, and this is 'who I am', in some kind of deep, dark corner of the universe: that I must be 'the reason why' my family has gone to pot.)

This was not said while the two of us were in a conflict of energy, so I think the message really hit home... meaning that I just instilled alot of guilt and shame in her. I want to now go back and try to allieviate this experience in my mother, but, this guilt and shame actually supports her. Going back into her room, to take responsibility for her, so that she can 'feel okay', this is not supportive. If she wanted to stop guilt and shame, she would come to me to talk.

I notice that in my writing there is still blame towards my mother.

Usually, when I go to her to be given permission to escape myself as 'unworthyness', and she instead tells me that 'I am unworthy'...

I go into absolute rage. I have been angry enough to consider extreme violence and destruction- I have considered destroying my entire life, literally tearing down this entire house. Really interesting crap. Will I have to 'destroy absolutely everything' before I realize that I cannot escape myself?

So. Here are the facts:

1. I am dependant on things that are instable
2. I am blaming these instable things for my own instability
3. I am not noticing that I am the creator, that I am responsible for my reality
4. I am not taking responsibility for me, therfore, accepting and allowing blame towards my mother is just self-abuse

I forgive myself for accepting self-abuse by allowing myself to follow thoughts and energy of anger and blame- projected towards my mother as if she was the creator of my experience. I am creating, accepting and allowing this illusion and self-limitation to exist, because it is required to 'seem this way' in order to validate the illusion that my personality is actually 'functional' in 'reality'. I am blaming my mother to justify not wanting to give up my personality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear existing without my personality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I require my personality to exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be special

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect my responsibility to support and direct myself for the consideration about how I can manipulate circumstances to make myself feel special

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my value in the world by energy as thoughts, emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and value myself  'by how valuable I am to others as a symbol of their emotional addictions'

I forgive myself for accepting myself to neglect and reject and deny reality, deny myself, by allowing me to 'float away' into the mind, into this ethereal world of thoughts as symbols of emotions.

I am addicted to emotions. I do not know how to exist without emotions. It is time to realize that this addiction will end sooner or later, there is no way out, there is no escape, there is no way to hide from the fact that this emotional addiction is not real, is not valid, is not stable-

therfore, it is my responsibility to (if I have the slightest consideration for myself, if I care about myself one little bit...), begin a process of self-direction so that these 'contextually-based' emotions, can be placed into a 'new-context' where a kind of 'stability' is possible- and this makes everything much, much easier, because there is 'no more room' for 'self-doubt' to creep into the scinario, because everything has been made 'more definate'. More straightforward, everything is more consistent.

All in all, this process is self-direction, self-responsibility, self-dedication, self-accountability. What else in this world is worth living for?