Here in every moment it is my responsibility to express me honestly, and from my experience, honestly assess what is going on in me and then direct things accordingly. Unconditionally without exception.
In my life I have faced a point many, many times, where I will be required to really push myself to 'go somewhere' and 'become and live' something that I really, really do not want to go through. It seems as if every fiber of my being is being rubbed the wrong way, and so there must, must be something 'inherrently wrong' with this application. Like, for example I will list what comes to me right now: entertainment eating, walking my dogs, making certain my alarm clock is set so that I will sleep 4 hours, not engaging my father in a point of competition for inferiority/superiority, and then also 'applying myself as stability and consistency' in my online presence.
I will list these points again to flag them for myself so that in my daily experience of me, I can use my memory to support me and give myself the authority to use these symbols of my enslavement to symbolically prove to me that, no matter what, I will stand for myself as self-responsibility and the self-directive principle of my self-expression.
Entertainment Eating
Walking My Dogs
Sleeping 4 Hours
Not engaging with my father
Working for the Equality movement online
So at the begininng of my writing this, I was "completely stumped" and was watching that, if I were to start writing, I knew that I would just go off into a 'falling into' dispair and self-pity about how much of a failure I am.
and obviously there is no need to feed that. There is no need to go into that, and obviously going into that is not actually me stopping and dealing with this problem. This problem that I am not consistent in my applicaiton of myself in my world, and so I experience a mis-understanding of who I am and why I do the things I do. This is probably very much a part of how I decieve myself into continuing to try and hide from myself in comfort and pleasure, this deliberate "constantly changing the rules", so that I don't ever have to REALLY stand stable and face the unrelenting, undiluted, raw complete-ness of the forces I have apparently allowed to control and influence me, to enslave and direct me in my life.
"It seems as if every fiber of my being is being rubbed the wrong way, and so there must, must be something 'inherrently wrong' with this application."
yea also in this is the point of "oh how can it be so bad when it is such a 'little' thing"?
yea. The 'badness' is that I am still existing as the mind and still allowing myself to participate in the mind's symbols. As much as I don't want to stop the mind: THAT is what I am going to be facing when I give myself the opportunity to use these symbols (like entertainment eating) to stop. I am going to see, to live exactly how much I don't want to stop. It makes perfect sense, its like a mirror. So I know, that when I am facing this MASSIVE, overwhelming resistance, that I have effectively organized my life into a place where I have the power to really cut some fucking wires.
It seems I have needed to go through this process of organizing things like that, that I have not been able to simply apply myself effectively in the moment... but what does this difference matter in the end, anyway? Comparing the idea of two minds to 'see which one is better'... come on. Thats just fucking absurd.
So now, I know what I have to do. I have to fucking live this shit. With no exceptions. For no other reason than the singular purpose that I will myself to stop this madness in all ways and in every opportunity.
