So I just walked in on my father and his girlfriend playing fuck games while I am living in his small house with him, after being thrown out of my mother’s house.
I am extremely upset and angry about this.
I am not going to allow myself to fester in this emotional mire, unsupported, unfulfilled just rotting and spoiling inside myself until I go sour about it and then just become self-pitiful, cold and bitter, seeking when possible to manipulate people about this.
Instead I am going to write it out and support myself.
Just my Dad playing with his cock while his girlfriend watched- I was like 10 feet away in the other room, studying (self-pity “oh look at how innocent I am” coming up) and they were acting like this was not happening. I mean, I could hear them, their tones of voice while I was here. I did not want to “face” it in myself. I could have just stood up to this, without having to see the “hard and ugly truth” and simply have spoken myself as I felt “OKAY. OUT”
...but I didn’t. I ‘asked’ them to leave. Without ‘dealing’ with ‘the problem’, and so I was disregarded. That is an indication of my value in this family.
...
Let me re-explain that, now that I read it a second time. It is a very hazy explanation:
I am sitting at the small townhouse’s only desk, studying my political stuff for school- and my father and his girlfriend are together in his room, talking bullshit blah blah crap to each other in these fake tones of voice. They often do this while I am here. The door was open and these sounds were bothering me, especially the ‘softer than normal’ tone of voice.
I wanted to speak out- but I was afraid of “looking bad”, meaning that I allowed a point of self-judgment to influence and direct me. Still, in anger, I resisted (and charged) this point and so ‘spoke out anyway’. --But even there, I notice that my expression was still suppressed by my allowance of fear that existed in response to the self-judgment.-- I said.
“Look. I’m trying to study. Why don’t you guys go hang out at Loli’s (the girlfriend) house or close the door”
(I was aware that I was already 'agitated' by the studying, which I was resisting, and did not trust my discomfort with the situation.)
My father said (in that disturbing ‘softer than normal’ voice) that "they would whisper" or some fucking stupid bullshit like that, probably charging his sex-system with that kind of ‘we could get caught’ kind of fucking bullshit.
(So here. In this situation is where I must express myself fully. I should stand up to all fear and self-limitation and simply speak myself unconditionally. “I am uncomfortable with this situation. I want it to change.”)
A little later I was talking to him/them about some political thing or whatever (...it is pretty obvious now that I spoke to him only from the motivation that I was angry that he was disregarding me. That I still allow myself to be valued, driven and enslaved by the value I attach to where I am placed in my father's world.) and in the middle of this "conversation", I got up and walked into my father's room to get some antiseptic for a pimple I have picked that is on my nose. While walking into the bathroom I saw that my father was only wearing his underwear, and rubbing his dick to stimulate himself and his girlfriend who was watching. I pretended not to notice, glitching, and quickly walked out of the room. My father also continued to pretend like nothing had happened. its like he’s molesting himself and me. at points durring this, I wanted to cry for him and me.
a few minutes afterwards, I became very angry. I decided not to continue pretending like I had seen nothing and went into the garage and I called my sister and asked her to come here, to my father’s house, just to make the statement that “yes. We are the ‘children’ in this family-unit and we require our ‘place’ to be considered and honored within the context of our social-value.” -I did not have the words at the moment to express that this is what I wanted.
My sister was not at all interested in supporting me anyway. She just "wanted to hear the story". Which, at the time, I was still reacting to, and did not want to face the point of "watching my father molest himself and me". I was resisting explaining to her specifics, and although still acting out my male ego through the statement of "being disrespected", my voice broke and I almost began to cry. - my sister disregarded me and only became angry that I would not satisfy her curriosity about 'the specific story. I told her that my dad was masturbating, and that this should be enough information for her.
(later she called back and pushed the point again, wanting the 'whole story' justifying herself by saying: "well if you just saw them sitting on the bed together then you are just over-reacting and I need to know what is going on. It sounds like you are just over-reacting because you won't talk about what you saw." She does not want to face that in herself either.)
tshhhhzjesus fucking christ. What a mess.
but I mean... its just masturbation.
so my sister would not come. But she was still influenced by the sexual abuse (that is some DEEP shit in everyone, apparently) that exists in her, and so acted in "charity"- she later called my mother and told her to come and pick me up in her car and take me to her house. To hide and farther suppress the sex-point.
(My mom. The woman who intentionally sent me to my dad's house.)
My father tried to spy on me while I was talking to my sister. I was in the garage facing a car and I saw his reflection in the window as he stood behind me. "Subtly" poking his head in the door to see what I was seeing. I felt bad, I always feel bad seeing my father "alone" like this... yet, at the same time I spoke louder so that he could hear how I felt about this. I think I used the word "inappropriate" even, to justify why I wasn't going to talk with her about exactly what I saw. I was really possessed. I was just rambling and raving to my sister, not noticing how I was not directly dealing with her concerns. Only concerned with "my" problems. (that is a trait that is heavily existant in my father.)
(Here is what I was avoiding to explain to her:
“I walked into the open door to get antiseptic cream for a pimple on my nose and my dad was in his underwear showing his penis to his girlfriend. He tried to hide himself when I saw this and I pretended like I didn’t.”)
In the garage I lost connection with my sister on the cell-phone. I left the garage, wanting to cry, but suppressing this. I eneded up just "saying loudly": "Fuck!". I was relieved that there was this 'outlet' so that I would not have to break down helpless and start crying in front of my father.
At this point the girlfriend had left.
Then, about 10 minutes later, my sister had called my dad and told him that my mother was coming to 'get me' in her car. I overheard and resisted. Saying "NOO!" -I called my mom.
Mom taled with me me on the phone ‘in a nice and sweet voice’. I told her not to come. I mean... I 'wanted' her pity and attention- but it is just such a toxic fucking drug that I wasn't even willing to touch it. (Its "heartbreaking". Mother will probably just have "hurt feelings" because she has destroyed her family and now lives alone, avoiding her parents and being manipulated and disregarded by the daughter she wants to use to feel like she is not alone.) I just told her no. No I don't want your pity, but thank you very much and goodbye.
So all I have done by calling my sister is end up pushing my father farther away from me because now he will feel like I will sell him out to 'the women' if he fucks up... this is just me wanting to be included and accepted. Dont trust those previous words. Its just me 'wanting to be one of the guys'. Really fucked up and sick shit.
...
There were points where I was on the phone with my sister talking about this, just "completely stuck". There was "nowhere for me to go". "Nothing for me to say". "I wanted to just 'leave' / stop talking with her." Me completely "stuck" in my ego.
