(I really fucked up with that last one. Shit fire jesus christ)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to sexuality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thought possession- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am actually afraid of being judged by others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge sexuality and sex addiction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed with female body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a mind-molester of female body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as superior about this that exists in me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as superior to sexual addiction because I was given attention for making a video about stopping sexual addiction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from sexual addiction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress sexual addiction in me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts to control me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself with thought
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify acting on thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to condition myself to believe thoughts are me
---
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear desteni and people associated with Desteni
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself and hide from this fear by distracting myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me as inferior to Desteni
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Talking to myself
fucking hell
fuck
I know nothing else.
This is why I haven’t faced myself.
Breathing is the ultimate proof.
I haven’t faced myself because I gave up on me a long time ago and I am still living out the patterns.
I am so fucking programmed.
How did it get so fucking bad... to the point where this is all I believe?
even when, and it must be, frequently, disproved- how is it that this is all I believe and all that I notice?
All that I notice... is... that I am not good enough. That I am somehow wrong, sickened, weak. How can this be the only thing that exists?
Tonight I told my father about how an administrator in the school thought that I was “a danger to myself and others”
I had to agree. I have been a danger to myself and a danger to others. That is my mind.
but I wanted someone to support me within that, I wanted to have someone accept me for this.
I did not want to be alone.
I brought it up to my father, asking him to ‘agree with me’ that ‘i am not this way’ and ‘accept me’
he would not. He told me that I was stupid. Thats how he feels about himself and he doesn’t see.
I yelled at him. I told him I was stupid. I told him I was stupid for even trying to bring him into this. I yelled at him and this has effect, this actually moves him now, I told him to stay the fuck out.
I feel- I am still feeling this, I am actually feeding it as I write and run the memories through my head, charging these points, it is unspeakable self-loathing. I want to blame my father. At least that way I can have someone to attack, some gain to be possible in this situation so that to ‘only option’ does not become me tearing the fuck out of my skin.
If that happened, I would have to go through the experience of “losing everything”
wait. If I said that I am feeding these points as I write, -woah. Slouching quite a bit there- why did I not stop? Well- now I’m “talking to other people”
nope.
Not this time. No one here but me.
I am so sad. I am sad that it has to be like this, that I have to deal with this
self-pity.
self-pity.
What is this?
Should I even ask?
What is the point?
What do I need to move?
Ahhhh. There it is.
Am I breathing?
no.
why not?
I am thinking. I am thinking about why I am such a worthless piece of good-for nothing useless shit.
So stop that. Obviously.
jesus fucking christ.
I never want to see another human being ever again.
Why?
Because then they will see how I have changed. The ‘difference’ would reveal my shame and they would burn and hate me?
Nope. Not really.
Wait- no
No. I write to me so that I can see what is going on in my mind. I am not looking for a group to fucking be involved with. Fuck that. Fuck all of that I’m so fucking sick of that shit.
Dad is coming out of his room.
I am not going to talk to him.
Wait I just did. I delay.
I am not going to talk to him in there. I am going to wait and make sure that I am only doing this shit so that I can remain functional in the system as a point of self-direction that is grounded in myself as self-direction but is not influenced by ‘that shit’.
Breathe.
Fuck,
mother fucking piece of shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck hell fucking hell crap shit ass fuck.
FUCK
breathe.
I don’t know what to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
Lots of points flare up
(I want to be special. I want to impress them. I want and can become greater than all of them.)
in that forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush self-forgiveness so that I can achieve a state
breathe
of mind where I am charged and feeling good about myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist, deny, avoid and hide from inferiority, the lived experience of inferiority.
If I am unwilling-
not that. That last one was a point of trying to sound like Bernard.
arrogant fuck
okay.
breathe.
breathe,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself in the application of self-forgiveness because I am seeking energy, I am seeking a state of being to avoid and forget how I feel about myself.
This is the same point as what is fucking me up with my studying and destroying my ability to remain stable within ‘studying’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
Im not going anywhere.
“god kill me now”
breathe.
I don’t know what to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction.
breathe
1234
1234
1234
1234
1234
12
breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sepparate me from me ehere
point came ip-
“I want to kill all of them”
lol
all of who?
Desteni?
lol
I dare you.
fuckingd
enough of that.
lol
breathe,
lol
breathe
1234
123
41234
1234
1234
1234
1234
1234
1234
Dad just stood behind me,
I am afraid he saw me writing
Will he betray me like the rest of them?
What am I afraid of losing?
M
Y
F A M I L Y
?
I dont think so
breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being attacked by my fathers systems
1234
1234 breathe
I always forget to breathe wehen typing tht
1234
h234
e23 breathe
I did it again
in234
ou234
w123
e
damn.
okay enough of that
inhale
hold
exhale
hold
inhale
damn lol I forgiv- whoops,
lol
forgot.
out234
again
in
“i forgot again”
out
lol
in
SO this is what i must do it seems.
Like the best life coach that can exist.
I must exist in constant movement, so that I never sit stagant and forget myself and fall prey to the systems...
I would never have been able to fo this without desteni....
in
why is that>
out
in
hold
out
hold
in
I dont like the four count
out
I dont like holding my breath in for four seconds
out
234
In
youtube must stop
out
Why?
in
it is a mess.
wait
I am separated
stop
IN hold
out hold
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and breathing
so that is self-honesty
I will make use of that term god damn it to hell
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me into two parts that talk to each other
that happens
in
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self-judgment for separating myself into two parts because I believe there there is no way that “I” can handle all parts on my own.
fuck
I wnat to make a youtube video-
“I want to make a youtube video where I show this off to... J-something-Jesus. He was really cool. So smooth and admirable
In
Hold
Out
hold
damn..
wheres muy fuckingfireworks
out
lol
...
in
sitting up
okay.
I have to deal with this point.
Breathe...
breathe.
out
hold
in
hold
out
hold
self-judgment thought: “what will I look like to others?”
no more than that. It is mind. Stop and breathe.
I miss the point when I move in to investigate and “find out what is wrong with me”
obviously
in - hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
out
hold
In
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as the point of inferiority
in
hold
out
I want to give up oin this.
It is taking to long.
out
hold
No.
nonono
In,,,,
hols
out
hold.
I want to eat.
in
hold
out
hold
I want others to think I am great
hold
out
breathe,
hold
In
hole
out
hld
rub nose.
oout
hold
right nare left index on upward rub
two points of painfulness-
septum tingles left thumb and index pinch-rub
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to violate and judge my body
“violate”
good bad
food evil
IN
hold
out
hold
lol
oh shit
:food” evil
was sipposed to be
“good” evil
In
slouching a little
in
hold
out
hold
in
eyes getting fidgety
out
so what am I foing to do?
I want to experience pain.
Should I put my head under the water>
in
lol
hold
out
breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
hold
out
hold
In
hold
out
hold
I want to do this shit fucking perfect
out
hold
In
hold
out
respond to the dog, now.
In
I need no food right now
respond t o the fosg, now
In
...
okay.
Fuck
my back hurts
fuck
fuck
in
fuck
out
lol
Im drinking tea/
in
out
okay
in
okay
wait
out
this is turning shitty
shit-stained
(want to be special)
fuck
in
hold
out
hold
my back hurts. back middle lower left
out
in
what
out
to do.
In
hold
out
hold
in
hold
out
hod
in
hold
out
hold
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from judgment
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from applying self-trust
out
self trust is a tool, not a toy
in
I justify it because I first want to “prove” myself
out
resisting, charging and avoiding inferiority
hold
in
hold
out
hold
in
hold
out
I MUST stop all inferiority points
thoughts of comparison
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give head to points of inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing inferiority to control me
in
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as my thoughts of inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts of comparing my value to others
If I wasn’t such a fucking sweetie I would be jealous as shit of everyone
In
lol
out
something wrong with that
in
out
hold
in
slowing down breathing
right ear is ringing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself by attention
out
I forgive mys-
okay this point is not active...
not active?
