So I just got out of the car after going to “buy birthday presents” for my father’s birthday-consumerism-cult-disgraceful-meaningless-distraction-celebration that will be taking place in a few hours come morning.
We first went to the store and bought him some sugar and other things, and then my sister asked me if I wanted to see her dorm.
I said okay, but told her that I would not go if she was going to be fighting again with her boyfriend on the phone.
She and him fight often. Their relationship is very abusive, but I am really unaware of any kind of specifics.
My sister has kept this shit-show extremely secret. That is apparent now.
Which is fascinating... because my mother is much like that. My father holds many grudges against my mother and her family, one of them is her (and their) tendency to keep everything extremely secretive. I have believed my sister to be “an individual”-and I have not recognized this in her... but now I see her making the same gestures, the same tonal expressions that my mother does. Individuals don’t exist.
Also on that point I will address how I have also noticed in myself a tendency to behave in similar ways as does my father. Emotional, behavioral, physical gestures, tonal expressions. This point will be coming up later in the story.
back to my sister’s relationship with her boyfriend, Drew.
I should have been more aware of the dire straints of this relationship as it exists now, and that is not to go into the spiral of self-reprimandation, but just to notice how obvious it actually has been, how I had all the evidence, in plenty, that I would have needed to surmise that the relationship is not stable, and is continuing to exist in the same spurts of abusiveness that I have seen before.
There have been many times. Where she has been locked in her room screaming on the phone. At least once incident in addition to tonight has happened, where I have been sitting in the car while she is “getting her stuff” away from her boyfriends residence.
Sick, obsessed, indulgent, willingly ignorant, blinded, binded, ill, repulsive, deliberately delusional FUCKING BULLSHIT.
-THAT IS “LOVE”
So tonight, after going to the dorm and blah blah blah- I am again sitting in my sister’s car as she weeps and alludes to horrible things that are taking place between her and her boyfriend:
“I try so hard.”
”You don‘t know how mean he is to me”
“He just always tells me I’m not worth shit.”
I started to repeat the point, over and over:
“You have to stop”
“You have to break up with Drew”
“You are not supporting yourself”
“You are abusing yourself”
she moved into “I love Drew”
and I started to take a more direct and “loud" tone with her, repeating these points:
“You have to stop”
“You have to break up with Drew”
“You are not supporting yourself”
“You are abusing yourself”
These points I kept repeating over and over the entire car-ride home. She was extremely emotional and continued to justify her continued participation in this sick relationship.
I brought up how, if she would not stop, I would be willing to bring in an aunt, or cousin, or SOMEONE- to tell her to stop.
She reacted in complete, absolute defense-mode. She said I was threatening her.
She started yelling and screaming over me.
I yelled and screamed back, not from anger. There was one point where the anger started to “fill me entirely”, and I was afraid, that has not happened before, and I ‘did not go there’. I was screaming:
“IF YOU WANT TO HURT YOURSELF AND FUCK UP YOUR LIFE WHAT YOU WANT MEANS FUCKING BULLSHIT!"
then- as I yelled
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND!??"
I noticed how much "force" was able to be put into that sound with me becoming the expression of just pure, raw anger. I would have really enjoyed it.
...
continuing:
I would not “bend” and drop the “I will bring in our distant and unfamiliar Aunt Kim” point- she became possessed with having me agree to “never betray her” like that.
(Within absolute self-trust, anger can be extremely effective.
but
With any dishonesty, allowing myself to justify abuse as anger, and calling it “support”- the consequences of will be horrific. I could hurt somebody badly.)
but, because I “fell” at that point of using anger as it would be required to ‘meet par’ with my sister’s attempt at dominance, she did not stop. She would have if I had ‘gone there’ ohhhhh I should have. I know I would have been effective.
She did not stop and ended with:
“If you tell Aunt Kim... you will regret it”
I was anxious and angry about this, and not ‘angry’ in the “pure expression of anger as support”, that I mentioned earlier, but only: ‘pissed off that I have had my control taken from me’ -and thusly wanting to make threats back, which I didn’t.
Yes. So that was the experience. She is engaged in an all but physically abusive relationship, she blames Drew, that much is apparent from her repeated use of this phrase
“He keeps shitting on me”
in the context of my sister’s vocabulary and general word-use... this is an extremely crude and vulgar expression. That is some vile mind shit.
and she does not want to face the world without hope- so she allows and participates in this fucked up abuse.
---
okay. I said this earlier:
“Also on that point I will address how I have also noticed in myself a tendency to behave in similar ways as does my father. Emotional, behavioral, physical gestures, tonal expressions. This point will be coming up later in the story.”
but it did not turn out to be relevant in with the rest of the stuff. it would have been ‘disorganized’. I will address that point in my next post.
