the development of my eating disorder(s) from 2007-2010 Part1

*(the star symbol, used as it is two inches to the left of these letters,  I will use where I write afterwards in edits. So that my 'different voices' can be seen.)

This started with abuse in my family - me developing a fear of 'being abused/ screamed at' this fear develops into a self-defense mechanism as a personality that stands as an "automated response system" that is "specifically designed" to be able to "deal with" or that is to say "to parry" the abuse that it has become obsessed with preventing. So the personality of the son (me) becomes designed by me in the image and likeness of my father

in school I was doomed from the start as far as social-relationships were concerned, because this fear of being "abused" was overwhelming, like an obsession, or a paranoia, I was constantly "seeing" situations where "I could potentially be abused" and then "handling it" by "bringing this 'abuse' out into the open" thru my behaviors. I would ACT like I was already being abused, and act like I was already 'proving to everyone' that "I was too strong" to succumb to such abuse.

-so I was never "on the same page" as most of the other kids, and this singled me out as 'a weaker member of the herd', so I was predisposed to be abused by others who had issues simmilar to mine. And when this happened, I interpereted the abuse as a manifestation of all of the compounded and supressed fears. I literally internalized any abuse directed towards me as something far 'worse' than what it actually was. I had actually BECOME the expression of this abuse and was directing it at me thru the medium of other children. Experiencing myself as absolutelty shameful and helpless.

So in addition I came to hate and despise myself for 'being so weak', and lived out this abuse towards myself. Constantly this relationship: from "all angles" I was beinng secretly psycologically tormented, humiliated and tortured: from 'the other kids', from my father, and from myself. -- All of it, however, was only a relationship I had developed with me. Nothing more and nothing less. How can it be possible that this exits as anything BUT "my relationship with me"? Did my father 'get into my head' and deliberatley PUT these thoughts there? No. I allowed them, I participated with them, I became them. Modeled after him, yes, but it was only ever an illusion that I was "helpless", because in reality I created these experiences.
So how does this then develop into eating disorder?

*(I notice in the paragraph above- how I throw my father into the list of influences, but in my later explanations below, do not really touch on him so much as I do my school personality. This is... telling. I was always ashamed of my family life- when other kids would seek pity and attention from brining up their family problems, I would be ashamed to think of myself doing the same-- apparently my 'school-life' had become an 'outside-cover version of personality-design, in order to 'hide and protect' the sensitivity I had towards 'who I was in the family' - which was, weak, abused, helpless.)
At age 13 I believed that all the abuse was scourced from my "social-life" - bringing up on my memories now, I see what an... absurd statement that this was. Of course it was ME abusing ME- of course. of course. Obviously... -but I really acted like I completely believed that if I could just be accepted by other people, that then "everything would be okay". Then.

By this age I had been conditioned to see (without really being aware of it) 'being in a social-position where sex was possible' as 'what it meant' to 'be accepted by other people'. So without ever really 'having a choice', I, like everyone else, was seeking a "socialized personality act" that would position me in a 'place' where i would have 'connections' that made sex possible.

(& do not fall into association with 'sel-victimization' here. -Notice that I was WILLING to abuse myself like this in my mind: I was the abuser. I was not 'innocent' from that perspective--- Like, for example: in my mind, "to be accepted" also meant that I was willing to 'crush' kids who were like me but 'weaker' in some way, in order to establish THEM as the "unaccepted" in order to 'make the statement' in the minds of the other kids that I belonged to the "superior" class. This could be rephrased: What I was Willing to myself I was also willing to do to others, for the same reasons.)

There was "an option" I saw available to me where I believed that "because I was so inept and inadequate, that it would thusly require 'extreme, intensive, "hard work" to 'right' myself." -- so "an extreme workout routine" to "make my body special", so that I would be an upgraded product on the sex market- made perfect sense to me and I entered into this at full speed.