I activate it.
I forgive myself for accepting...
I dont want ti
uts so boring
Im just lookin g for something to do
in
where am I?
fuck
fucker
FUCK!
in
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and breathing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
in
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in hope for a better experience
In
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and escape from me, here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize* me for ‘having to experience it this way’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself TO FEED THE VICTIM
holy fuck
thats pretty.... ugly
in
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and abuse myself with self-pity and self-victimization by deliberately abusing myself so that I can enter into a state where I will justify continuing!
WHAT THE FUCK
In
hold
out
hold
getting fidgety in myself. I will stand through all of it and get myself out of this.
I am giving myself no other option
“but I want to hide!”
this is the design of the mind, it seems/
to avoid realizing itself
inhale
hold
exhale
hold
my back really hurts
sitting up a little straighter.
Maya said to hold up my neck.
Okay. That is better.
In
I forgive myself - nahhhh
it doesn’t feel legitimate.
Okay, I have lots of schcoolwork to do.
Lets do it well.
Fuck.
No.
Im not going to do that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as absolute self-responsibility and self-direction in my breathing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing inferiority to exist in me
center chest pain
out
hold
inhale
ssneeze
inhale
hold
exhale
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need “a cocky” personality design to get me through this
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from what must be done, here in every moment as self-direction as breathing as I birth me as life itself as the living experience
...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self pity because of what I experience and what I do to myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to pity because I define it as love
EW!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want older women and to pursue situations where older women love me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need my mother’s energy to function
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself inhale
to become addicted to my mother’s attention
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself for the sake of this energy
Its a drug, DANA!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysself to define me as bad/wrong if I exist without my mother’s energy
energy cycles of addiction. Highs and Downs.
Inhale
exhale
“I just can’t handle every point that comes up”
Inhale
no, I can’t.
Thats why I’m here
exhale.
Split personality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘the object that’s worth is to be assessed’
Inhale
“I’m never going to get out of this”
Like FUCK I’m not
like fuck I’m not
inhale
exhale
more of dad’s ‘I hate myself I am disgusting’ yawning
tsh
he believes he is comfortable
... like jubba the hut.
lol
ihale
exhale
like the father in “dantes inferno”
interesting
inhale
exhale
I fogive myself for accepting and
legs tired- move them
allowing myself to fall into the fucking useless entertainment mindfuck about information
exhale
inhale
hold
fuck
exhale
okay.
I have work to do.
I am going to go and sit in my room for 15 minutes and just breathe.
I WANT TO BE ALONE
I want stability
I want to be able to use these time-breaks to stabilize myself in between periods of movement
inhale
OUT
fuck
I know nothing else.
This is why I haven’t faced myself.
Breathing is the ultimate proof.
I haven’t faced myself because I gave up on me a long time ago and I am still living out the patterns.
I am so fucking programmed.
How did it get so fucking bad... to the point where this is all I believe?
even when, and it must be, frequently, disproved- how is it that this is all I believe and all that I notice?
All that I notice... is... that I am not good enough. That I am somehow wrong, sickened, weak. How can this be the only thing that exists?
Tonight I told my father about how an administrator in the school thought that I was “a danger to myself and others”
I had to agree. I have been a danger to myself and a danger to others. That is my mind.
but I wanted someone to support me within that, I wanted to have someone accept me for this.
I did not want to be alone.
I brought it up to my father, asking him to ‘agree with me’ that ‘i am not this way’ and ‘accept me’
he would not. He told me that I was stupid. Thats how he feels about himself and he doesn’t see.
I yelled at him. I told him I was stupid. I told him I was stupid for even trying to bring him into this. I yelled at him and this has effect, this actually moves him now, I told him to stay the fuck out.
I feel- I am still feeling this, I am actually feeding it as I write and run the memories through my head, charging these points, it is unspeakable self-loathing. I want to blame my father. At least that way I can have someone to attack, some gain to be possible in this situation so that to ‘only option’ does not become me tearing the fuck out of my skin.
If that happened, I would have to go through the experience of “losing everything”
wait. If I said that I am feeding these points as I write, -woah. Slouching quite a bit there- why did I not stop? Well- now I’m “talking to other people”
nope.
Not this time. No one here but me.
I am so sad. I am sad that it has to be like this, that I have to deal with this
self-pity.
self-pity.
What is this?
Should I even ask?
What is the point?
What do I need to move?
Ahhhh. There it is.
Am I breathing?
no.
why not?
I am thinking. I am thinking about why I am such a worthless piece of good-for nothing useless shit.
So stop that. Obviously.
jesus fucking christ.
I never want to see another human being ever again.
Why?
Because then they will see how I have changed. The ‘difference’ would reveal my shame and they would burn and hate me?
Nope. Not really.
Wait- no
No. I write to me so that I can see what is going on in my mind. I am not looking for a group to fucking be involved with. Fuck that. Fuck all of that I’m so fucking sick of that shit.
Dad is coming out of his room.
I am not going to talk to him.
Wait I just did. I delay.
I am not going to talk to him in there. I am going to wait and make sure that I am only doing this shit so that I can remain functional in the system as a point of self-direction that is grounded in myself as self-direction but is not influenced by ‘that shit’.
Breathe.
Fuck,
mother fucking piece of shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck hell fucking hell crap shit ass fuck.
FUCK
breathe.
I don’t know what to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
Lots of points flare up
(I want to be special. I want to impress them. I want and can become greater than all of them.)
in that forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush self-forgiveness so that I can achieve a state
breathe
of mind where I am charged and feeling good about myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist, deny, avoid and hide from inferiority, the lived experience of inferiority.
If I am unwilling-
not that. That last one was a point of trying to sound like Bernard.
arrogant fuck
okay.
breathe.
breathe,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself in the application of self-forgiveness because I am seeking energy, I am seeking a state of being to avoid and forget how I feel about myself.
This is the same point as what is fucking me up with my studying and destroying my ability to remain stable within ‘studying’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
Im not going anywhere.
“god kill me now”
breathe.
I don’t know what to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction.
breathe
1234
1234
1234
1234
1234
12
breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sepparate me from me ehere
point came ip-
“I want to kill all of them”
lol
all of who?
Desteni?
lol
I dare you.
fuckingd
enough of that.
lol
breathe,
lol
breathe
1234
123
41234
1234
1234
1234
1234
1234
1234
Dad just stood behind me,
I am afraid he saw me writing
Will he betray me like the rest of them?
What am I afraid of losing?
M
Y
F A M I L Y
?
I dont think so
breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being attacked by my fathers systems
1234
1234 breathe
I always forget to breathe wehen typing tht
1234
h234
e23 breathe
I did it again
in234
ou234
w123
e
damn.
okay enough of that
inhale
hold
exhale
hold
inhale
damn lol I forgiv- whoops,
lol
forgot.
out234
again
in
“i forgot again”
out
lol
in
SO this is what i must do it seems.
Like the best life coach that can exist.
I must exist in constant movement, so that I never sit stagant and forget myself and fall prey to the systems...
I would never have been able to fo this without desteni....
in
why is that>
out
in
hold
out
hold
in
I dont like the four count
out
I dont like holding my breath in for four seconds
out
234
In
youtube must stop
out
Why?
in
it is a mess.
wait
I am separated
stop
IN hold
out hold
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and breathing
so that is self-honesty
I will make use of that term god damn it to hell
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me into two parts that talk to each other
that happens
in
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self-judgment for separating myself into two parts because I believe there there is no way that “I” can handle all parts on my own.
fuck
I wnat to make a youtube video-
“I want to make a youtube video where I show this off to... J-something-Jesus. He was really cool. So smooth and admirable
In
Hold
Out
hold
damn..
wheres muy fuckingfireworks
out
lol
...
in
sitting up
okay.
