I got home from school today to find almost every single one of my (previously) neatly organized things in a much-less organized pile outside of the home, with all the doorknobs and locks changed. Mom threw me out to go and live with her ex-husband. I was so dependant on that stuff being organized- I had so much trust in that arrangement of things... alot of time and energy went into setting all of that up to support me in becoming effective and self-directive in the world. I trusted and relyed on it so much.
So now I am living again with my father.
I really did not want to go back and live with my father. I probably sobbed for 45 straight minutes. At one point before the crying, I snapped and knocked a bunch of shit over, thought about stabbing myself with a screwdriver but directed the energy towards the wall - then I fell to my knees and yelled at my father, asking him how I was ever going to be able to sort out my life. I told my dad that I did not want to live with him and that he was pathetic and treated himself horribly. He yelled at me back. I curled into a ball and commensed protracted periods of gut-wrenching sobs.
Now, I have to be patient. I am going to have to wait at least a couple days before I can get all my things organized again. Before this happens I'm going to have to apologize for calling my mother a cunt, and tell her that I was wrong, for absolutely no profit to myself in any way whatsoever. Just like Jake Green in the movie Revolver.
