recently I noticed this:
with my family, when I am in a position to talk to them and explain why I am who I am, I always falter and nothing comes out well. Without being able to move and express, I go into memory and try to pull out some information to parrot, but this I don't do well and the whole thing falls flat.
this shows me how I am existing separate from these systems that my family stand for, and judging myself in inferiority/superiority. I am not operating openly, honestly, but am looking for a way to use words to manipulate the situation so I can dominate the construct and establish myself as "superior" in the way that I judge desteni-productions and its message to be "superior" to "the rest".
I was raised in THIS world. I was raised within and as a part of THESE systems, so, how can I be anything other than this? All that i have known?
Here it is helpful for me to DROP the intersts of personality and energy, so that I can speak self-honestly to my family about is going on from simple, un-superior, equally-available-to-all, common sense.
and stop existing requiring others to stand as generators for my personal interests of energy. this way i can stand only as sharing, without be biased towards 'the kind of feedback' that i want to hear.
i do not need my family to stand in this world. If i do, then i do not deserve the life i have as I am not accepting responsibility for it, and therfore I am actually squandering this life. I forgive myself for what I have become and I will not allow me to squander myself anymore. I accept the process of self-correction and purification -as a trial by fire if need be, so that only what is solid, stable and real will remain in the ashes, where the rest will have burned itself out, revealing its nature to be unstable and of energy.
It will be immensley helpful in my life to Stand with or without my family, to start living real life and not a bunch of relationship-systems that are dependant on stimulation and energy.
