facing myself and my father

Alright.




I just had about a 4-5 minutes (maybe less. tsh. if that matters) conversation with my father after not seeing him all day.



I was going to play music now, but I will write in silence while these points are raw and fresh. If I notice that I am becoming overly emotional in any way, or especially if blame and that experience of ‘outwardly projecting anger towards my father’ begin to activate, I am going to stop writing immediately.



Well firstly I notice I am racing and wanting to note down like 5 different things at once. Sunette just posted a video {I will include link --- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0MceGfyU4I ---} about this and I will apply it.



One point at a time. I am writing about what has just happened with my father / who I was in this experience with my father.



So. I went into his room to interact with him. From the start this interaction was more stable and calm than it has been in the past years- just almost to test myself and see what happens. I brought up how my grandmother called me a “hyopcondriac” (obsessive fear of and possessive fixation with ‘unhealthy’) -- and I, speaking to my father, acknowledged that I “saw where she was coming from”; in regards towards my relationship with eating, cleaning myself and my relationship with acne and facial-skin.



I notice there was active in me this consideration, this noticing that my father has these same points-- I feel like I am “there to help him”



ahhh yes. There is the point. Gotchya.



so-- while walking to my fathers house from my grandmother’s [and grandfather's(maternal)] house, I remembered this quote form the Dao De Ching:



“Thusly the sage teaches without speaking”



...lol



or something like that.



So. When coming home, I saw my father sitting on his ass in his room fucking around with dumb bullshit online. Flash games and flash news and flash videos and all kinds of humiliating crap.



I react to this, I experience it with this angry, angry disgust. --As can be heard in my choice of words above; and that sudden change in tone.



My initial reaction would be to “resist” him, and say “what you’re doing is “wrong”. Change yourself.”



but, through my (mis)interpretation of the Dao De Ching, I see this as an “inferior way” to criticize my father-- and seek to avoid his anger by “living as a superior example”.



So. Upon entering his room where he is sitting, I disregard this ‘movement’ in me to tell him “get up. you are doing something wrong.”



...and I “walk into the bathroom” and look at my reflection.



as I write this it seems very apparent that this active point of “judgment/ wrongness” was not actually and appropriately identified and directed as a living statement of self-application in breath-- but had instead been suppressed and ignored.



Because I had not applied myself effectively, this judgment was still influencing my interpretation of myself and reality- so after a few moments of looking at my reflection-- I became somewhat possessed by this sense of “wrongness” (ie: “It is wrong to look at myself in the mirror because it makes me “weak” and “a failure.”)-- and immediately ‘cut myself off’ from this application of mind-- and in that action of ‘cutting myself off’; I switch back again to the circumstantial polarity of ‘rightness’; and believe that “I am superior because I know “this” and I am right in “this”-- so from this point of “rightness”, I go to my father and bring up the point I mentioned earlier--



I start talking to him about me and hypochondria, and am ‘seeking approval’ for my disposition. I am looking for my father to ‘walk it for me’; and ‘confirm to me’ the “rightness” of this point



(because that is how I, as the mind, operate. “Rightness” [energy] is required for me to move-- I apparently “must be fed”; and I am ‘asking my father to feed me within this point’, so that I ‘can have permission’ to do... something. Idk. Whatever. So I can do something that makes me feel better about myself because I have allowed judgment to exist in me as a form of possession and this has been allowed to be directed at both me and my father.



Anyway, in looking for my father to ‘walk this with me’-- I am asking him to ‘accept within himself this point of inferiority’ and validate it as wrong and validate my application so that “I can feel good about myself”.



He refuses to face that point of inferiority in himself and does not notice how he is reacting with blame, defensiveness.



I tell him that he is coming across very agresssive.



and he blames me for it and says (basically) “it is your fault that I am angry”



and I get up and say “communication is no longer possible”



and I leave the room, shutting the door quietly



--I was intending to write this piece entirely about my father’s blame-system. But- that is all it is. A blame system. It is more important to consider how I am able to support myself.