I have to deal with this point.
Breathe...
breathe.
out
hold
in
hold
out
hold
self-judgment thought: “what will I look like to others?”
no more than that. It is mind. Stop and breathe.
I miss the point when I move in to investigate and “find out what is wrong with me”
obviously
in - hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
out
hold
In
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as the point of inferiority
in
hold
out
I want to give up oin this.
It is taking to long.
out
hold
No.
nonono
In,,,,
hols
out
hold.
I want to eat.
in
hold
out
hold
I want others to think I am great
hold
out
breathe,
hold
In
hole
out
hld
rub nose.
oout
hold
right nare left index on upward rub
two points of painfulness-
septum tingles left thumb and index pinch-rub
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to violate and judge my body
“violate”
good bad
food evil
IN
hold
out
hold
lol
oh shit
:food” evil
was sipposed to be
“good” evil
In
slouching a little
in
hold
out
hold
in
eyes getting fidgety
out
so what am I foing to do?
I want to experience pain.
Should I put my head under the water>
in
lol
hold
out
breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
hold
out
hold
In
hold
out
hold
I want to do this shit fucking perfect
out
hold
In
hold
out
respond to the dog, now.
In
I need no food right now
respond t o the fosg, now
In
...
okay.
Fuck
my back hurts
fuck
fuck
in
fuck
out
lol
Im drinking tea/
in
out
okay
in
okay
wait
out
this is turning shitty
shit-stained
(want to be special)
fuck
in
hold
out
hold
my back hurts. back middle lower left
out
in
what
out
to do.
In
hold
out
hold
in
hold
out
hod
in
hold
out
hold
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from judgment
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from applying self-trust
out
self trust is a tool, not a toy
in
I justify it because I first want to “prove” myself
out
resisting, charging and avoiding inferiority
hold
in
hold
out
hold
in
hold
out
I MUST stop all inferiority points
thoughts of comparison
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give head to points of inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing inferiority to control me
in
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as my thoughts of inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts of comparing my value to others
If I wasn’t such a fucking sweetie I would be jealous as shit of everyone
In
lol
out
something wrong with that
in
out
hold
in
slowing down breathing
right ear is ringing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself by attention
out
I forgive mys-
okay this point is not active...
not active?
I activate it.
I forgive myself for accepting...
I dont want ti
uts so boring
Im just lookin g for something to do
in
where am I?
fuck
fucker
FUCK!
in
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and breathing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
in
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in hope for a better experience
In
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and escape from me, here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize* me for ‘having to experience it this way’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself TO FEED THE VICTIM
holy fuck
thats pretty.... ugly
in
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and abuse myself with self-pity and self-victimization by deliberately abusing myself so that I can enter into a state where I will justify continuing!
WHAT THE FUCK
In
hold
out
hold
getting fidgety in myself. I will stand through all of it and get myself out of this.
I am giving myself no other option
“but I want to hide!”
this is the design of the mind, it seems/
to avoid realizing itself
inhale
hold
exhale
hold
my back really hurts
sitting up a little straighter.
Maya said to hold up my neck.
Okay. That is better.
In
I forgive myself - nahhhh
it doesn’t feel legitimate.
Okay, I have lots of schcoolwork to do.
Lets do it well.
Fuck.
No.
Im not going to do that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as absolute self-responsibility and self-direction in my breathing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing inferiority to exist in me
center chest pain
out
hold
inhale
ssneeze
inhale
hold
exhale
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need “a cocky” personality design to get me through this
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from what must be done, here in every moment as self-direction as breathing as I birth me as life itself as the living experience
...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self pity because of what I experience and what I do to myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to pity because I define it as love
EW!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want older women and to pursue situations where older women love me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need my mother’s energy to function
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself inhale
to become addicted to my mother’s attention
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself for the sake of this energy
Its a drug, DANA!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysself to define me as bad/wrong if I exist without my mother’s energy
energy cycles of addiction. Highs and Downs.
Inhale
exhale
“I just can’t handle every point that comes up”
Inhale
no, I can’t.
Thats why I’m here
exhale.
Split personality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘the object that’s worth is to be assessed’
Inhale
“I’m never going to get out of this”
Like FUCK I’m not
like fuck I’m not
inhale
exhale
more of dad’s ‘I hate myself I am disgusting’ yawning
tsh
he believes he is comfortable
... like jubba the hut.
lol
ihale
exhale
like the father in “dantes inferno”
interesting
inhale
exhale
I fogive myself for accepting and
legs tired- move them
allowing myself to fall into the fucking useless entertainment mindfuck about information
exhale
inhale
hold
fuck
exhale
okay.
I have work to do.
I am going to go and sit in my room for 15 minutes and just breathe.
I WANT TO BE ALONE
I want stability
I want to be able to use these time-breaks to stabilize myself in between periods of movement
inhale
OUT
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
October 26. 2010
Okay so I got myself home from school about 3 hours ago. I ate too much bread then watched too much Max Keiser. I have work to do.
I have been neglecting my schoolwork.
I must stay up-to-scratch on my schoolwork.
So, I will type here and investiagte this problem which is interfering with my life for at least recently and probably much father back.
The problem seems to me at this point to be a form of 'depression'.
a "lacking"
this is like "critical shit"
that comes up in these moments where: "I know exactly what I have to do"
WAKE UP
I see the mind system functioning, I have set up my life where I am in a context where I can face head-on the compounded shit that has built up and
obviously
controlled my life without my awareness or participation- but when I SEE what I am facing, just 'what exactly is going on' (-meaning: Let us say I know I must read 30 pages of dense stuff tongiht. I "know exactly" what it is going to be like but then start to go off into the mind and resist. What do I do in this mind-system when I resist? What are the wants? What am I seeking? What are the specific thoughts?
I think "awww maaannn... that is so shitty. I don't want to do that."
but then... the question becomes "well what else is there for me to do?"
Drugs?
Sex?
No.
No.
These things are not on the menu tonight.
So
what else is there for me to do...
"I want... something..."
and then I slouch my back like a shrimp and place all the weight of my head into my hand and start fucking around doing.... oh my god. I would not be suprised to find out at the end of the show that in the course of this life of mine, that I have spent at least a good, solid year worth of time just, literally "fucking around".
"Doing nothing" - fucking sitting there doing such meaningless, trivial bullshit that it has no place in my memory even.
I would not be suprised to find that out.
So. After I finish this I am going to read. I have to go to school. I have to integrate myself as self-stability in this system. That means school. School is here for process. I must become stable in school. That means reading this book and actually doing it moment by moment, instead of meerly suppressing myself by doing this and 'placing some kind of value' in it so that I can believe that there is 'some kind of higher reason' to justify why I am doing this even though it makes no sense- in effect: 'conditioning myself to become a cubicle-zombie.
So just.... stop fucking around and start integrating all forms of my life into process.
I have been neglecting my schoolwork.
I must stay up-to-scratch on my schoolwork.
So, I will type here and investiagte this problem which is interfering with my life for at least recently and probably much father back.
The problem seems to me at this point to be a form of 'depression'.
a "lacking"
this is like "critical shit"
that comes up in these moments where: "I know exactly what I have to do"
WAKE UP
I see the mind system functioning, I have set up my life where I am in a context where I can face head-on the compounded shit that has built up and
obviously
controlled my life without my awareness or participation- but when I SEE what I am facing, just 'what exactly is going on' (-meaning: Let us say I know I must read 30 pages of dense stuff tongiht. I "know exactly" what it is going to be like but then start to go off into the mind and resist. What do I do in this mind-system when I resist? What are the wants? What am I seeking? What are the specific thoughts?
