Alright.
I just had about a 4-5 minutes (maybe less. tsh. if that matters) conversation with my father after not seeing him all day.
I was going to play music now, but I will write in silence while these points are raw and fresh. If I notice that I am becoming overly emotional in any way, or especially if blame and that experience of ‘outwardly projecting anger towards my father’ begin to activate, I am going to stop writing immediately.
Well firstly I notice I am racing and wanting to note down like 5 different things at once. Sunette just posted a video {I will include link --- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0MceGfyU4I ---} about this and I will apply it.
One point at a time. I am writing about what has just happened with my father / who I was in this experience with my father.
So. I went into his room to interact with him. From the start this interaction was more stable and calm than it has been in the past years- just almost to test myself and see what happens. I brought up how my grandmother called me a “hyopcondriac” (obsessive fear of and possessive fixation with ‘unhealthy’) -- and I, speaking to my father, acknowledged that I “saw where she was coming from”; in regards towards my relationship with eating, cleaning myself and my relationship with acne and facial-skin.
I notice there was active in me this consideration, this noticing that my father has these same points-- I feel like I am “there to help him”
ahhh yes. There is the point. Gotchya.
so-- while walking to my fathers house from my grandmother’s [and grandfather's(maternal)] house, I remembered this quote form the Dao De Ching:
“Thusly the sage teaches without speaking”
...lol
or something like that.
So. When coming home, I saw my father sitting on his ass in his room fucking around with dumb bullshit online. Flash games and flash news and flash videos and all kinds of humiliating crap.
I react to this, I experience it with this angry, angry disgust. --As can be heard in my choice of words above; and that sudden change in tone.
My initial reaction would be to “resist” him, and say “what you’re doing is “wrong”. Change yourself.”
but, through my (mis)interpretation of the Dao De Ching, I see this as an “inferior way” to criticize my father-- and seek to avoid his anger by “living as a superior example”.
So. Upon entering his room where he is sitting, I disregard this ‘movement’ in me to tell him “get up. you are doing something wrong.”
...and I “walk into the bathroom” and look at my reflection.
as I write this it seems very apparent that this active point of “judgment/ wrongness” was not actually and appropriately identified and directed as a living statement of self-application in breath-- but had instead been suppressed and ignored.
Because I had not applied myself effectively, this judgment was still influencing my interpretation of myself and reality- so after a few moments of looking at my reflection-- I became somewhat possessed by this sense of “wrongness” (ie: “It is wrong to look at myself in the mirror because it makes me “weak” and “a failure.”)-- and immediately ‘cut myself off’ from this application of mind-- and in that action of ‘cutting myself off’; I switch back again to the circumstantial polarity of ‘rightness’; and believe that “I am superior because I know “this” and I am right in “this”-- so from this point of “rightness”, I go to my father and bring up the point I mentioned earlier--
I start talking to him about me and hypochondria, and am ‘seeking approval’ for my disposition. I am looking for my father to ‘walk it for me’; and ‘confirm to me’ the “rightness” of this point
(because that is how I, as the mind, operate. “Rightness” [energy] is required for me to move-- I apparently “must be fed”; and I am ‘asking my father to feed me within this point’, so that I ‘can have permission’ to do... something. Idk. Whatever. So I can do something that makes me feel better about myself because I have allowed judgment to exist in me as a form of possession and this has been allowed to be directed at both me and my father.
Anyway, in looking for my father to ‘walk this with me’-- I am asking him to ‘accept within himself this point of inferiority’ and validate it as wrong and validate my application so that “I can feel good about myself”.
He refuses to face that point of inferiority in himself and does not notice how he is reacting with blame, defensiveness.
I tell him that he is coming across very agresssive.
and he blames me for it and says (basically) “it is your fault that I am angry”
and I get up and say “communication is no longer possible”
and I leave the room, shutting the door quietly
--I was intending to write this piece entirely about my father’s blame-system. But- that is all it is. A blame system. It is more important to consider how I am able to support myself.
So heres some points in that regard of self-support:
1. Slow Down
---I seem to be to be totally obsessed with achieving validation in some sense to rationalize my mind-systems and make it ‘easier’ for me to process myself... and unfortunately this is total bullshit. lol. Okay. Let me try that again:
In this application- trying to correct myself in the context of the family-- I am avoiding the key points of self-responsibility that must be taken. My primary consideration is what “others” and “doing to me” in the sense that, yes, process is more difficult when I am living with my father who does not intend to stop these systems in himself.
but using that as an excuse to not face what are basically the exact same points in me... that’s just bullshit.
By defining my fathers experience as wrong and in contrast defining myself as superior... so that I can have some way, some desperate, desperate way to avoid facing the exact same point of wrongness that I experience, obviously and ostensively [“Ostensively” = “on the surface, what something looks like, ‘in plain sight’, as it appears ‘on the outside’ and at the point of first impression”], in relation to the idea that I have and experience towards myself.... thats just fucking abuse.
Just fucking abuse.
NO ABUSE
