Facing desire to smoke weed/pot/marijuana by self-writing

my sister came home with pot tonight,






and I really want to smoke it





shes smoking it right now





I’m not going to do it.





I need to stop all of this kind of a thing





and rely only on myself





I want to smoke pot because I know it will make the rest of my night not as stressful, because I will be doing lots of studying





but I’m not going to do it





and its quite difficult, I have changed my mind twice now and ‘begun to move’ to get myself pot,





thats funny- my sister is holding the pipe in front of my face right now-





wtf





lol





also that point of “wanting to believe that everything is okay’





and that “I am acceptable”





and that





“there is nothing wrong”



-these are somewhat valid points, actually, because my “desire” to not smoke pot is based

coming out of a reaction I have had towards my not getting out of bed when I wake up and instead going back to sleep.





Worthy





Unworthy





Pot is this point of “oh I am okay here in this moment, and none of that other stuff actually has to exist”-





but





this insight that I have already experienced on pot is totally wasted because I believe I need the chemical high to “do that”





and while occasional pot is...





I mean fuck





whatever.





I’m-





okay I stop-





Im was going again into the superiority point to suppress the inferiority that I am feeling





It is not about: “I am going to stop smoking pot so I can become Alexander The Great”





that is obviously still feeding the mind





Sister is gone now, no pot is possible tonight





thats cool





yea





its just about me applying these basic points so that I can keep my reality as simple and stable as possible.





Not much more to say. When I finish this, I must breathe, and be aware that this superiority-inferiority is active right now. In every action I must observe myself in self-honesty and through this be sure that there are no points I am allowing to direct me, that there are no points of polarity that I am allowing to be interpreted as being a part of my self and thusly am living out in action.





a point is coming up at this- the point of “I don’t know what to do”





“I don’t know what to do”





“I’ve already failed”





“It’s too late”





this is... some fucking wicked shit. Its sticky. Sticky fucking sour sweet. Don’t trust this. NEVER.





I’m not going to give it another word, because I am what decides the circumstance. I am what decides what I am capable of handling.





lol





superiority point coming up again.





alright. I’m done here. Kudos to me for not smoking pot.