So heres some points in that regard of self-support:



1. Slow Down

---I seem to be to be totally obsessed with achieving validation in some sense to rationalize my mind-systems and make it ‘easier’ for me to process myself... and unfortunately this is total bullshit. lol. Okay. Let me try that again:



In this application- trying to correct myself in the context of the family-- I am avoiding the key points of self-responsibility that must be taken. My primary consideration is what “others” and “doing to me” in the sense that, yes, process is more difficult when I am living with my father who does not intend to stop these systems in himself.



but using that as an excuse to not face what are basically the exact same points in me... that’s just bullshit.



By defining my fathers experience as wrong and in contrast defining myself as superior... so that I can have some way, some desperate, desperate way to avoid facing the exact same point of wrongness that I experience, obviously and ostensively [“Ostensively” = “on the surface, what something looks like, ‘in plain sight’, as it appears ‘on the outside’ and at the point of first impression”], in relation to the idea that I have and experience towards myself.... thats just fucking abuse.



Just fucking abuse.



NO ABUSE

Fearing Rejection, Worthlessness -- Self-Worth

Joe Kou and Lindsay Craver are in a relationship




Thats what it says on facebook.



I posted this:



“Lucky!”



-as in “Joe you are so lucky because Lindsay is so cool! I wanted Lindsay!”



-which is supposed to be funny, because I am 19 and Lindsay is like 26, so that is like a child sitting on the throne and taking himself seriously in the sense of the social hierarchy.



I love doing shit like that, so much. Its so much fun.



The fear of 'Desteni' seems to be greater, though.



becayse in that moment where I posted it, I really was disregarding some pretty extreme and heavy resistances-- fear, and I just stuffed it away and said “fuck it”, ‘this is too good’. -and I posted it anyway.



I have deeply feared and admired both Lindsay and Joe, these people that I know through Desteni have become celebrities to me- seeing this rather interesting occurrence of the infamous symbol of “relationship” being formed in my world of idols is like / has become like a very disproportionately influential change in my world.



So yes... I doubt, and I



REALLY REALLY



doubt that I was doing anything “horrible”, but after posting that, I fear, and I so, so, so fear that Joe will be angry with me. I feel teary almost that Joe will be angry with me.If I was brave I would beg for forgiveness, but I am too proud, too arrogant, to delusional to have the courage to beg. So in pride I isolate myself and hide from realizing how I have shamed and humiliated myself as a being. This has been a crippling point for me: is fearing to just come out and talk about how I feel in this, and specifically this, kind of a situation where I totally am totally helpless and dependant on the opinions of others in order to determine who I am and where I stand.



So I am typing this to support myself, so that I can have this assurance that I will dare to stop and investigate these kinds of things, and dare to face myself should I ever truly be guilty of the crimes that I have been accused of- I acknowledge that I am able to ‘do something’ that would ‘put me in that situation’, where my entire world around me turns its sharp points in against me, and I haven nothing to trust, no one to stand up for me, no one to count on, no ground to stand on and defend myself, only to be torn apart because I am completely alone and forgotten... I forgot why I started typing this paragraph....



let me go back:



This experience of pain and fear and rejection exists. The question is: Do I deserve it? Is this pain and fear what is required for me to see the mind?



or are there alternatives that I can give to myself in the statement of Self For Giving to self, to spare myself ‘the hard way’?



-or am I so mighty of mind that reality will be forced to destroy my stone fortress and prison with the most powerful of forces, leaving me, by necessity, left crushed under my own construct and abandoned by self with no option but to slowly, painfully tear myself out of the crushing rubble? Will I remain after such an ordeal?



That can happen- and I can 'deserve' it. --Will that be the end of me? What am I if that is the end of me?



