alright so I have been neglecting this place again.
But I'm back and looksido the page-posting is the one about my sister and her abusive fucking sick shit relationship.
This shit came up the other day.
My sister hit me several times.
I was really angry about it.
(I have a video archeived on my youtube account as unlisted- I will bring the link here and edit it into the post- but I can't log onto youtube and get it now.)
My disposition with anger has changed. I am not as ashamed and separated from it as I was when I was a child.
I wanted to hit her back, and moved like I was going to slap her in the face, but stopped. That is alot like the earlier circumstance where I was going to scream 'forcefully' enough to penetrate to the depths of her, but stopped. Maybe I should have slapped her in the face. I was embarassed because my aunt and cousin were here.
I am not letting her forget the point. Twice now in the last two days I have told her:
"The next time you hit me I am going to pin you to the floor and scream in your face so loud that you will never forget"
I will continue repeating this, to really drive home that it actually MEANS something that she hits me.
But I don't know if I am going to do it or not. Probably not just because there might not be enough space to drag her to the floor without hitting her head on something. Maybe, maybe not. I will not allow her to hit me again. Its not like she can really hurt me without some kind of weapon, but still this point cannot be allowed. She has used weapons before that could have serrsiouly hurt me. I am ashamed of myself and embarassed that this has happened, and that I am 'subject' to this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to internalize my mothers bitter hatred and spite towards my father's anger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and hide from anger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from anger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want vengence on my sister for 'putting me in that position of powerlessness'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist powerlessness by charging anger as a way to 'control' reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and ignore, in spite and separation, this self-judgment about anger that exists in me. -By saying: "Well letting it out' is better than pretending it is not there." --this is total bullshit. It is like I am pretending that to stop anger on my own is impossible, so that I can "come out with it" and simply justify to SATISFY my desire to control and get revenge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out my mother to justify this point of "my being cheated" by my sister
I want my mother to approve of me and admonish my sister, this has existed in me for a LONG time- and I will place it simply:
I am valuing myself by the energy that exists in the family-enslavement construct, and, within this context, my sister's actions are seens as "stealing my value" away from me. and they indeed are. but this is ONLY a relevant consideration when I am motivatied to exist in this world from a starting point of accepting myself to exist as energy, as an enerslave in slavergy, and value myself by this energy.
So- I must simply KNOW and identify this point of jealousy that exists towards my sister and STOP.
god. That is an ugly fucking thing. Jealousy. Such an indulgent and malicious thing.
-------------------
okay here is the link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=facUPFA7ZnI
in the first 7 minutes I bring up a point that happened between me and my cousin.
so if you don't have the time for that point, but want to see the second point that comes up in that video: skip ahead to around 7 minutes when I start talking about my sister.
SO
an interesting thing happened almost immediately after I posted the entry above the -----line.
My sister came home.
"Lydia"
I said.
She ignored me. I began to get angry- I reacted to the point of "her controlling me" but this is bullshit, and I know this, and I would not allow it to control my expression.
"Lydia"
I said again, calmly.
She responded.
"I want to talk about you hitting me."
she reacts and blames me for the situation- believing that her actions were somehow justified. She says somethng like: "Oh you are so pathetic... you're just pretending like that was all that happened and it is only about you hitting me..." [woah. Hows that for a fruedrian slip. Much spite apparently exists in me towards my sister that I am not willing to face. -That makes sense. And it must stop. --What I meant to write was "me hitting you", which was actually what happened. I did not hit her.]
she then 'went to' my dad, using 'exclusion' and 'exclusive relationships' to 'control me'
"do you hear what he's doing dad? hahahaha he pretending like the whole thing is only about me hitting him. How pathetic!"
my dad kind of replyed (while lying on the bed in his underwear)
"Uhhhhhhh blah blah blah uhhhhhhhh"
and at this I stood up: Faced my sister, pulled the chair I was sitting on down to the ground by pulling backwards on the upright 'back part' of the chair (I checked first to make certain that no-body was lying on the ground in the chair's way) to the ground, and I started to scream at my sister.
"IF YOU EVER FUCKING HIT ME AGAIN I AM GOING TO PULL YOU TO THE GROUND AND SCREAM IN YOUR FACE SO LOUD THAT YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO FORGET!! YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOUR FUCKING SELF!!!"
It was not at all like "dominating" or "manly". My movements were kind of "awkward". I gave her a vicious pointer finger ("pointing at YOU") gesture at first and then took a step closer. I got within the 'private space' bubble-
and when standing there I was then was going to grab a drinking glass lying on the adjacent countertop and throw it against the wall, but though better of it, so I instead 'flowed' with that movement 'towards the glass' and (without at all thinking about this) kind of 'used it as a support pillar' as if "I would be blown away if I wasn't hanging on".
I saw my sister's face, she was "frozen". She almost 'shook'. It was like the makeup peeled off of her in that moment. When I was finished yelling I turned around and sat down. My sister threatened to call the cops, and when my father refused to "take her side" she started to "cry". She left the house and slammed the door.
(that thing with my father is interesting. That's like "euqality" because he 'doesn't want to be involved with either of us... "equally". lol)
When this was over, my body was like... "radiating energy". It was really... odd.
Then my father started to go into blaming me for how the family doesn't work. I told him he was responsible. He told me I was delluding myself. I told him he was "a big softie who is ashamed of himself for not being able to manage the family."
I let that conflict drop and stopped resisting the consideration of myself "actually being wrong" and "actually being a participant in this mess". Because DUH! Obviously I am. Not gonna get sucked into defending and chasing the idea of 'being flawlessly uninvolved". Right/Wrong personal value bullshit.
Of specific importance is the phrase "a big softie"- this is quite meaningful because I am not judging him or angry at him about it, I am simply supporting him. I literally mean it too- his whole body is this big, bloated, fragile, squishy soft thing. lol
Its ashame my sister had to take it this way, and go through that, I would not like to have my sister feel like this- but so be it. If this is what I have to face in order to place values where they belong then I will do it.