Before long I was working out for at least an hour every day and my friends, family, and social-life responded to this by submitting to my 'authority', me representing some kind of 'sex demi-god'. This was the "power" and "control" that I had wanted, but fortunatlely for me I was already too possessed by my fear of being abused for this "positive affirmation" to have any effect. -the muscles and the attention from girls, my mother and friends did not do much to change my idea of myself- I did not believe them when they told me (apparently) that "now I really was special" (*but oh... did I try to. thank god reality never let me out of its cold, painful grasp or I would have been fucking trapped in that dream forever.)

the attention actually just made the fear worse, because, "now I had more to loose"- for example: What is 'a bigger deal' -- a homeless man being caught with crack or the president being caught with crack? -- thats kind of how it works. "Now that they like me MORE, it means that they will react MORE if they ever 'find out' who I really am as "weakness and shame" - so the abuse will be MORE. =ends up as even more fear, more social awkwardness, more 'not able to fit in', more 'being an easy target for bullies'.

(notice in the last two paragraphs that I continue to refer to the situation as if the "fear, shame and weakness" was the "real truth" of me- thank god I 'knew this', because in this context it is 'the most-real part' -- because the "strength and phoney confidence" was all created as a reaction to the fear, shame and 'weakness'; so these negative- emotions are like always "the primary point". and the positive+ emotions are the reactions that are 'piled on top of' the negative ones, and actually cannot exist without the negative-. the + just 'doesn't want to admit the negative exists'. The + is denial. Do not, never, never trust the positive.)

this fear of being abused and this inability to participate socially eventually resulted in my actual, complete inability to even pretend anymore. My 'friends' thought I was retarted or something- and because I had stood as the symbol for this 'sex demi-god', which they defined themselves as inferior to, which was a symbol of 'their oppression' - they were predisposed to find emotional gratification from "tearing me down / Tearing me apart" - and they did. this destroyed me as a human in this social-world, I would spend long periods of time hiding in my house with the doors locked and blinds drawn, hiding in the closet, hiding under my bed-sheets- I cut a slit in the blinds so I could secretly check to see if my 'friends' were going to show. This was what I was. I would sometimes seriously sit down and try to consider myself "insane"- from the perspective that "I really had no control over this" and therefore "was allowed to 'be like this' without fear of being abused by others for it because- I 'was retarded'. I wished for my family to consider me autistic or something, so that I 'could be given permission' to 'exist outside the system'.

so- after this my memories of my life go into a mad blurr. I have these 3 years (fortunately for me) written down in composition books, like a diary.

Durring this time, without friends, I remember going thru a period of audio-hallucinations, where I would hallucinate that my family was making fun of me, and then would be too afraid to explain to them what was happening, for fear that they might really actually be making fun of me and taking advantage of me to entertain themselves.

Instead of stopping my madnes, I continued working out much and continuing to focus my attentions on my body and appearence. It became absurd, seeing as how I actually had no social life and had not intention to seek one, so what gain was there for me to continue this regime, if really, as I believed, it was "about other people"... it was still me participating in self-abuse and secret self-judgment in my mind and hoping and wishing for an escape thru other people "accepting me" and "taking complete care of me" in that "i would be able to control them completely so that i could never have to experience these 'horrible' emotions again".  *(Just more of the same, with me not wanting to be honest about or face the truth of myself.)
So the self-abuse continues and I begin to disassociate from "what i appear like to others" - "being able to be accepted by others" -- this was necessary because there was "no hope" with 'others', and since I refused to actually stop myself, I had to find "a new scource of potential hope" to be able to "control" and thusly "escape from" 'this problem'.

'this problem' that by this point was no longer identified as fear and shame, but was now only able to be seen as anger. I was just angry that no-one had ever accepted me. I had fallen down so many hills that I had forgotten why I even started the hike. I was like a demon possessed, wandering the world aimlessly, only ever being aware that I was existing only as this anger that "no one had ever accepted me". This anger, as blame- blame, believing that I really had never any power to stop this, and that I was completely helpless. And within this blame, sadness and self-pity that I had been so abused by "them". Hiding myself within this blame, sadness, and self-pity- believing that as long as I could invent the existance of "an outside oppressor", that I could still exist in "hope", and mental-masturbation, that I somehow "deserved" to "be accepted" and "had a chance"- so that I could avoid seeing that I am the one who abuses me and I am the one who does not accept me. --this is The Only Way that the experience of "being unaccepted" can exist: is when I am actually not accepting myself. *(this period of total "lostness"- where I remember almost nothing off-hand, in early 2007 and again in early 2009- seems to coincide with the time I spent living at my father's house, 'alone', with no social-school-camp forcing me and driving me into the deepest most frozen pits of my hell where I could see my reflection in the ice. Instead I chose to hide from this reflection in the burning-torments of middle-hell. Where there is no way out for anyone who is too afraid to leave and face the deeper depths of their mind.)

