My father was "why" my childhood was ruined- now the ilusion is coming up that his sins will bleed into my adult life as well. This is the pit of hopelessness. I will face it and continue walking process.

I just found a letter that was mailed to me from a debt-collection agency. My father left it for me to see on the counter.




About 10 months ago I was driving around in my father’s truck. He did not keep the registration up to date, and when I asked him to do so he procrastinated.



I got pulled over once, then hid the ticket from him. My “friend” said it was a good idea. I played along and felt pretty cool.



I got pulled over twice, and the police took the license plate. And gave me a fine, that, it turned out, could be nullified if I went to a certain building at a certain time and showed them certain papers.



I gave the second ticket to my dad and he said “I’ll take care of it”



he didn’t. I asked him, on and off, for months to take care of it and he didn’t.



many months later, when we finally did look at the fine-papers, while my father was smoking cigars with his girlfriend, it was by far too late to nullify the fine, in fact, it had been multiplied by 10. Now it was 1,200$ US.



This is very sharp and painful in me.



There was one moment, I was talking to him and my mother, I had somehow gotten them in the same room together- about the truck, my independence of sort.



I saw that my father had no intention of taking responsibility. I asked him:



“Are you just going to fuck me like this?”



He looked up at me and said:



“Definitely”



This anger, this hopeless anger that I am feeling (kind of, like the shadow of it) reminds me of the night my mother threw me out of her house in spite.



I wanted to stab myself/ my father with a screwdriver.



Luckily I avoided that situation.



My father did not pay the fines - I must now pay the fines. I am completely dependant on him. I have no job.



He left the letter out for me to see so he can mind-masturbate himself in my fucking eyes and feel some kind of sick pleasure at watching his corrupted seed take root in the flesh of my sclera, blinding me for the next 60 years and causing me nothing but pain and suffering as I stumble in the dark through the same vicious, merciless traps into which he has fallen. Like fucking goya-



How am I to let go of this anger?



that is what has to be done, no matter what.



I have to swallow my pride. and it’s fucking bitter. So fucking bitter.



I have my precious silver horde that I bought with money I made working in 2008. I will have to use that. That will cover it.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mind possession to take over me



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my father for how I have allowed myself to become emotionally programmed



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my father



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self-abuse by following my father



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by “my father”



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as my father



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify mind-idea possession



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed off of, and become addicted to that spite, that hatred, that hopeless self-pity and bitter, furious, malicious, resentment.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear existing in this world without money



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being poor



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as poverty



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my dependency on a wealthy lifestyle on my father



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear walking this world as what it is



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am somehow separate from those who experience poverty



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become content and nullified by my comfortable lifestyle



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to influence my participation with Equal Money by self-interest, and only seeing and caring about the world as far as my comfortable lifestyle goes



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as what is going on in this reality



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be only concerned with myself and my experience, not caring or seriously considering what is happening to others



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from others



What I will allow to be done to me I will allow to be done to others.



I will myself to live this.



Everything else is ego.