Kasper Kwan told me that I should “keep everything mathematically sterile”


This is what I have to do. I need that because I am so forgotten, it is required at this point.


Keeping everything mathematically sterile in the context of world equality invalidates good and bad. I can’t be abandoned if I know myself in the context of the greatest good and the greatest evil. This is how equal money can support me. and seeing as how there is apparently nothing in me or my world that merits or validates the will within myself to support myself for myself, this is also how letting go and deprograming is possible. If I am worthless, then my worth can be made in the service of the greatest divinity. What is a greater good than heaven on earth for all? What is a greater evil than existing as a living statement of sabotage that seeks to corrupt and violate the coming of heaven to earth for the equal benefit of all? No human being has the right to invalidate these values. In this context I am given the authority to support and stand as myself no matter what.



This will be immensely supportive- I must “quantify” my entire life-- I have tried this before and failed- -------I was still dependant on this point of having someone else as a counterbalance to prove to me the invalidity of my non-solute self-worthlessness. I believed I needed love, and I sought love, and I fell, and I fell for the greater part of this year. Twice over again, the same thing, twice going through the exact same experience-- with the pain requiring to be increased to awaken me from my willingness to concede to the will of my mind and continue existing as my mind. --- I’m going back to that point of self-quantification, so that, everything I do in every moment of every day can be fearlessly held in front of the world’s eyes for judgment- so that I can Know to the core of my being that judgment is invalid.



so, also, no need to “freak out” and polarize this. I will not be exempted from the requirement of self-responsibility and self-accountability in every moment-- and if I am not consistent in my application I will not notice polarity, Bernard Poolman said that "we have the space of one breath to see what we are doing" and if I fall into polarity, I will know this because everything will unravel into a maze of hopeless confusion. I have experienced that before, a desperate and horribly confusing experience of searching for the right thing to do--

So forgetting or allowing myself to forget and fall back into allowing the mind-patterns to run my behavior and my will-- will become absolutely unacceptable-- because I will forget myself completely and will fuck myself for quite a long time. As has already happened. -So the quantification of myself is not about right and wrong-- this is absolutely critical--- but is a support mechanism that can be integrated into my prison of the mind so that I know who I am, so that I can know what I stand for, no matter what, no matter what is the trend, no matter what is seen as right and wrong in the context of my culture. and this is self-worth that I can trust no matter what.



Another critical point is that this is not at all about my becoming or proving myself to be special. Three years ago Bernard Poolman told me:



“Sorry, but unfortunately this is about a system that will work for everyone, and not about a system that will only work for some.”



I did not understand what he meant, but now it is becoming more apparent. This is about becoming a living symbol for everyone, because this is the fastest way to correct all of reality- and not just me.



1. Stability

2. Equality

3. Humility



I must reduce myself into a state where I can demonstrate to everyone how to deal with the mind, no matter how reduced they as myself might be. If I have any wants, any aspirations, hopes, desires for myself, or delusions of grandeur that I am not able to let go of, it is only a matter of time before reality tears the ilusion constructs out from my body. ---As One and Equal I must support myself as reality. This is how I am able to stop non-solute self-worthlessness. I create worth in my world as the principle of equality. And then I live that, I live my life as the ultimate test,



slowly and surely, step by step, breath by breath



word by word by word



everything done clearly and simply in the context of equality, simple and clear to me and everyone else so that mistakes and misunderstandings can be minimized maximally



I subject myself to the ultimate test. Thats my participation with Equal Money- the test. Can I program self to work for, and only for, what is best for all? In absolute selflessness? That is mastery of my self.
 
 

I am afraid that I will be rejected-- that I will not be loved or accepted-- but I will continue, my application must be tested, even if I am unloved and unaccepted.
 
I am hopeful that I will be exhalted for a special accomplishment-- I stop myself from this and see that my words are equal with everyone-- anyone and everyone is able to type these simple words, so private grateness is invalid-- I am only what is here as this world and nothing more, nothing less. That is real.

another point coming up durring ITD course

holy fuck.