Okay, so as I was isolated without social relationships around to charge my mind, I turned my attentions and HOPE towards being able to become "the perfect man", by creating a "system of ideals" that I would "live up to". These 'ideals' being primarily "being special" and "being beautiful". -by having my own set of "social rules", I felt like I would then be able to ascend into "acceptable-ness" even if others would not accept me.

so my body-building muscle-crap grew to absorb diet as well. Protien supplements at first, then vitamins, omega3's, flax-seed, herbal supplements- (all the way to 'supernatural' stuff like amulets and crystals.) ect. ect. Wanting to be immortal, this twisted idea of having "the perfect body inside and out".

but also, since early childhood, food was a 'stability-point' for me in this world, where within a chaotic, emotional, un-trust-worthy family-life, I 'could always rely on food'. It was like 'the only stability' that I had. So I had always, without any judgment, eaten food as an 'emotional stabilizer'. -this suddenly clashed with my ever-growing obsession with 'being perfect'

-out of time i will continue

my consequences of Self-Judgment

lol. so.

wait- stop and take 5 breaths. That opening sounds much like a personality-design, where I am 'entering into a controlled enviornment' that i have 'set up in my mind' so that I can exist as something that is "cool and more comfortable".

I want to start laughing- this is the mind. There is like a constriction in my chest around my heart, and in my stomach.

Self Judgment: has some pretty freakin serious consequences in me, in my experience of me.

All my pretty grandiose words have not really been worth anything because, apparently, I have not actually applied what I know. So i will undoubtedly end up in the exact same behavior patterns and realize that i have fallen flat on my ass again, from sitting down here, All participation with my external world becomes HARD. SO HARD. because I am trying to 'get it done' As I also suppress these judgments that keep coming up.

Hard to walk, hard to work, hard to get my responsibilities done. Especially on the forums and youtube- I create myself after the judgments that I make, so that when I will, for example, compare myself to others and define myself as inferior- I will become MORE an expression of this 'emotional opinion' and if I do not stand up and stop what I know to be mind, as thoughts, judgments, emotions- with unconditional self-honest application, like self-forgiveness, then I will continue to fuck myself into this. ... my self judgment will always take me to this kind of a situation where there is 'nowhere to go' and the ONLY option is to stop, apply myself and stand up for real- 'facing the world all over again' without 'any protection' -- It is my job to unconditionally expose myself, in self-honesty. "This is who I am". no self-abuse. Me as my abuser can only exist when I allow him to exist in SECRET. and- If im going to abuse myself, how can I ever expect this mess to be directed? I mean c'mon.

I judge myself because I do not want to stop and see, and experience, and realise just who I really am.
I prefer to stand aside and judge- because in this I am actually allowing myself to continue.
If I dont do this for me, If I am unwilling to do this for me, then there is no  one who can help me.

it is a long, slow process that must be practically honestly applied.

Sex, Mass Sex and Self-Judgment. Motherfucker

This is from a video I was going to put up, where I was talking about observations I had of mainstream music. In the video- the point of “having a harem of females” came up. I reacted to this and then wrote this in response. (I ended up not posting the video, I considered it a waste of time in the current of equal money)




