fucking hell
fuck
I know nothing else.
This is why I haven’t faced myself.
Breathing is the ultimate proof.
I haven’t faced myself because I gave up on me a long time ago and I am still living out the patterns.
I am so fucking programmed.
How did it get so fucking bad... to the point where this is all I believe?
even when, and it must be, frequently, disproved- how is it that this is all I believe and all that I notice?
All that I notice... is... that I am not good enough. That I am somehow wrong, sickened, weak. How can this be the only thing that exists?
Tonight I told my father about how an administrator in the school thought that I was “a danger to myself and others”
I had to agree. I have been a danger to myself and a danger to others. That is my mind.
but I wanted someone to support me within that, I wanted to have someone accept me for this.
I did not want to be alone.
I brought it up to my father, asking him to ‘agree with me’ that ‘i am not this way’ and ‘accept me’
he would not. He told me that I was stupid. Thats how he feels about himself and he doesn’t see.
I yelled at him. I told him I was stupid. I told him I was stupid for even trying to bring him into this. I yelled at him and this has effect, this actually moves him now, I told him to stay the fuck out.
I feel- I am still feeling this, I am actually feeding it as I write and run the memories through my head, charging these points, it is unspeakable self-loathing. I want to blame my father. At least that way I can have someone to attack, some gain to be possible in this situation so that to ‘only option’ does not become me tearing the fuck out of my skin.
If that happened, I would have to go through the experience of “losing everything”
wait. If I said that I am feeding these points as I write, -woah. Slouching quite a bit there- why did I not stop? Well- now I’m “talking to other people”
nope.
Not this time. No one here but me.
I am so sad. I am sad that it has to be like this, that I have to deal with this
self-pity.
self-pity.
What is this?
Should I even ask?
What is the point?
What do I need to move?
Ahhhh. There it is.
Am I breathing?
no.
why not?
I am thinking. I am thinking about why I am such a worthless piece of good-for nothing useless shit.
So stop that. Obviously.
jesus fucking christ.
I never want to see another human being ever again.
Why?
Because then they will see how I have changed. The ‘difference’ would reveal my shame and they would burn and hate me?
Nope. Not really.
Wait- no
No. I write to me so that I can see what is going on in my mind. I am not looking for a group to fucking be involved with. Fuck that. Fuck all of that I’m so fucking sick of that shit.
Dad is coming out of his room.
I am not going to talk to him.
Wait I just did. I delay.
I am not going to talk to him in there. I am going to wait and make sure that I am only doing this shit so that I can remain functional in the system as a point of self-direction that is grounded in myself as self-direction but is not influenced by ‘that shit’.
Breathe.
Fuck,
mother fucking piece of shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck hell fucking hell crap shit ass fuck.
FUCK
breathe.
I don’t know what to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
Lots of points flare up
(I want to be special. I want to impress them. I want and can become greater than all of them.)
in that forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush self-forgiveness so that I can achieve a state
breathe
of mind where I am charged and feeling good about myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist, deny, avoid and hide from inferiority, the lived experience of inferiority.
If I am unwilling-
not that. That last one was a point of trying to sound like Bernard.
arrogant fuck
okay.
breathe.
breathe,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself in the application of self-forgiveness because I am seeking energy, I am seeking a state of being to avoid and forget how I feel about myself.
This is the same point as what is fucking me up with my studying and destroying my ability to remain stable within ‘studying’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
Im not going anywhere.
“god kill me now”
breathe.
I don’t know what to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction.
breathe
1234
1234
1234
1234
1234
12
breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sepparate me from me ehere
point came ip-
“I want to kill all of them”
lol
all of who?
Desteni?
lol
I dare you.
fuckingd
enough of that.
lol
breathe,
lol
breathe
1234
123
41234
1234
1234
1234
1234
1234
1234
Dad just stood behind me,
I am afraid he saw me writing
Will he betray me like the rest of them?
What am I afraid of losing?
M
Y
F A M I L Y
?
I dont think so
breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being attacked by my fathers systems
1234
1234 breathe
I always forget to breathe wehen typing tht
1234
h234
e23 breathe
I did it again
in234
ou234
w123
e
damn.
okay enough of that
inhale
hold
exhale
hold
inhale
damn lol I forgiv- whoops,
lol
forgot.
out234
again
in
“i forgot again”
out
lol
in
SO this is what i must do it seems.
Like the best life coach that can exist.
I must exist in constant movement, so that I never sit stagant and forget myself and fall prey to the systems...
I would never have been able to fo this without desteni....
in
why is that>
out
in
hold
out
hold
in
I dont like the four count
out
I dont like holding my breath in for four seconds
out
234
In
youtube must stop
out
Why?
in
it is a mess.
wait
I am separated
stop
IN hold
out hold
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and breathing
so that is self-honesty
I will make use of that term god damn it to hell
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me into two parts that talk to each other
that happens
in
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self-judgment for separating myself into two parts because I believe there there is no way that “I” can handle all parts on my own.
fuck
I wnat to make a youtube video-
“I want to make a youtube video where I show this off to... J-something-Jesus. He was really cool. So smooth and admirable
In
Hold
Out
hold
damn..
wheres muy fuckingfireworks
out
lol
...
in
sitting up
okay.
