She is still angry because 2 days ago I asked her to help me deal with my father- (he his not paying off fines on his truck, this makes the truck illegal to drive, and without access to this truck I am effectivley isolated to live in this prison of a home, trapped in here with this malign gremlin that is my mother.) she refused, "to be controlled" - and I fought back against "her controlling me" (defining myself within the context of her systems- becoming them) by fucking GRILLING her about her parenting. There is no "morality" no "love" in this relationship. She doesn't really give a fuck about me. This has been revealed many, many times. But still I react to this because "she is my mother" and this has emotional connections in my body.
so because I am not directing myself thru the reactions, directing myself thru the enslavement, I will experience this thing of "oh I have no fucking Idea 'where/who/what I am'.
Like I have said before- there is no "glory", no "grand-ness" no NOTHING in directing myself thru this with my mother. IT JUST SUCKS that this exists in my world, that this kind of crap is allowed to exist and limit and take advantage at all. and thats it. it is my task to direct myself thru my emotional enslavement to this relationship. and this means walking thru the points that I have delt with before.
I am going to go back to my mother, who is still holding onto that spiteful charge of 'blame' towards me (lol- all her alcoholism, all her compounded self-judgment and all her self-limitation and fears and self-pity and shame and frustration with her life- all somehow 'my fault'. lol. what a fucking nasty mess. I know I should not be reacting to this, should not be enslaved to this, that I should simply see her for what she is without being defined by it.) - I am going to go to where she is right now and say... what is appropriate and honest...
I will say to her:
"The way things work in this family: I am stopping this with or without you. What we do to ourselves and each other is evil- will you help me?"
...
okay, back. It only took a minute. I breathed thru the first part of it but 'forgot' later- here is how it actually worked out:
{I walk to the kitchen where she is preparing food for her family. even if I had not rubbed her emotions the wrong way earlier, just by the way she stood, held her face and was moving I would have been able to tell that she was feeling hopeless and frustrated}
{and just as i enter the room she is in, as i analyze the situation as i described above, I consider 'how I will hold myself' - this is something that I do not typically notice. This processing happens very fast. So, durring this 1 or so second, I consider:
"should I come in and be, like: 'chest out' with a 'loud, demanding voice'?
should I avoid calling her 'mom' and instead act like she has not that power over me?"
"no" I decide, seeing how this is me reacting to and charging her emotional construct and abusing her with masculinity so that I can "win the energy"
so I let go and inhale and say:
"mom. I dont wanna fight."
Dana: "Fine. Go"
I feel like i should leave, that I am an asshole for staying. But i do anywat and recite:
"I am stopping this with or without you. The way this family works is evil. Will you help me?"
she looked up at me and made this expression:
both her hands help up, palms out ---- ("i refuse to get my hands involved with this work)
both kind of in front of her face ----- ("this symbol and what it represents is more important and relevant than my very face")
with her eyebrows up ----(as if I am "stupid" and she is 'demonstrating to me' how surprised I should be by this information -that must be very 'new' and very 'stark in contrast' / 'brilliant' in contrast to: 'what must be contained' in 'what must be' my 'small, limited, and poorly functioning mind' -- and my mind must be 'poorly-functioning' because I apparently "do not understand" what she does. She literally believes that the mind is God. and that I do not understand God- because I am disregarding god. when in reality: she is the one who does not understand that God IS something to be disregarded, because God is useless.
---This intimation of hers with her eyebrows/eyes has been allowed to create SERIOUS anger in me, many, many times. This is why. it is like a curse. I have even tried to operate within that context, where I present myself to her as if I actually AM slow and stupid, and from this "developmentally challenged" platform I push honesty and responsibility - still she resists and accuses me of 'being fake' because i have "developed" this "affectation" on perpose.
and this is why I have been angry enough to murder her. Because in the context of these symbols- I am/would be freeing myself, as she allows me as Life NO room to exist. -- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a murderer.)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I exist through my mothers thoughts, opinions and feelings
I forgive mself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself by allowing myself to be directed by my mothers thoughts, opinions and emotions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by, follow, and give power to the anger I experience when I see how fucked I am by my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself and blame Dana for who I have created myself as
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am able to "be free" "from Dana" if i follow and participate in farther designing and contruction of this emotional matrix- by directing all the abuse and control back to her and trying to control her
I forgive my mother for giving up on herself
I forgive my mother for wanting to hide
I forgive my mother for blaming her world for who she has become
I forgive my mother for allowing herself to be abused by me
I forgive my mother for allowing her to abuse herself
I forgive my mother for becoming addicted the the "victim/abuser" polarity
I forgive my mother for allowing herself to become a victim
I forgive my mother for allowing herself to become an abuser
I forgive myself for accepting and allwoing myself to become a victim towards my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become controlled by my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'fight back' against 'being controlled' with 'more control'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my mother to 'get this control'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as "disgraceful" "evil" "not worthy of life" for abusing my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get fucked by my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my mother's systems
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become my mother's systems
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am "an unacceptable male" because my mother does not approve of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must "find a female to accept me as a male to be able to be 'worthy of exising' "
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my ideas
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become defined by and enslaved to my ideas
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become "a male"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must hide behind "male" in order to exist in this world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear existing openly and honestly
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must hide behind "male" to exist in this world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the monster that is male towards self and others, in order to defend the existance of this idea
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse me as the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from the world in the mind
okay. cool, cool stuff. This is going on the forum as well. Well, the Self-forgiveness will be.