I notice how I separate myself from and judge masculinity. More than anything else- the reference to the "glorification of one male having a harem of females" -- what does that say about me? -That I would prefer to portray and create the appearance that I am separate from such a desire, "separate" from the perspective that I (apparently) want to be 'the one who stands aside and separate' from such a desire and judges it -- It says that I am not accepting the desire as Equal and One with myself and I am existing in denial of who I actually am as Life, all expressions of Life are me. So why do I want a harem of females? I want this experience of being "unlimitedly sexually accepted" - because in my life so far I have experienced much sexual suppression from my mother and then myself. This insecurity in me has been supported and nurtured to mutate within me in school. So- "having a Harem" stems from how insecure I have become with myself as Life itself, how I am still seeking to hide from this world behind a mask of mask-ulinity and therefore would be "interested" in having an experience of "ultimate masculinity" as ‘a man’ with ‘unlimited sexual expression’ and ‘unlimited confirmation’ of himself as 'a man' by 'unlimited women'.
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex as greater than me
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being abused for being not able to participate in the sex system
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from sex.
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge sex.
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as 'the entity which judges sex' - not noticing that i judge sex as I have judged myself in relation to sex
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in sex from a point of fear from losing my male ego
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to use female in order to charge my existance as a male ego
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a vampire

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex as evil
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex as power

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want power over others
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as evil for having sexuality exist within me
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress sexuality within me for fear of being rejected

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected by my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design myself after my mother's judgments

my writing from June 17, 2010

By a narrow margin I just avoided another huge, painful, evil, murdurously fury fight with my mother.

She is still angry because 2 days ago I asked her to help me deal with my father- (he his not paying off fines on his truck, this makes the truck illegal to drive, and without access to this truck I am effectivley isolated to live in this prison of a home, trapped in here with this malign gremlin that is my mother.) she refused, "to be controlled" - and I fought back against "her controlling me" (defining myself within the context of her systems- becoming them) by fucking GRILLING her about her parenting. There is no "morality" no "love" in this relationship. She doesn't really give a fuck about me. This has been revealed many, many times. But still I react to this because "she is my mother" and this has emotional connections in my body.

so because I am not directing myself thru the reactions, directing myself thru the enslavement, I will experience this thing of "oh I have no fucking Idea 'where/who/what I am'.

Like I have said before- there is no "glory", no "grand-ness" no NOTHING in directing myself thru this with my mother. IT JUST SUCKS that this exists in my world, that this kind of crap is allowed to exist and limit and take advantage at all. and thats it. it is my task to direct myself thru my emotional enslavement to this relationship. and this means walking thru the points that I have delt with before.

I am going to go back to my mother, who is still holding onto that spiteful charge of 'blame' towards me (lol- all her alcoholism, all her compounded self-judgment and all her self-limitation and fears and self-pity and shame and frustration with her life- all somehow 'my fault'. lol. what a fucking nasty mess. I know I should not be reacting to this, should not be enslaved to this, that I should simply see her for what she is without being defined by it.) - I am going to go to where she is right now and say... what is appropriate and honest...

I will say to her:

"The way things work in this family: I am stopping this with or without you. What we do to ourselves and each other is evil- will you help me?"

...

okay, back. It only took a minute. I breathed thru the first part of it but 'forgot' later- here is how it actually worked out:

{I walk to the kitchen where she is preparing food for her family. even if I had not rubbed her emotions the wrong way earlier, just by the way she stood, held her face and was moving I would have been able to tell that she was feeling hopeless and frustrated}

{and just as i enter the room she is in, as i analyze the situation as i described above, I consider 'how I will hold myself' - this is something that I do not typically notice. This processing happens very fast. So, durring this 1 or so second, I consider:

"should I come in and be, like: 'chest out' with a 'loud, demanding voice'?
should I avoid calling her 'mom' and instead act like she has not that power over me?"

"no" I decide, seeing how this is me reacting to and charging her emotional construct and abusing her with masculinity so that I can "win the energy"

so I let go and inhale and say:

"mom. I dont wanna fight."

Dana: "Fine. Go"

I feel like i should leave, that I am an asshole for staying. But i do anywat and recite:

"I am stopping this with or without you. The way this family works is evil. Will you help me?"

she looked up at me and made this expression:

both her hands help up, palms out ---- ("i refuse to get my hands involved with this work)

both kind of in front of her face ----- ("this symbol and what it represents is more important and relevant than my very face")

with her eyebrows up ----(as if I am "stupid" and she is 'demonstrating to me' how surprised I should be by this information -that must be very 'new' and very 'stark in contrast' / 'brilliant' in contrast to: 'what must be contained' in 'what must be' my 'small, limited, and poorly functioning mind' -- and my mind must be 'poorly-functioning' because I apparently "do not understand" what she does. She literally believes that the mind is God. and that I do not understand God- because I am disregarding god. when in reality: she is the one who does not understand that God IS something to be disregarded, because God is useless.

