Joe Kou and Lindsay Craver are in a relationship
Thats what it says on facebook.
I posted this:
“Lucky!”
-as in “Joe you are so lucky because Lindsay is so cool! I wanted Lindsay!”
-which is supposed to be funny, because I am 19 and Lindsay is like 26, so that is like a child sitting on the throne and taking himself seriously in the sense of the social hierarchy.
I love doing shit like that, so much. Its so much fun.
The fear of 'Desteni' seems to be greater, though.
becayse in that moment where I posted it, I really was disregarding some pretty extreme and heavy resistances-- fear, and I just stuffed it away and said “fuck it”, ‘this is too good’. -and I posted it anyway.
I have deeply feared and admired both Lindsay and Joe, these people that I know through Desteni have become celebrities to me- seeing this rather interesting occurrence of the infamous symbol of “relationship” being formed in my world of idols is like / has become like a very disproportionately influential change in my world.
So yes... I doubt, and I
REALLY REALLY
doubt that I was doing anything “horrible”, but after posting that, I fear, and I so, so, so fear that Joe will be angry with me. I feel teary almost that Joe will be angry with me.If I was brave I would beg for forgiveness, but I am too proud, too arrogant, to delusional to have the courage to beg. So in pride I isolate myself and hide from realizing how I have shamed and humiliated myself as a being. This has been a crippling point for me: is fearing to just come out and talk about how I feel in this, and specifically this, kind of a situation where I totally am totally helpless and dependant on the opinions of others in order to determine who I am and where I stand.
So I am typing this to support myself, so that I can have this assurance that I will dare to stop and investigate these kinds of things, and dare to face myself should I ever truly be guilty of the crimes that I have been accused of- I acknowledge that I am able to ‘do something’ that would ‘put me in that situation’, where my entire world around me turns its sharp points in against me, and I haven nothing to trust, no one to stand up for me, no one to count on, no ground to stand on and defend myself, only to be torn apart because I am completely alone and forgotten... I forgot why I started typing this paragraph....
let me go back:
This experience of pain and fear and rejection exists. The question is: Do I deserve it? Is this pain and fear what is required for me to see the mind?
or are there alternatives that I can give to myself in the statement of Self For Giving to self, to spare myself ‘the hard way’?
-or am I so mighty of mind that reality will be forced to destroy my stone fortress and prison with the most powerful of forces, leaving me, by necessity, left crushed under my own construct and abandoned by self with no option but to slowly, painfully tear myself out of the crushing rubble? Will I remain after such an ordeal?
That can happen- and I can 'deserve' it. --Will that be the end of me? What am I if that is the end of me?
Kasper Kwan told me that I should “keep everything mathematically sterile”
This is what I have to do. I need that because I am so forgotten, it is required at this point.
Keeping everything mathematically sterile in the context of world equality invalidates good and bad. I can’t be abandoned if I know myself in the context of the greatest good and the greatest evil. This is how equal money can support me. and seeing as how there is apparently nothing in me or my world that merits or validates the will within myself to support myself for myself, this is also how letting go and deprograming is possible. If I am worthless, then my worth can be made in the service of the greatest divinity. What is a greater good than heaven on earth for all? What is a greater evil than existing as a living statement of sabotage that seeks to corrupt and violate the coming of heaven to earth for the equal benefit of all? No human being has the right to invalidate these values. In this context I am given the authority to support and stand as myself no matter what.
This will be immensely supportive- I must “quantify” my entire life-- I have tried this before and failed- -------I was still dependant on this point of having someone else as a counterbalance to prove to me the invalidity of my non-solute self-worthlessness. I believed I needed love, and I sought love, and I fell, and I fell for the greater part of this year. Twice over again, the same thing, twice going through the exact same experience-- with the pain requiring to be increased to awaken me from my willingness to concede to the will of my mind and continue existing as my mind. --- I’m going back to that point of self-quantification, so that, everything I do in every moment of every day can be fearlessly held in front of the world’s eyes for judgment- so that I can Know to the core of my being that judgment is invalid.
so, also, no need to “freak out” and polarize this. I will not be exempted from the requirement of self-responsibility and self-accountability in every moment-- and if I am not consistent in my application I will not notice polarity, Bernard Poolman said that "we have the space of one breath to see what we are doing" and if I fall into polarity, I will know this because everything will unravel into a maze of hopeless confusion. I have experienced that before, a desperate and horribly confusing experience of searching for the right thing to do--
So forgetting or allowing myself to forget and fall back into allowing the mind-patterns to run my behavior and my will-- will become absolutely unacceptable-- because I will forget myself completely and will fuck myself for quite a long time. As has already happened. -So the quantification of myself is not about right and wrong-- this is absolutely critical--- but is a support mechanism that can be integrated into my prison of the mind so that I know who I am, so that I can know what I stand for, no matter what, no matter what is the trend, no matter what is seen as right and wrong in the context of my culture. and this is self-worth that I can trust no matter what.
Another critical point is that this is not at all about my becoming or proving myself to be special. Three years ago Bernard Poolman told me:
“Sorry, but unfortunately this is about a system that will work for everyone, and not about a system that will only work for some.”
I did not understand what he meant, but now it is becoming more apparent. This is about becoming a living symbol for everyone, because this is the fastest way to correct all of reality- and not just me.
1. Stability
2. Equality
3. Humility
I must reduce myself into a state where I can demonstrate to everyone how to deal with the mind, no matter how reduced they as myself might be. If I have any wants, any aspirations, hopes, desires for myself, or delusions of grandeur that I am not able to let go of, it is only a matter of time before reality tears the ilusion constructs out from my body. ---As One and Equal I must support myself as reality. This is how I am able to stop non-solute self-worthlessness. I create worth in my world as the principle of equality. And then I live that, I live my life as the ultimate test,
slowly and surely, step by step, breath by breath
word by word by word
everything done clearly and simply in the context of equality, simple and clear to me and everyone else so that mistakes and misunderstandings can be minimized maximally
I subject myself to the ultimate test. Thats my participation with Equal Money- the test. Can I program self to work for, and only for, what is best for all? In absolute selflessness? That is mastery of my self.
I am afraid that I will be rejected-- that I will not be loved or accepted-- but I will continue, my application must be tested, even if I am unloved and unaccepted.
I am hopeful that I will be exhalted for a special accomplishment-- I stop myself from this and see that my words are equal with everyone-- anyone and everyone is able to type these simple words, so private grateness is invalid-- I am only what is here as this world and nothing more, nothing less. That is real.