I have to deal with this point.
Breathe...
breathe.
out
hold
in
hold
out
hold
self-judgment thought: “what will I look like to others?”
no more than that. It is mind. Stop and breathe.
I miss the point when I move in to investigate and “find out what is wrong with me”
obviously
in - hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
out
hold
In
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as the point of inferiority
in
hold
out
I want to give up oin this.
It is taking to long.
out
hold
No.
nonono
In,,,,
hols
out
hold.
I want to eat.
in
hold
out
hold
I want others to think I am great
hold
out
breathe,
hold
In
hole
out
hld
rub nose.
oout
hold
right nare left index on upward rub
two points of painfulness-
septum tingles left thumb and index pinch-rub
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to violate and judge my body
“violate”
good bad
food evil
IN
hold
out
hold
lol
oh shit
:food” evil
was sipposed to be
“good” evil
In
slouching a little
in
hold
out
hold
in
eyes getting fidgety
out
so what am I foing to do?
I want to experience pain.
Should I put my head under the water>
in
lol
hold
out
breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.
hold
out
hold
In
hold
out
hold
I want to do this shit fucking perfect
out
hold
In
hold
out
respond to the dog, now.
In
I need no food right now
respond t o the fosg, now
In
...
okay.
Fuck
my back hurts
fuck
fuck
in
fuck
out
lol
Im drinking tea/
in
out
okay
in
okay
wait
out
this is turning shitty
shit-stained
(want to be special)
fuck
in
hold
out
hold
my back hurts. back middle lower left
out
in
what
out
to do.
In
hold
out
hold
in
hold
out
hod
in
hold
out
hold
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from judgment
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from applying self-trust
out
self trust is a tool, not a toy
in
I justify it because I first want to “prove” myself
out
resisting, charging and avoiding inferiority
hold
in
hold
out
hold
in
hold
out
I MUST stop all inferiority points
thoughts of comparison
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give head to points of inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing inferiority to control me
in
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as my thoughts of inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts of comparing my value to others
If I wasn’t such a fucking sweetie I would be jealous as shit of everyone
In
lol
out
something wrong with that
in
out
hold
in
slowing down breathing
right ear is ringing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself by attention
out
I forgive mys-
okay this point is not active...
not active?
I activate it.
I forgive myself for accepting...
I dont want ti
uts so boring
Im just lookin g for something to do
in
where am I?
fuck
fucker
FUCK!
in
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and breathing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
in
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in hope for a better experience
In
hold
out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and escape from me, here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize* me for ‘having to experience it this way’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself TO FEED THE VICTIM
holy fuck
thats pretty.... ugly
in
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and abuse myself with self-pity and self-victimization by deliberately abusing myself so that I can enter into a state where I will justify continuing!
WHAT THE FUCK
In
hold
out
hold
getting fidgety in myself. I will stand through all of it and get myself out of this.
I am giving myself no other option
“but I want to hide!”
this is the design of the mind, it seems/
to avoid realizing itself
inhale
hold
exhale
hold
my back really hurts
sitting up a little straighter.
Maya said to hold up my neck.
Okay. That is better.
In
I forgive myself - nahhhh
it doesn’t feel legitimate.
Okay, I have lots of schcoolwork to do.
Lets do it well.
Fuck.
No.
Im not going to do that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as absolute self-responsibility and self-direction in my breathing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing inferiority to exist in me
center chest pain
out
hold
inhale
ssneeze
inhale
hold
exhale
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need “a cocky” personality design to get me through this
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from what must be done, here in every moment as self-direction as breathing as I birth me as life itself as the living experience
...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self pity because of what I experience and what I do to myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to pity because I define it as love
EW!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want older women and to pursue situations where older women love me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need my mother’s energy to function
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself inhale
to become addicted to my mother’s attention
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself for the sake of this energy
Its a drug, DANA!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysself to define me as bad/wrong if I exist without my mother’s energy
energy cycles of addiction. Highs and Downs.
Inhale
exhale
“I just can’t handle every point that comes up”
Inhale
no, I can’t.
Thats why I’m here
exhale.
Split personality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘the object that’s worth is to be assessed’
Inhale
“I’m never going to get out of this”
Like FUCK I’m not
like fuck I’m not
inhale
exhale
more of dad’s ‘I hate myself I am disgusting’ yawning
tsh
he believes he is comfortable
... like jubba the hut.
lol
ihale
exhale
like the father in “dantes inferno”
interesting
inhale
exhale
I fogive myself for accepting and
legs tired- move them
allowing myself to fall into the fucking useless entertainment mindfuck about information
exhale
inhale
hold
fuck
exhale
okay.
I have work to do.
I am going to go and sit in my room for 15 minutes and just breathe.
I WANT TO BE ALONE
I want stability
I want to be able to use these time-breaks to stabilize myself in between periods of movement
inhale
OUT