---This intimation of hers with her eyebrows/eyes has been allowed to create SERIOUS anger in me, many, many times. This is why. it is like a curse. I have even tried to operate within that context, where I present myself to her as if I actually AM slow and stupid, and from this "developmentally challenged" platform I push honesty and responsibility - still she resists and accuses me of 'being fake' because i have "developed" this "affectation" on perpose.

and this is why I have been angry enough to murder her. Because in the context of these symbols- I am/would be freeing myself, as she allows me as Life NO room to exist. -- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a murderer.)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I exist through my mothers thoughts, opinions and feelings

I forgive mself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself by allowing myself to be directed by my mothers thoughts, opinions and emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by, follow, and give power to the anger I experience when I see how fucked I am by my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself and blame Dana for who I have created myself as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am able to "be free" "from Dana" if i follow and participate in farther designing and contruction of this emotional matrix- by directing all the abuse and control back to her and trying to control her

I forgive my mother for giving up on herself

I forgive my mother for wanting to hide

I forgive my mother for blaming her world for who she has become

I forgive my mother for allowing herself to be abused by me

I forgive my mother for allowing her to abuse herself

I forgive my mother for becoming addicted the the "victim/abuser" polarity

I forgive my mother for allowing herself to become a victim

I forgive my mother for allowing herself to become an abuser

I forgive myself for accepting and allwoing myself to become a victim towards my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become controlled by my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'fight back' against 'being controlled' with 'more control'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my mother to 'get this control'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as "disgraceful" "evil" "not worthy of life" for abusing my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get fucked by my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my mother's systems

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become my mother's systems

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am "an unacceptable male" because my mother does not approve of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must "find a female to accept me as a male to be able to be 'worthy of exising' "

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my ideas

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become defined by and enslaved to my ideas

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become "a male"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must hide behind "male" in order to exist in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear existing openly and honestly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must hide behind "male" to exist in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the monster that is male towards self and others, in order to defend the existance of this idea

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse me as the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from the world in the mind

okay. cool, cool stuff. This is going on the forum as well. Well, the Self-forgiveness will be.

http://desteni.co/za

July 16, 2010 11:22pm

She had brought up how my father’s depression and apathy was creating problems for her. I said ‘great. lets deal with it together’. She was only interested in controlling the world/ my father in her emotional self-interest. So to my imposition she reacted with frustration/stress and self pity. And then blamed me for her reaction. I told her she was a “selfish, spoiled little brat” and things escalate from there.




there were two times when I was just at the wall- where my emotions were telling me to harm her or break something- and here I stopped and disengaged- but twice I went back, SO ANGRY with myself for not directing- for going back here AGAIN, demanding that I “fix it so I can be better” - this is still polarity where I judge myself for being “powerless” and then go back to seek being “powerful”, but these are still emotions and i am still seeking emotions so inevitably here I fail and am angry with my mother, because she is not stopping. So I am not stopping. so I blame her and blame myself for this situation and I am angry that I am angry.



my mother is one sick and twisted evil fucking bitch



and thats just a fact. that I am going to have to deal with on my own and stop depending on my parents to help me through this life because I have been waiting for them to help me for years and they will not. It is my task to carry MYSELF in this world, and this will be FUCKING HARD. SO FUCKING HARD- I have been afraid of this for years, afraid of taking this responsibility. It is so much, so hard, I am afraid of being alone, of having no-one to care for me and comfort me. So obviously this is bullshit. If I am unwilling to stand thru every experience, then my application has been dishonest and I still cling to personality design. This is my task. I will need to ACTUALLY get a job. Not as like “oh i will try” but like: I will MAKE THIS HAPPEN.



