Okay.
So it looks like my extended family is going to run across desteni in a short while
thanks to facebook and social networking,
and I am very afraid.
So, what am I afraid of? That’s interesting, because it seems like I would like to believe that I am NOT afraid of such things, but oh lordy am I, apparently.
Thats really odd. Because I know that there is actually very little they can do to me.
I mean MAYYYBBEEE
maybe
they can sick the psychiatrists onto me, and that might work. But... that thought did not even come up until I typed “there is actually very little they can do to me”
so it was likely not what I was afraid of in the first place.
So it seems like I am afraid of “this world”.
(tsh. It sounds so simple! lol)
-from the perspective of believing that the family protects me from this world.
fuck
that
shit
I need to get out of this fucking place
and that means... I have to live on my own.
Someone told me once that I Was deliberately suppressing this point because I was afraid.
and that point came up for me again two days ago:
I realized I was afraid of actually living in this world with no money. I never believed that this would exist in me, because I always thought being poor would be a really cool thing: I could just sit around under a tree all day and eat out of the garbage and no-one would ever bother me.
but I’ve never considered actually living in the system with no money.
I can’t just stay in this fucking house.
I mean...
my father is simply NOT supportive. That’s just... it sucks. That is like the LAST thing I need, is to ‘have him’ in this ‘position in my life’ where he is my solitary, main point of human contact.
He does not know what it is like to live with him. Just being around him drains me, its like... I don’t know how to deal with him. Because I’m placed in a position where I must be able to stand and direct him constantly.
because he is not standing at all.
and I usually just get sucked into his shit.
and land myself in a mire of depression.
it is simply better for me to be living on my own. Even, this way I can more effectively support my father. and me.
My mother is aware of what it is like for me and my father. From this point she has offered to support me in getting my own place.
and that’s cool.
so I have two job applications on the list today. I overslept again (which sucks, that really sucks and is getting in the way of my work- I will do a post on that)
so I am going to do some self-forgiveness on these points that are active.
and then I’m going to leave early so that I can enjoy the privileage of being able to go out and beg someone to let me sell them my labor so I can afford my independence.