I think "awww maaannn... that is so shitty. I don't want to do that."
but then... the question becomes "well what else is there for me to do?"
Drugs?
Sex?
No.
No.
These things are not on the menu tonight.
So
what else is there for me to do...
"I want... something..."
and then I slouch my back like a shrimp and place all the weight of my head into my hand and start fucking around doing.... oh my god. I would not be suprised to find out at the end of the show that in the course of this life of mine, that I have spent at least a good, solid year worth of time just, literally "fucking around".
"Doing nothing" - fucking sitting there doing such meaningless, trivial bullshit that it has no place in my memory even.
I would not be suprised to find that out.
So. After I finish this I am going to read. I have to go to school. I have to integrate myself as self-stability in this system. That means school. School is here for process. I must become stable in school. That means reading this book and actually doing it moment by moment, instead of meerly suppressing myself by doing this and 'placing some kind of value' in it so that I can believe that there is 'some kind of higher reason' to justify why I am doing this even though it makes no sense- in effect: 'conditioning myself to become a cubicle-zombie.
So just.... stop fucking around and start integrating all forms of my life into process.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
My Sister again
alright so I have been neglecting this place again.
But I'm back and looksido the page-posting is the one about my sister and her abusive fucking sick shit relationship.
This shit came up the other day.
My sister hit me several times.
I was really angry about it.
(I have a video archeived on my youtube account as unlisted- I will bring the link here and edit it into the post- but I can't log onto youtube and get it now.)
My disposition with anger has changed. I am not as ashamed and separated from it as I was when I was a child.
I wanted to hit her back, and moved like I was going to slap her in the face, but stopped. That is alot like the earlier circumstance where I was going to scream 'forcefully' enough to penetrate to the depths of her, but stopped. Maybe I should have slapped her in the face. I was embarassed because my aunt and cousin were here.
I am not letting her forget the point. Twice now in the last two days I have told her:
"The next time you hit me I am going to pin you to the floor and scream in your face so loud that you will never forget"
I will continue repeating this, to really drive home that it actually MEANS something that she hits me.
But I don't know if I am going to do it or not. Probably not just because there might not be enough space to drag her to the floor without hitting her head on something. Maybe, maybe not. I will not allow her to hit me again. Its not like she can really hurt me without some kind of weapon, but still this point cannot be allowed. She has used weapons before that could have serrsiouly hurt me. I am ashamed of myself and embarassed that this has happened, and that I am 'subject' to this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to internalize my mothers bitter hatred and spite towards my father's anger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and hide from anger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from anger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want vengence on my sister for 'putting me in that position of powerlessness'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist powerlessness by charging anger as a way to 'control' reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and ignore, in spite and separation, this self-judgment about anger that exists in me. -By saying: "Well letting it out' is better than pretending it is not there." --this is total bullshit. It is like I am pretending that to stop anger on my own is impossible, so that I can "come out with it" and simply justify to SATISFY my desire to control and get revenge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out my mother to justify this point of "my being cheated" by my sister
I want my mother to approve of me and admonish my sister, this has existed in me for a LONG time- and I will place it simply:
I am valuing myself by the energy that exists in the family-enslavement construct, and, within this context, my sister's actions are seens as "stealing my value" away from me. and they indeed are. but this is ONLY a relevant consideration when I am motivatied to exist in this world from a starting point of accepting myself to exist as energy, as an enerslave in slavergy, and value myself by this energy.
So- I must simply KNOW and identify this point of jealousy that exists towards my sister and STOP.
god. That is an ugly fucking thing. Jealousy. Such an indulgent and malicious thing.
-------------------
okay here is the link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=facUPFA7ZnI
in the first 7 minutes I bring up a point that happened between me and my cousin.
so if you don't have the time for that point, but want to see the second point that comes up in that video: skip ahead to around 7 minutes when I start talking about my sister.
SO
an interesting thing happened almost immediately after I posted the entry above the -----line.
My sister came home.
"Lydia"
I said.
She ignored me. I began to get angry- I reacted to the point of "her controlling me" but this is bullshit, and I know this, and I would not allow it to control my expression.
"Lydia"
I said again, calmly.
She responded.
"I want to talk about you hitting me."
she reacts and blames me for the situation- believing that her actions were somehow justified. She says somethng like: "Oh you are so pathetic... you're just pretending like that was all that happened and it is only about you hitting me..." [woah. Hows that for a fruedrian slip. Much spite apparently exists in me towards my sister that I am not willing to face. -That makes sense. And it must stop. --What I meant to write was "me hitting you", which was actually what happened. I did not hit her.]
she then 'went to' my dad, using 'exclusion' and 'exclusive relationships' to 'control me'
"do you hear what he's doing dad? hahahaha he pretending like the whole thing is only about me hitting him. How pathetic!"
my dad kind of replyed (while lying on the bed in his underwear)
"Uhhhhhhh blah blah blah uhhhhhhhh"
and at this I stood up: Faced my sister, pulled the chair I was sitting on down to the ground by pulling backwards on the upright 'back part' of the chair (I checked first to make certain that no-body was lying on the ground in the chair's way) to the ground, and I started to scream at my sister.
"IF YOU EVER FUCKING HIT ME AGAIN I AM GOING TO PULL YOU TO THE GROUND AND SCREAM IN YOUR FACE SO LOUD THAT YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO FORGET!! YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOUR FUCKING SELF!!!"
It was not at all like "dominating" or "manly". My movements were kind of "awkward". I gave her a vicious pointer finger ("pointing at YOU") gesture at first and then took a step closer. I got within the 'private space' bubble-
and when standing there I was then was going to grab a drinking glass lying on the adjacent countertop and throw it against the wall, but though better of it, so I instead 'flowed' with that movement 'towards the glass' and (without at all thinking about this) kind of 'used it as a support pillar' as if "I would be blown away if I wasn't hanging on".
I saw my sister's face, she was "frozen". She almost 'shook'. It was like the makeup peeled off of her in that moment. When I was finished yelling I turned around and sat down. My sister threatened to call the cops, and when my father refused to "take her side" she started to "cry". She left the house and slammed the door.
(that thing with my father is interesting. That's like "euqality" because he 'doesn't want to be involved with either of us... "equally". lol)
When this was over, my body was like... "radiating energy". It was really... odd.
Then my father started to go into blaming me for how the family doesn't work. I told him he was responsible. He told me I was delluding myself. I told him he was "a big softie who is ashamed of himself for not being able to manage the family."
I let that conflict drop and stopped resisting the consideration of myself "actually being wrong" and "actually being a participant in this mess". Because DUH! Obviously I am. Not gonna get sucked into defending and chasing the idea of 'being flawlessly uninvolved". Right/Wrong personal value bullshit.
Of specific importance is the phrase "a big softie"- this is quite meaningful because I am not judging him or angry at him about it, I am simply supporting him. I literally mean it too- his whole body is this big, bloated, fragile, squishy soft thing. lol
Its ashame my sister had to take it this way, and go through that, I would not like to have my sister feel like this- but so be it. If this is what I have to face in order to place values where they belong then I will do it.
But I'm back and looksido the page-posting is the one about my sister and her abusive fucking sick shit relationship.
This shit came up the other day.
My sister hit me several times.
I was really angry about it.
(I have a video archeived on my youtube account as unlisted- I will bring the link here and edit it into the post- but I can't log onto youtube and get it now.)