there is no ‘glory’ to be found in this situation- it is not like i am going to become some kind of “kingly”, “special”, “awe-inspire-ing” person because i know my task is to direct myself in this world ALONE. This is not “special” THIS JUST SUCKS. and thats the world, i will not hide behind my parents money anymore. It is a freakshow back there, and I will no longer accept this abuse of myself as this “symbolic identity” within and as this construct- it is time to manifest LIFE as my unwavering principle. Thank you desteni, for showing me that this is possible.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist for energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into “mind withdrawl” symptoms durring the day when I am applying myself: “extreme tiredness” “depression” “lonely-ness” “anger and blaming others for this situation”



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from me, here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and separate myself from myself as ideas

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on manifesting physical presence as self-stability, because the mind says “this is too hard” - “this is impossible” - “this is for superior people” -- and then stop and find “some kind” of comfort for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a personality-design that is unwilling to let go of comfort

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a system-construct that functions within and as a part of this system, supporting the abuse of me, the abuse of others, the abuse of life.

MOTHERFUCKER

July 15, 2010

recently I noticed this:


with my family, when I am in a position to talk to them and explain why I am who I am, I always falter and nothing comes out well. Without being able to move and express, I go into memory and try to pull out some information to parrot, but this I don't do well and the whole thing falls flat.

this shows me how I am existing separate from these systems that my family stand for, and judging myself in inferiority/superiority. I am not operating openly, honestly, but am looking for a way to use words to manipulate the situation so I can dominate the construct and establish myself as "superior" in the way that I judge desteni-productions and its message to be "superior" to "the rest".

I was raised in THIS world. I was raised within and as a part of THESE systems, so, how can I be anything other than this? All that i have known?

Here it is helpful for me to DROP the intersts of personality and energy, so that I can speak self-honestly to my family about is going on from simple, un-superior, equally-available-to-all, common sense.

and stop existing requiring others to stand as generators for my personal interests of energy. this way i can stand only as sharing, without be biased towards 'the kind of feedback' that i want to hear.

i do not need my family to stand in this world. If i do, then i do not deserve the life i have as I am not accepting responsibility for it, and therfore I am actually squandering this life. I forgive myself for what I have become and I will not allow me to squander myself anymore. I accept the process of self-correction and purification -as a trial by fire if need be, so that only what is solid, stable and real will remain in the ashes, where the rest will have burned itself out, revealing its nature to be unstable and of energy.

It will be immensley helpful in my life to Stand with or without my family, to start living real life and not a bunch of relationship-systems that are dependant on stimulation and energy.

July 14. 2010 -- Writing to develop self-direction

breathe. I have noticed how I have spent 2 years existing existing in complete and utter self-neglect and self-abuse. Always existing in the hope that tomorrow some kind of salvation would come to me. This took the form of a worshipping of Desteni and the faces associated with it, a fear, actually of the abuse I was aware I would allow to be do to me from others.

This was apparently "the problem"- that I was afraid, but no it was actually the self-judgment. That is where I am required to stand.

the fear is a point that shows me what I am allowing. continuing to judge this fear as an inadequacy in order to separate it from myself, so that i can actually continue existing in an illusion that says: "I do not have to stop. I do not have to stop now and forever, because there is nothing I can do."

"but how do I know that I should stop?"

No. I do not allow this, I know this to be the mind. I want to go into an explanation because

"but how do I know that I know that that was mind?"

No. I do not allow this. I am here. This is what is real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become abused by this mind. I direct. I will. I will direct.

Saturday July 10, 2010

It is my task to give myself a place where I am allowed to give myself the validity required to test and experience who I am so that I can direct myself to stability and unconditionally effective trustworthyness.

trust that can be proven in all situations with all living things is equality and self-honesty.

this is what I am here to apply: self-responsibility.

I am here on this blog, now, because I have driven myself to a point where my participation on the Desteni forums has been revelead to be: me following and constructing my self-interest, seeking acceptance and approval from others so that i can feel special and accepted. To continue justifying my existance as a mind-system, this can only be done at the expense of others. I cannot allow this to continue, no matter what the expense, it is my responsibility to create myself as something that can exist equally and in harmony with whatever is around me.