I missed like, the BIGGEST point in my introductory and insufficient run through of the desteni material:



this point of



“Your mind is thoughts, feelings, emotions. You are not your mind. If you experience yourself as thoughts, feelings, emotions- you are the manifestation of dishonesty.”



:o



holy fuck. I never went into that point in myself to really investigate it- I hit the blocks running as if my process was some kind of competition for aggrandizement- and from that starting point- believed that if I was thinking, or that if I reacted to my thoughts or my experiences with emotion- that I had failed. I would react emotionally to my thoughts and emotions, and then resist that, and try to ‘get away’ from it by ignoring it- which was deliberate deception.



thats like, total fuckin supression!



and deliberate... dishonesty



why god, why oh why, god, did I not apply the tools practically and effectively??



why did I hide??



why did I refuse to consider points unless they were in my self-interest??



forgive me, mother jesus!

Me typing as I read through the first lesson of the IDT course

sharing my experiences as I work on the first assignment for ITD






thought/reaction I have towards a circumstantial perception of myself:



1.Special - 1b."finish before others” - 1c.“read fast”



1c = 3rd grade reading federal test. Sitting in teacher’s office. I couldn’t pronounce the word “city” correctly. I say “kity”. and I am wrong, and I am so disappointed. I feel like the teacher must like me less.



1b = winning. attention. Female attention. -I assume: mother’s reaction to my federal test scores.



1ba - “winning” - with father in the boyscouts toy plane race. I win the first of three trials. I thought that I had won the entire thing. Tears fell from my eyes because I was so happy that I had won. I was kind of embarrassed to be crying in front of my father and other people.



Main points of reaction:



1. Mother’s attention for high reading scores / 3rd grade / “I’m good at reading”

2. Inferiority / fear of my father’s suppression / believing I can ‘fix it’ by winning/ achieving



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally, my parents reactions and feelings that they have towards who they are in the context of their world as programmed values, beliefs and faith in the world systems.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not good enough because mom isn’t happy.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this inferiority and depression, wanting to seem strong to others.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as this idea I have extensively created and developed a relationship towards; this idea being the idea of “others”



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself into believing that by manipulating “others” (apparently), I can ‘control reality’ to a point where I would “be”, in all potential circumstances, “not weak”.



-this is how anger is created by suppressing sadness



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design myself as a reactive self-value system that functions to deceive “others”, not at all noticing or considering that I am only fucking with myself. -and poorly, too.



-this understanding of my own participating in the deliberate 'giving power to’ ‘the problem’, in moments of pain when I am alone, I understand exactly what is going on.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist what is here, what is going on. It is futile.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that “I can’t handle” this idea I experience of “what others may think about me”



that’s the truth of me. That “image” that “others” “must" be thinking about me --and the gripping paranoia and obsession: is that others will see “who I am”. That is an exact reflection of “how I value and see myself”. I’ve always believed ‘the abuser’, the ‘one who hated, despised and deeply loathed me’ was ‘out there and to be hidden from’.



That’s how I’m able to justify the fucking abuse- is through self-victimization. The belief that “if it wasn’t for ‘this thing’ that is ‘attacking me’ ‘from the outside’, THEN I would ‘be able to enjoy myself and be free’--if it wasn’t for ‘this thing’. (acne or whatever) No personal responsibility is taken into account in this consideration. Complete giving up, complete excuse making, hiding.



Memories that Im referring to as I make these statements: The hell that was highschool with my acne as I would run from bathroom to bathroom in between classes applying makeup in terror and horrible depression as I judged, loathed and tore at the skin on my face. Fearing that “somewhere out there” a monster existed that hated me for how inexcusably weak I had become.



-----------



“Therefore, forgiveness with corrective application is important. If you do forgiveness and just speak the words- its not gonna do anything”



...



holy fucking jesus.