My disposition with anger has changed. I am not as ashamed and separated from it as I was when I was a child.
I wanted to hit her back, and moved like I was going to slap her in the face, but stopped. That is alot like the earlier circumstance where I was going to scream 'forcefully' enough to penetrate to the depths of her, but stopped. Maybe I should have slapped her in the face. I was embarassed because my aunt and cousin were here.
I am not letting her forget the point. Twice now in the last two days I have told her:
"The next time you hit me I am going to pin you to the floor and scream in your face so loud that you will never forget"
I will continue repeating this, to really drive home that it actually MEANS something that she hits me.
But I don't know if I am going to do it or not. Probably not just because there might not be enough space to drag her to the floor without hitting her head on something. Maybe, maybe not. I will not allow her to hit me again. Its not like she can really hurt me without some kind of weapon, but still this point cannot be allowed. She has used weapons before that could have serrsiouly hurt me. I am ashamed of myself and embarassed that this has happened, and that I am 'subject' to this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to internalize my mothers bitter hatred and spite towards my father's anger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and hide from anger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from anger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want vengence on my sister for 'putting me in that position of powerlessness'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist powerlessness by charging anger as a way to 'control' reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and ignore, in spite and separation, this self-judgment about anger that exists in me. -By saying: "Well letting it out' is better than pretending it is not there." --this is total bullshit. It is like I am pretending that to stop anger on my own is impossible, so that I can "come out with it" and simply justify to SATISFY my desire to control and get revenge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out my mother to justify this point of "my being cheated" by my sister
I want my mother to approve of me and admonish my sister, this has existed in me for a LONG time- and I will place it simply:
I am valuing myself by the energy that exists in the family-enslavement construct, and, within this context, my sister's actions are seens as "stealing my value" away from me. and they indeed are. but this is ONLY a relevant consideration when I am motivatied to exist in this world from a starting point of accepting myself to exist as energy, as an enerslave in slavergy, and value myself by this energy.
So- I must simply KNOW and identify this point of jealousy that exists towards my sister and STOP.
god. That is an ugly fucking thing. Jealousy. Such an indulgent and malicious thing.
-------------------
okay here is the link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=facUPFA7ZnI
in the first 7 minutes I bring up a point that happened between me and my cousin.
so if you don't have the time for that point, but want to see the second point that comes up in that video: skip ahead to around 7 minutes when I start talking about my sister.
SO
an interesting thing happened almost immediately after I posted the entry above the -----line.
My sister came home.
"Lydia"
I said.
She ignored me. I began to get angry- I reacted to the point of "her controlling me" but this is bullshit, and I know this, and I would not allow it to control my expression.
"Lydia"
I said again, calmly.
She responded.
"I want to talk about you hitting me."
she reacts and blames me for the situation- believing that her actions were somehow justified. She says somethng like: "Oh you are so pathetic... you're just pretending like that was all that happened and it is only about you hitting me..." [woah. Hows that for a fruedrian slip. Much spite apparently exists in me towards my sister that I am not willing to face. -That makes sense. And it must stop. --What I meant to write was "me hitting you", which was actually what happened. I did not hit her.]
she then 'went to' my dad, using 'exclusion' and 'exclusive relationships' to 'control me'
"do you hear what he's doing dad? hahahaha he pretending like the whole thing is only about me hitting him. How pathetic!"
my dad kind of replyed (while lying on the bed in his underwear)
"Uhhhhhhh blah blah blah uhhhhhhhh"
and at this I stood up: Faced my sister, pulled the chair I was sitting on down to the ground by pulling backwards on the upright 'back part' of the chair (I checked first to make certain that no-body was lying on the ground in the chair's way) to the ground, and I started to scream at my sister.
"IF YOU EVER FUCKING HIT ME AGAIN I AM GOING TO PULL YOU TO THE GROUND AND SCREAM IN YOUR FACE SO LOUD THAT YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO FORGET!! YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOUR FUCKING SELF!!!"
It was not at all like "dominating" or "manly". My movements were kind of "awkward". I gave her a vicious pointer finger ("pointing at YOU") gesture at first and then took a step closer. I got within the 'private space' bubble-
and when standing there I was then was going to grab a drinking glass lying on the adjacent countertop and throw it against the wall, but though better of it, so I instead 'flowed' with that movement 'towards the glass' and (without at all thinking about this) kind of 'used it as a support pillar' as if "I would be blown away if I wasn't hanging on".
I saw my sister's face, she was "frozen". She almost 'shook'. It was like the makeup peeled off of her in that moment. When I was finished yelling I turned around and sat down. My sister threatened to call the cops, and when my father refused to "take her side" she started to "cry". She left the house and slammed the door.
(that thing with my father is interesting. That's like "euqality" because he 'doesn't want to be involved with either of us... "equally". lol)
When this was over, my body was like... "radiating energy". It was really... odd.
Then my father started to go into blaming me for how the family doesn't work. I told him he was responsible. He told me I was delluding myself. I told him he was "a big softie who is ashamed of himself for not being able to manage the family."
I let that conflict drop and stopped resisting the consideration of myself "actually being wrong" and "actually being a participant in this mess". Because DUH! Obviously I am. Not gonna get sucked into defending and chasing the idea of 'being flawlessly uninvolved". Right/Wrong personal value bullshit.
Of specific importance is the phrase "a big softie"- this is quite meaningful because I am not judging him or angry at him about it, I am simply supporting him. I literally mean it too- his whole body is this big, bloated, fragile, squishy soft thing. lol
Its ashame my sister had to take it this way, and go through that, I would not like to have my sister feel like this- but so be it. If this is what I have to face in order to place values where they belong then I will do it.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Anger as Self-Will
So I just got out of the car after going to “buy birthday presents” for my father’s birthday-consumerism-cult-disgraceful-meaningless-distraction-celebration that will be taking place in a few hours come morning.
We first went to the store and bought him some sugar and other things, and then my sister asked me if I wanted to see her dorm.
I said okay, but told her that I would not go if she was going to be fighting again with her boyfriend on the phone.
She and him fight often. Their relationship is very abusive, but I am really unaware of any kind of specifics.
My sister has kept this shit-show extremely secret. That is apparent now.
Which is fascinating... because my mother is much like that. My father holds many grudges against my mother and her family, one of them is her (and their) tendency to keep everything extremely secretive. I have believed my sister to be “an individual”-and I have not recognized this in her... but now I see her making the same gestures, the same tonal expressions that my mother does. Individuals don’t exist.
Also on that point I will address how I have also noticed in myself a tendency to behave in similar ways as does my father. Emotional, behavioral, physical gestures, tonal expressions. This point will be coming up later in the story.
back to my sister’s relationship with her boyfriend, Drew.
I should have been more aware of the dire straints of this relationship as it exists now, and that is not to go into the spiral of self-reprimandation, but just to notice how obvious it actually has been, how I had all the evidence, in plenty, that I would have needed to surmise that the relationship is not stable, and is continuing to exist in the same spurts of abusiveness that I have seen before.
There have been many times. Where she has been locked in her room screaming on the phone. At least once incident in addition to tonight has happened, where I have been sitting in the car while she is “getting her stuff” away from her boyfriends residence.
Sick, obsessed, indulgent, willingly ignorant, blinded, binded, ill, repulsive, deliberately delusional FUCKING BULLSHIT.
-THAT IS “LOVE”
So tonight, after going to the dorm and blah blah blah- I am again sitting in my sister’s car as she weeps and alludes to horrible things that are taking place between her and her boyfriend:
“I try so hard.”
”You don‘t know how mean he is to me”
“He just always tells me I’m not worth shit.”
