So about 30 minutes ago I jumped up from the computer and ran into my mother's room.
This is a point I have delt with many, many times.
Hope for Love- because I don't want to experience myself here.
I run into my mother's room. Knowing she is going to react and judge me to be an 'unworthy male', I still seek to have her accept me as 'childish' so that I can be given permission to stop experiencing myself as inferior and meek. - that's why I got up in the first place- to avoid a point that came up while working on the computer, where I found myself to be 'negative'- in the sense that 'I am unworthy of my life'
So I give in to this deep, subtle reaction of inferiority, in the very instant that I experience this 'feeling of unworthyness', I am already out of the chair and going to my mother. In a split-second moment, I am suddenly living out the pattern of 'seeking to suppress and avoid' this void of 'unworthyness'
As I move towards my mother, I am existing in hope for an experience where another will 'give me a relationship in which I am not required to 'be a male'. and in this statement I place myself completely in her power, I make myself completely dependant on her in order to even be able to support myself.
and I already know that the chances are extremely slim that she will be able to accept me unconditionally without reacting. She will likely react to my 'odd', 'childish', 'mommy stop ignoring me and help me' personality that I will be living out. She will say to me "you are not manly enough, you are unworthy of being my son. I deserve better." (If only I was lucky that she would actually come out and speak these things- but, unfortunately I am not given this 'rawness' to support myself in seeing the raw nature of reality, as my mother does not want to see who she in in relation to me. She will hide these judgments behind different forms of blame- supporting me to farther compound and suppress and create me as something that will 'be unable to deal with' this experience of "unworthyness"
Therfore this that I am describing is a form of energetic self-abuse. I am willing to put myself through these experiences, to continue feeding the illusion that these thoughts and feelings of hope are actually valid.
...
So- I just got up and went into my mother's room and flaty told her: "You've never really been there for me. You have only pretended to. Sending me to a shrink, sending me to some random guy so that he can fix me- is not you standing up for me. You never stood up to my father when I was a child and now that I am an adult you never help me stand up for my father. You've only pretended to want to help me to salvage your self-image."
(A point that has come up between us before: my mother will blame me for her misgivings about this family, claiming that she spent lots of money on me, by sending me to several therapists (3 psychologists and a psychiatrist), so this large ammount of money proves that she is not at fault for 'the negative parts' of this family and therfore it must be my fault. -I have before 'faltered' at this argument of hers, believing that there is probably 'out there' some kind of "truth" in this argument, and that, yes, this is reality, and this is 'who I am', in some kind of deep, dark corner of the universe: that I must be 'the reason why' my family has gone to pot.)
This was not said while the two of us were in a conflict of energy, so I think the message really hit home... meaning that I just instilled alot of guilt and shame in her. I want to now go back and try to allieviate this experience in my mother, but, this guilt and shame actually supports her. Going back into her room, to take responsibility for her, so that she can 'feel okay', this is not supportive. If she wanted to stop guilt and shame, she would come to me to talk.
I notice that in my writing there is still blame towards my mother.
Usually, when I go to her to be given permission to escape myself as 'unworthyness', and she instead tells me that 'I am unworthy'...
I go into absolute rage. I have been angry enough to consider extreme violence and destruction- I have considered destroying my entire life, literally tearing down this entire house. Really interesting crap. Will I have to 'destroy absolutely everything' before I realize that I cannot escape myself?
So. Here are the facts:
1. I am dependant on things that are instable
2. I am blaming these instable things for my own instability
3. I am not noticing that I am the creator, that I am responsible for my reality
4. I am not taking responsibility for me, therfore, accepting and allowing blame towards my mother is just self-abuse
I forgive myself for accepting self-abuse by allowing myself to follow thoughts and energy of anger and blame- projected towards my mother as if she was the creator of my experience. I am creating, accepting and allowing this illusion and self-limitation to exist, because it is required to 'seem this way' in order to validate the illusion that my personality is actually 'functional' in 'reality'. I am blaming my mother to justify not wanting to give up my personality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear existing without my personality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I require my personality to exist
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be special
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect my responsibility to support and direct myself for the consideration about how I can manipulate circumstances to make myself feel special
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my value in the world by energy as thoughts, emotions and feelings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and value myself 'by how valuable I am to others as a symbol of their emotional addictions'
I forgive myself for accepting myself to neglect and reject and deny reality, deny myself, by allowing me to 'float away' into the mind, into this ethereal world of thoughts as symbols of emotions.
I am addicted to emotions. I do not know how to exist without emotions. It is time to realize that this addiction will end sooner or later, there is no way out, there is no escape, there is no way to hide from the fact that this emotional addiction is not real, is not valid, is not stable-
therfore, it is my responsibility to (if I have the slightest consideration for myself, if I care about myself one little bit...), begin a process of self-direction so that these 'contextually-based' emotions, can be placed into a 'new-context' where a kind of 'stability' is possible- and this makes everything much, much easier, because there is 'no more room' for 'self-doubt' to creep into the scinario, because everything has been made 'more definate'. More straightforward, everything is more consistent.
All in all, this process is self-direction, self-responsibility, self-dedication, self-accountability. What else in this world is worth living for?
