Okay so I got myself home from school about 3 hours ago. I ate too much bread then watched too much Max Keiser. I have work to do.
I have been neglecting my schoolwork.
I must stay up-to-scratch on my schoolwork.
So, I will type here and investiagte this problem which is interfering with my life for at least recently and probably much father back.
The problem seems to me at this point to be a form of 'depression'.
a "lacking"
this is like "critical shit"
that comes up in these moments where: "I know exactly what I have to do"
WAKE UP
I see the mind system functioning, I have set up my life where I am in a context where I can face head-on the compounded shit that has built up and
obviously
controlled my life without my awareness or participation- but when I SEE what I am facing, just 'what exactly is going on' (-meaning: Let us say I know I must read 30 pages of dense stuff tongiht. I "know exactly" what it is going to be like but then start to go off into the mind and resist. What do I do in this mind-system when I resist? What are the wants? What am I seeking? What are the specific thoughts?
I think "awww maaannn... that is so shitty. I don't want to do that."
but then... the question becomes "well what else is there for me to do?"
Drugs?
Sex?
No.
No.
These things are not on the menu tonight.
So
what else is there for me to do...
"I want... something..."
and then I slouch my back like a shrimp and place all the weight of my head into my hand and start fucking around doing.... oh my god. I would not be suprised to find out at the end of the show that in the course of this life of mine, that I have spent at least a good, solid year worth of time just, literally "fucking around".
"Doing nothing" - fucking sitting there doing such meaningless, trivial bullshit that it has no place in my memory even.
I would not be suprised to find that out.
So. After I finish this I am going to read. I have to go to school. I have to integrate myself as self-stability in this system. That means school. School is here for process. I must become stable in school. That means reading this book and actually doing it moment by moment, instead of meerly suppressing myself by doing this and 'placing some kind of value' in it so that I can believe that there is 'some kind of higher reason' to justify why I am doing this even though it makes no sense- in effect: 'conditioning myself to become a cubicle-zombie.
So just.... stop fucking around and start integrating all forms of my life into process.