I started to repeat the point, over and over:
“You have to stop”
“You have to break up with Drew”
“You are not supporting yourself”
“You are abusing yourself”
she moved into “I love Drew”
and I started to take a more direct and “loud" tone with her, repeating these points:
“You have to stop”
“You have to break up with Drew”
“You are not supporting yourself”
“You are abusing yourself”
These points I kept repeating over and over the entire car-ride home. She was extremely emotional and continued to justify her continued participation in this sick relationship.
I brought up how, if she would not stop, I would be willing to bring in an aunt, or cousin, or SOMEONE- to tell her to stop.
She reacted in complete, absolute defense-mode. She said I was threatening her.
She started yelling and screaming over me.
I yelled and screamed back, not from anger. There was one point where the anger started to “fill me entirely”, and I was afraid, that has not happened before, and I ‘did not go there’. I was screaming:
“IF YOU WANT TO HURT YOURSELF AND FUCK UP YOUR LIFE WHAT YOU WANT MEANS FUCKING BULLSHIT!"
then- as I yelled
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND!??"
I noticed how much "force" was able to be put into that sound with me becoming the expression of just pure, raw anger. I would have really enjoyed it.
...
continuing:
I would not “bend” and drop the “I will bring in our distant and unfamiliar Aunt Kim” point- she became possessed with having me agree to “never betray her” like that.
(Within absolute self-trust, anger can be extremely effective.
but
With any dishonesty, allowing myself to justify abuse as anger, and calling it “support”- the consequences of will be horrific. I could hurt somebody badly.)
but, because I “fell” at that point of using anger as it would be required to ‘meet par’ with my sister’s attempt at dominance, she did not stop. She would have if I had ‘gone there’ ohhhhh I should have. I know I would have been effective.
She did not stop and ended with:
“If you tell Aunt Kim... you will regret it”
I was anxious and angry about this, and not ‘angry’ in the “pure expression of anger as support”, that I mentioned earlier, but only: ‘pissed off that I have had my control taken from me’ -and thusly wanting to make threats back, which I didn’t.
Yes. So that was the experience. She is engaged in an all but physically abusive relationship, she blames Drew, that much is apparent from her repeated use of this phrase
“He keeps shitting on me”
in the context of my sister’s vocabulary and general word-use... this is an extremely crude and vulgar expression. That is some vile mind shit.
and she does not want to face the world without hope- so she allows and participates in this fucked up abuse.
---
okay. I said this earlier:
“Also on that point I will address how I have also noticed in myself a tendency to behave in similar ways as does my father. Emotional, behavioral, physical gestures, tonal expressions. This point will be coming up later in the story.”
but it did not turn out to be relevant in with the rest of the stuff. it would have been ‘disorganized’. I will address that point in my next post.
We first went to the store and bought him some sugar and other things, and then my sister asked me if I wanted to see her dorm.
I said okay, but told her that I would not go if she was going to be fighting again with her boyfriend on the phone.
She and him fight often. Their relationship is very abusive, but I am really unaware of any kind of specifics.
My sister has kept this shit-show extremely secret. That is apparent now.
Which is fascinating... because my mother is much like that. My father holds many grudges against my mother and her family, one of them is her (and their) tendency to keep everything extremely secretive. I have believed my sister to be “an individual”-and I have not recognized this in her... but now I see her making the same gestures, the same tonal expressions that my mother does. Individuals don’t exist.
Also on that point I will address how I have also noticed in myself a tendency to behave in similar ways as does my father. Emotional, behavioral, physical gestures, tonal expressions. This point will be coming up later in the story.
back to my sister’s relationship with her boyfriend, Drew.
I should have been more aware of the dire straints of this relationship as it exists now, and that is not to go into the spiral of self-reprimandation, but just to notice how obvious it actually has been, how I had all the evidence, in plenty, that I would have needed to surmise that the relationship is not stable, and is continuing to exist in the same spurts of abusiveness that I have seen before.
There have been many times. Where she has been locked in her room screaming on the phone. At least once incident in addition to tonight has happened, where I have been sitting in the car while she is “getting her stuff” away from her boyfriends residence.
Sick, obsessed, indulgent, willingly ignorant, blinded, binded, ill, repulsive, deliberately delusional FUCKING BULLSHIT.
-THAT IS “LOVE”
So tonight, after going to the dorm and blah blah blah- I am again sitting in my sister’s car as she weeps and alludes to horrible things that are taking place between her and her boyfriend:
“I try so hard.”
”You don‘t know how mean he is to me”
“He just always tells me I’m not worth shit.”
I started to repeat the point, over and over:
“You have to stop”
“You have to break up with Drew”
“You are not supporting yourself”
“You are abusing yourself”
she moved into “I love Drew”
and I started to take a more direct and “loud" tone with her, repeating these points:
“You have to stop”
“You have to break up with Drew”
“You are not supporting yourself”
“You are abusing yourself”
These points I kept repeating over and over the entire car-ride home. She was extremely emotional and continued to justify her continued participation in this sick relationship.
I brought up how, if she would not stop, I would be willing to bring in an aunt, or cousin, or SOMEONE- to tell her to stop.
She reacted in complete, absolute defense-mode. She said I was threatening her.
She started yelling and screaming over me.
I yelled and screamed back, not from anger. There was one point where the anger started to “fill me entirely”, and I was afraid, that has not happened before, and I ‘did not go there’. I was screaming:
“IF YOU WANT TO HURT YOURSELF AND FUCK UP YOUR LIFE WHAT YOU WANT MEANS FUCKING BULLSHIT!"
then- as I yelled
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND!??"
I noticed how much "force" was able to be put into that sound with me becoming the expression of just pure, raw anger. I would have really enjoyed it.
...
continuing:
I would not “bend” and drop the “I will bring in our distant and unfamiliar Aunt Kim” point- she became possessed with having me agree to “never betray her” like that.
(Within absolute self-trust, anger can be extremely effective.
but
With any dishonesty, allowing myself to justify abuse as anger, and calling it “support”- the consequences of will be horrific. I could hurt somebody badly.)
but, because I “fell” at that point of using anger as it would be required to ‘meet par’ with my sister’s attempt at dominance, she did not stop. She would have if I had ‘gone there’ ohhhhh I should have. I know I would have been effective.
She did not stop and ended with:
“If you tell Aunt Kim... you will regret it”
I was anxious and angry about this, and not ‘angry’ in the “pure expression of anger as support”, that I mentioned earlier, but only: ‘pissed off that I have had my control taken from me’ -and thusly wanting to make threats back, which I didn’t.
Yes. So that was the experience. She is engaged in an all but physically abusive relationship, she blames Drew, that much is apparent from her repeated use of this phrase
“He keeps shitting on me”
in the context of my sister’s vocabulary and general word-use... this is an extremely crude and vulgar expression. That is some vile mind shit.
and she does not want to face the world without hope- so she allows and participates in this fucked up abuse.
---
okay. I said this earlier:
“Also on that point I will address how I have also noticed in myself a tendency to behave in similar ways as does my father. Emotional, behavioral, physical gestures, tonal expressions. This point will be coming up later in the story.”
but it did not turn out to be relevant in with the rest of the stuff. it would have been ‘disorganized’. I will address that point in my next post.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
my "fallacious argument" paper for writing 101
Human Nature
What drives man to allow his own existence to wallow in deprivation and disgrace? Such a situation seems to grind against the very nature of our understanding of the human mind, to see such a vast number of people existing in such a state of depravity that we see continually occurring in ever increasing frequency in the world of 2010. For does not each individual naturally seek out for himself a state of comfort and prosperity? Yet, indeed, in the modern world there exists, more than ever before, the masses of these who live and sleep in filth, destitution, disgrace and humiliation. “Why?”, is the question that would naturally come to the mind of most reasonable, god-fearing western individuals. And a worthy inquiry this question is: for why would one allow such conditions for oneself when opportunity exists boundlessly available to them in a sea of endless space-time possibilities? Here in this paper I seek to empirically and inductively demonstrate to all readers that not only is this disease of poverty and destitution a completely self-induced and internal psychological disease, but also that the disease cannot be possibly cured when the inflicted are unwilling to obstruct their own consumption of the poisonous bodies that cause their debilitation.
