sharing my experiences as I work on the first assignment for ITD
thought/reaction I have towards a circumstantial perception of myself:
1.Special - 1b."finish before others” - 1c.“read fast”
1c = 3rd grade reading federal test. Sitting in teacher’s office. I couldn’t pronounce the word “city” correctly. I say “kity”. and I am wrong, and I am so disappointed. I feel like the teacher must like me less.
1b = winning. attention. Female attention. -I assume: mother’s reaction to my federal test scores.
1ba - “winning” - with father in the boyscouts toy plane race. I win the first of three trials. I thought that I had won the entire thing. Tears fell from my eyes because I was so happy that I had won. I was kind of embarrassed to be crying in front of my father and other people.
Main points of reaction:
1. Mother’s attention for high reading scores / 3rd grade / “I’m good at reading”
2. Inferiority / fear of my father’s suppression / believing I can ‘fix it’ by winning/ achieving
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally, my parents reactions and feelings that they have towards who they are in the context of their world as programmed values, beliefs and faith in the world systems.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not good enough because mom isn’t happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this inferiority and depression, wanting to seem strong to others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as this idea I have extensively created and developed a relationship towards; this idea being the idea of “others”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself into believing that by manipulating “others” (apparently), I can ‘control reality’ to a point where I would “be”, in all potential circumstances, “not weak”.
-this is how anger is created by suppressing sadness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design myself as a reactive self-value system that functions to deceive “others”, not at all noticing or considering that I am only fucking with myself. -and poorly, too.
-this understanding of my own participating in the deliberate 'giving power to’ ‘the problem’, in moments of pain when I am alone, I understand exactly what is going on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist what is here, what is going on. It is futile.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that “I can’t handle” this idea I experience of “what others may think about me”
that’s the truth of me. That “image” that “others” “must" be thinking about me --and the gripping paranoia and obsession: is that others will see “who I am”. That is an exact reflection of “how I value and see myself”. I’ve always believed ‘the abuser’, the ‘one who hated, despised and deeply loathed me’ was ‘out there and to be hidden from’.
That’s how I’m able to justify the fucking abuse- is through self-victimization. The belief that “if it wasn’t for ‘this thing’ that is ‘attacking me’ ‘from the outside’, THEN I would ‘be able to enjoy myself and be free’--if it wasn’t for ‘this thing’. (acne or whatever) No personal responsibility is taken into account in this consideration. Complete giving up, complete excuse making, hiding.
Memories that Im referring to as I make these statements: The hell that was highschool with my acne as I would run from bathroom to bathroom in between classes applying makeup in terror and horrible depression as I judged, loathed and tore at the skin on my face. Fearing that “somewhere out there” a monster existed that hated me for how inexcusably weak I had become.
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“Therefore, forgiveness with corrective application is important. If you do forgiveness and just speak the words- its not gonna do anything”
...
holy fucking jesus.
