lol. so.
wait- stop and take 5 breaths. That opening sounds much like a personality-design, where I am 'entering into a controlled enviornment' that i have 'set up in my mind' so that I can exist as something that is "cool and more comfortable".
I want to start laughing- this is the mind. There is like a constriction in my chest around my heart, and in my stomach.
Self Judgment: has some pretty freakin serious consequences in me, in my experience of me.
All my pretty grandiose words have not really been worth anything because, apparently, I have not actually applied what I know. So i will undoubtedly end up in the exact same behavior patterns and realize that i have fallen flat on my ass again, from sitting down here, All participation with my external world becomes HARD. SO HARD. because I am trying to 'get it done' As I also suppress these judgments that keep coming up.
Hard to walk, hard to work, hard to get my responsibilities done. Especially on the forums and youtube- I create myself after the judgments that I make, so that when I will, for example, compare myself to others and define myself as inferior- I will become MORE an expression of this 'emotional opinion' and if I do not stand up and stop what I know to be mind, as thoughts, judgments, emotions- with unconditional self-honest application, like self-forgiveness, then I will continue to fuck myself into this. ... my self judgment will always take me to this kind of a situation where there is 'nowhere to go' and the ONLY option is to stop, apply myself and stand up for real- 'facing the world all over again' without 'any protection' -- It is my job to unconditionally expose myself, in self-honesty. "This is who I am". no self-abuse. Me as my abuser can only exist when I allow him to exist in SECRET. and- If im going to abuse myself, how can I ever expect this mess to be directed? I mean c'mon.
I judge myself because I do not want to stop and see, and experience, and realise just who I really am.
I prefer to stand aside and judge- because in this I am actually allowing myself to continue.
If I dont do this for me, If I am unwilling to do this for me, then there is no one who can help me.
it is a long, slow process that must be practically honestly applied.