Firstly, let us examine the case of american homelessness. Surely, this example is nothing short of a prime case-study that represents the very definition of: ‘individuals that are undoubtedly responsible for consuming the poisons that reduce them to such a state’. For what other explanation could reasonably exist? I explain: Weak-willed individuals on the left side of the political strata have developed a tendency to claim that such cases of illness are a result of environmental factors; or, that is to also say: that the society itself at large has incubated this disease and imparted it somehow to within the being of the afflicted. Yet, the briefest observation renders this argument null; for it is not being considered, by these in the left, that within this very environment which is allegedly the cause and source of these individual’s disease, there exists simultaneously all resources that would be required to cure oneself of homelessness: private, ecclesiastical, and governmental soup-kitchens, rest-shelters, job allocation assistance organizations, half-way houses and unemployment centers exist in mass; in fact, to the extent where the biggest limitation on their expansion is not the number of volunteers or availability of physical resources, but instead the lack of funding for management staff. Thusly, with such the existence and preeminence of these resources, we can definitively assert that anyone with the will to cure themselves of the american strain of homelessness is most able to do so. Therefore, we can also definitively assert that these individuals who have contracted homelessness are, in fact, selectively, and by their own will, partaking of the ‘social-substance’ that carries the sickness. If I may make an analogy to demonstrate: A man drinking a can of toxic pain is most likely aware in some way, shape or form, that the substance he is consuming is definitely detrimental to the health of his body; yet, he continues to consume the substance regardless. I consider this analogy parallel and relevant to our social calamity of homelessness. And as is made apparent in this analogy, the true disorder at the heart of this tragedy is not the detrimental effects of poison paint in the body, but rather, the detrimental effects of the individual’s mind itself.
Now, for our second example, let us expand our observation of society further; to examine a larger, if less infected on an individual basis, class of individuals who carry within them the taint of this virulent septic. With these words I am referring, of course, to the economically destitute within our own societies. The check-to-check debtors who can afford no longer to remain productive or valuable members of the culture. This is an especially appropriate group of the diseased to bring to the fore; in light of the previous two years prior to my writing on this day of October 2, 2010, that have each seen rise to an increasing spread of this infection. Within that claim, I am of course referring to the 2008 economic recession that has been rightly said to plague the western world. Upon an examination of this social development, we can again see the critical misunderstanding of society within the words used to express and define the “economic recession”. As within this statement we see again the assumption that “the economy” is somehow the source of our woes. Yet, a simple observation will reveal to us that “the economy” is actually composed of a vast number of individuals, and is not rather some external prevailing force or entity. And, as we have proven in the previous example, it can be definitively asserted that each of these individuals suffering from “the economy” are each in actuality another case-in-point example of a man with a mental-disorder drinking toxic paint.
Let’s take a closer examination at that last point, continuing to hold our attention on the specific case of the evolving breed of the western economically destitute. These individuals seem to be exhibiting a primitive form of the homelessness infection, but one that has not yet come to fruition. (Of course the implications of such an observation are horrifying, yet for the sake of literary consistency I am bound to withhold myself from expounding into this tangent at the moment.) Therefore, being less sickly and less infected, one would assume that these individuals would have a relatively easier experience of making themselves well than do the homeless. In a highly integrated world, there exist investment opportunities like never before: stocks, bonds, hedge funds, foreign investments, developing market investments, commodity options trading and the like. One could expect an average capitalist with a sound and reasonable mind to possess the ability to utilize his or her resources effectively to provide himself or herself with prosperity. Yet unfortunately, with your average unemployed American remaining unemployed for eight month stretches and counting, this is definitely not the case. Again, here we have a classification of individuals who are choosing to inflict upon themselves destitution and fiscal instability.
Lastly, let us travel our attentions to the far reaches of this spectrum of disease and disorder; and take a close examination of one of the world’s most extreme cases of the unnamed disease of which we have been discussing. I am referring here to the country of Sudan. Which, for many years, has been featuring intensely dramatic and unappetizingly stark cases of the disease; which, shockingly; has become a full-fledged epidemic. Sudan is a place where every man, woman and child (save for a miraculously fortunate 1% elite) is infected to extremes. And within the infected population, let us observe the similarities between the expressed symptoms that are existing in all such case studies of the disorder: Within the boarders of their own nation, the Sudanese have effectively been able to organize and mobilize the militarized Janjaweed syndicate. So while an illusion of unwillingness may persist in the minds of the social idealist, it does not take much reflection to conclude the simple fact that a large group of men with mechanical weaponry, who are collectively willing to operate outside any state or foreign law, are perhaps the most able organization that can possibly exists at fulfilling the intention to gain prosperity for oneself. Why, then, you might ask, would the Janjaweed, once organized, not aquire prosperity through some sort of conquest? Why would people willingly starve to death rather than to face their personal responsibility to generate profit? This is the question that we can expect to be asked by most any sane and reasonable god-fearing american citizen.
Unfortunately, my friends, I do not have an answer for you. As, taken at the expense of the very security of the prosperity of the western world, leftists and liberals are drawn like moths to the bulb with cases like Sudan; where, due to the extensiveness of the severity, an illusion can be more effectively constructed to support their argument (this being, as I have previously explained, that outside social sources are the cause of destitution, and that the individuals themselves are not personally to be held accountable for their condition.) The research into this disease has not been financed, and our understanding at this point in time is extremely limited. In addition to this grim sentiment, I must, to my chagrin, inform you that the likelihood of any considerable funding being granted to the nation’s scientific industry for expressly this function is doubtful. For debate and speculation, on behalf of the delusional political left, will continue to stall and mire any progress that might be made as a society towards grasping the actuality of our dire situation in completeness. Yet, let me to assure you, that this insanity, this self-destructiveness, this gaping lack of self-interest, has provided to us already with evidence in plenty towards the inevitable conclusion: that the contagious capability of the disease contains within it the possibility of the complete and utter destruction of human society as a whole.
Although this faraway place called Sudan and its people might at first seem insignificant, I usher a warning to you: Sudan is an ominous example of the horrifying potential worst-case scenario: where the disease might potentially break out into an unstoppable epidemic catastrophe within Europe or America. I understand the devastating nature of this realization; and I would not leave you without parting words of hope and wisdom. For there exists a solution to our calamity: we, as the remaining sane human beings in society, have no choice but to act immediately with unwavering force and precise deliberation. Poverty must be exterminated. Continuing from this point, the question must be asked: But how are we to eliminate 80% of the world’s population? A simple, if extensive, solution becomes apparent: We must utilize a systematic process of exterminating all trace of the toxic septic disorder, for the sake of preserving what prosperity we have left. The most effective methods of such a procedure have been proven already to be starvation and poisonous gas. Certainly both will be required to be utilized. We have no choice but to organize ourselves and unite! Poverty must be exterminated! We have no choice but to absolutely eradicate every last trace of the scourge; down to every last instance of affliction. All infected individuals must be removed from the world and completely disintegrated. No matter what the cost. This could be our only hope for survival.
