One of my greater realizations in the Desteni process thus far is that I actually have to plan ahead to sit down and make time to work with my mind-constructs.
So I do not have too long before the dogs will start getting restless, but I will sit down today and type out what has happened to me this day:
I woke up at 3pm. Usually such odd sleeping-hours means that I have overslept/ have not set or heeded the alarm clock--
and usually I will start my day sour, angry at myself and depressed that I am not “something which can work 18 hour days”. I desire to ‘be-that’ and so I get emotional about having “failed”.
It functions self-perpetuatingly, my relationship with sleep. This is one mind-system I have hardly paid any attention to, but it is a very 'loud’ influence in my life.
I always “put it off”, you know- I never have seriously sat down with myself and 'worked out’ my sleeping.
I mean... I have “tried”... but at the first sign of failure I give up completely and have to go through the whole process again of trial-and-error before I get to a point of such ridiculous emotional pain about it that I say: Okay. Enough. I am going to have to work out some kind of intervention to address this. I am going to have to set my alarm clock on a louder setting ect.
-but this “intervention”, its not really “what it takes” to change myself-- it is not self-forgiveness. It is more like a desperate throw at a chance-shot that I might be able to stabilize myself, with the hope that if I do, then I will feel good about myself/ will feel ‘powerful’/ will feel ‘important’/ will feel like ‘I am somebody who girls will want’.
-but within all of that there is really no consideration for what is actually going on- that is, what events are continuing to happen that lead up to me crashing-out at night and then refusing to wake up in the morning because I don’t want to be depressed that I fell asleep.
--so yes, that is what usually happens but it did not happen today because I had stayed up all the night and morning previous, so I was overdue for sleep/ and I hadn’t slept long so I was not “weak”/ “a failure”, according to this system.
-but... see I am believing that my having stayed up all night last night is a solution to this problem- it is not!
I just feel better about myself because “now I look strong”!
So sleep. I said I was going to write about my day, but I guess I will write about my relationship with sleep. This seems to be important enough anyway.
So... for a long time with Desteni I have wanted to and have felt-like I “should be able to work 18 hour days”.
-but it has never happened... well actually it has happened a few times but not very many.
-well I have to go walk the dogs I guess I am done for now. I don’t want to save this and then come back and edit it... I would rather just start over again the next time. So I am going to post what I have written so far.
