She had brought up how my father’s depression and apathy was creating problems for her. I said ‘great. lets deal with it together’. She was only interested in controlling the world/ my father in her emotional self-interest. So to my imposition she reacted with frustration/stress and self pity. And then blamed me for her reaction. I told her she was a “selfish, spoiled little brat” and things escalate from there.
there were two times when I was just at the wall- where my emotions were telling me to harm her or break something- and here I stopped and disengaged- but twice I went back, SO ANGRY with myself for not directing- for going back here AGAIN, demanding that I “fix it so I can be better” - this is still polarity where I judge myself for being “powerless” and then go back to seek being “powerful”, but these are still emotions and i am still seeking emotions so inevitably here I fail and am angry with my mother, because she is not stopping. So I am not stopping. so I blame her and blame myself for this situation and I am angry that I am angry.
my mother is one sick and twisted evil fucking bitch
and thats just a fact. that I am going to have to deal with on my own and stop depending on my parents to help me through this life because I have been waiting for them to help me for years and they will not. It is my task to carry MYSELF in this world, and this will be FUCKING HARD. SO FUCKING HARD- I have been afraid of this for years, afraid of taking this responsibility. It is so much, so hard, I am afraid of being alone, of having no-one to care for me and comfort me. So obviously this is bullshit. If I am unwilling to stand thru every experience, then my application has been dishonest and I still cling to personality design. This is my task. I will need to ACTUALLY get a job. Not as like “oh i will try” but like: I will MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
there is no ‘glory’ to be found in this situation- it is not like i am going to become some kind of “kingly”, “special”, “awe-inspire-ing” person because i know my task is to direct myself in this world ALONE. This is not “special” THIS JUST SUCKS. and thats the world, i will not hide behind my parents money anymore. It is a freakshow back there, and I will no longer accept this abuse of myself as this “symbolic identity” within and as this construct- it is time to manifest LIFE as my unwavering principle. Thank you desteni, for showing me that this is possible.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist for energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into “mind withdrawl” symptoms durring the day when I am applying myself: “extreme tiredness” “depression” “lonely-ness” “anger and blaming others for this situation”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from me, here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and separate myself from myself as ideas
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on manifesting physical presence as self-stability, because the mind says “this is too hard” - “this is impossible” - “this is for superior people” -- and then stop and find “some kind” of comfort for myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a personality-design that is unwilling to let go of comfort
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a system-construct that functions within and as a part of this system, supporting the abuse of me, the abuse of others, the abuse of life.
MOTHERFUCKER