What drives man to allow his own existence to wallow in deprivation and disgrace? Such a situation seems to grind against the very nature of our understanding of the human mind, to see such a vast number of people existing in such a state of depravity that we see continually occurring in ever increasing frequency in the world of 2010. For does not each individual naturally seek out for himself a state of comfort and prosperity? Yet, indeed, in the modern world there exists, more than ever before, the masses of these who live and sleep in filth, destitution, disgrace and humiliation. “Why?”, is the question that would naturally come to the mind of most reasonable, god-fearing western individuals. And a worthy inquiry this question is: for why would one allow such conditions for oneself when opportunity exists boundlessly available to them in a sea of endless space-time possibilities? Here in this paper I seek to empirically and inductively demonstrate to all readers that not only is this disease of poverty and destitution a completely self-induced and internal psychological disease, but also that the disease cannot be possibly cured when the inflicted are unwilling to obstruct their own consumption of the poisonous bodies that cause their debilitation.
Firstly, let us examine the case of american homelessness. Surely, this example is nothing short of a prime case-study that represents the very definition of: ‘individuals that are undoubtedly responsible for consuming the poisons that reduce them to such a state’. For what other explanation could reasonably exist? I explain: Weak-willed individuals on the left side of the political strata have developed a tendency to claim that such cases of illness are a result of environmental factors; or, that is to also say: that the society itself at large has incubated this disease and imparted it somehow to within the being of the afflicted. Yet, the briefest observation renders this argument null; for it is not being considered, by these in the left, that within this very environment which is allegedly the cause and source of these individual’s disease, there exists simultaneously all resources that would be required to cure oneself of homelessness: private, ecclesiastical, and governmental soup-kitchens, rest-shelters, job allocation assistance organizations, half-way houses and unemployment centers exist in mass; in fact, to the extent where the biggest limitation on their expansion is not the number of volunteers or availability of physical resources, but instead the lack of funding for management staff. Thusly, with such the existence and preeminence of these resources, we can definitively assert that anyone with the will to cure themselves of the american strain of homelessness is most able to do so. Therefore, we can also definitively assert that these individuals who have contracted homelessness are, in fact, selectively, and by their own will, partaking of the ‘social-substance’ that carries the sickness. If I may make an analogy to demonstrate: A man drinking a can of toxic pain is most likely aware in some way, shape or form, that the substance he is consuming is definitely detrimental to the health of his body; yet, he continues to consume the substance regardless. I consider this analogy parallel and relevant to our social calamity of homelessness. And as is made apparent in this analogy, the true disorder at the heart of this tragedy is not the detrimental effects of poison paint in the body, but rather, the detrimental effects of the individual’s mind itself.
Now, for our second example, let us expand our observation of society further; to examine a larger, if less infected on an individual basis, class of individuals who carry within them the taint of this virulent septic. With these words I am referring, of course, to the economically destitute within our own societies. The check-to-check debtors who can afford no longer to remain productive or valuable members of the culture. This is an especially appropriate group of the diseased to bring to the fore; in light of the previous two years prior to my writing on this day of October 2, 2010, that have each seen rise to an increasing spread of this infection. Within that claim, I am of course referring to the 2008 economic recession that has been rightly said to plague the western world. Upon an examination of this social development, we can again see the critical misunderstanding of society within the words used to express and define the “economic recession”. As within this statement we see again the assumption that “the economy” is somehow the source of our woes. Yet, a simple observation will reveal to us that “the economy” is actually composed of a vast number of individuals, and is not rather some external prevailing force or entity. And, as we have proven in the previous example, it can be definitively asserted that each of these individuals suffering from “the economy” are each in actuality another case-in-point example of a man with a mental-disorder drinking toxic paint.
Let’s take a closer examination at that last point, continuing to hold our attention on the specific case of the evolving breed of the western economically destitute. These individuals seem to be exhibiting a primitive form of the homelessness infection, but one that has not yet come to fruition. (Of course the implications of such an observation are horrifying, yet for the sake of literary consistency I am bound to withhold myself from expounding into this tangent at the moment.) Therefore, being less sickly and less infected, one would assume that these individuals would have a relatively easier experience of making themselves well than do the homeless. In a highly integrated world, there exist investment opportunities like never before: stocks, bonds, hedge funds, foreign investments, developing market investments, commodity options trading and the like. One could expect an average capitalist with a sound and reasonable mind to possess the ability to utilize his or her resources effectively to provide himself or herself with prosperity. Yet unfortunately, with your average unemployed American remaining unemployed for eight month stretches and counting, this is definitely not the case. Again, here we have a classification of individuals who are choosing to inflict upon themselves destitution and fiscal instability.
Lastly, let us travel our attentions to the far reaches of this spectrum of disease and disorder; and take a close examination of one of the world’s most extreme cases of the unnamed disease of which we have been discussing. I am referring here to the country of Sudan. Which, for many years, has been featuring intensely dramatic and unappetizingly stark cases of the disease; which, shockingly; has become a full-fledged epidemic. Sudan is a place where every man, woman and child (save for a miraculously fortunate 1% elite) is infected to extremes. And within the infected population, let us observe the similarities between the expressed symptoms that are existing in all such case studies of the disorder: Within the boarders of their own nation, the Sudanese have effectively been able to organize and mobilize the militarized Janjaweed syndicate. So while an illusion of unwillingness may persist in the minds of the social idealist, it does not take much reflection to conclude the simple fact that a large group of men with mechanical weaponry, who are collectively willing to operate outside any state or foreign law, are perhaps the most able organization that can possibly exists at fulfilling the intention to gain prosperity for oneself. Why, then, you might ask, would the Janjaweed, once organized, not aquire prosperity through some sort of conquest? Why would people willingly starve to death rather than to face their personal responsibility to generate profit? This is the question that we can expect to be asked by most any sane and reasonable god-fearing american citizen.
Unfortunately, my friends, I do not have an answer for you. As, taken at the expense of the very security of the prosperity of the western world, leftists and liberals are drawn like moths to the bulb with cases like Sudan; where, due to the extensiveness of the severity, an illusion can be more effectively constructed to support their argument (this being, as I have previously explained, that outside social sources are the cause of destitution, and that the individuals themselves are not personally to be held accountable for their condition.) The research into this disease has not been financed, and our understanding at this point in time is extremely limited. In addition to this grim sentiment, I must, to my chagrin, inform you that the likelihood of any considerable funding being granted to the nation’s scientific industry for expressly this function is doubtful. For debate and speculation, on behalf of the delusional political left, will continue to stall and mire any progress that might be made as a society towards grasping the actuality of our dire situation in completeness. Yet, let me to assure you, that this insanity, this self-destructiveness, this gaping lack of self-interest, has provided to us already with evidence in plenty towards the inevitable conclusion: that the contagious capability of the disease contains within it the possibility of the complete and utter destruction of human society as a whole.
Although this faraway place called Sudan and its people might at first seem insignificant, I usher a warning to you: Sudan is an ominous example of the horrifying potential worst-case scenario: where the disease might potentially break out into an unstoppable epidemic catastrophe within Europe or America. I understand the devastating nature of this realization; and I would not leave you without parting words of hope and wisdom. For there exists a solution to our calamity: we, as the remaining sane human beings in society, have no choice but to act immediately with unwavering force and precise deliberation. Poverty must be exterminated. Continuing from this point, the question must be asked: But how are we to eliminate 80% of the world’s population? A simple, if extensive, solution becomes apparent: We must utilize a systematic process of exterminating all trace of the toxic septic disorder, for the sake of preserving what prosperity we have left. The most effective methods of such a procedure have been proven already to be starvation and poisonous gas. Certainly both will be required to be utilized. We have no choice but to organize ourselves and unite! Poverty must be exterminated! We have no choice but to absolutely eradicate every last trace of the scourge; down to every last instance of affliction. All infected individuals must be removed from the world and completely disintegrated. No matter what the cost. This could be our only hope for survival.
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