alright
I must stabilize this point in myself so that I can face this woman, my writing teacher Krista, without reacting to her so that I can direct the situation appropriately from the starting point of maximizing my effectiveness in this system for equal money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Krista
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being isolated and exposed in front of the class
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being isolated and sexually “stripped” of all value as a “male-unit” in front of the class
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as inferior to beauty and to sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fucking programmed by sex and beauty
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in this world moved by points that I have the tools to stop and stand up to
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cripple me with values attached to pictures
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards Krista with anger and ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame Krista for how I am responding to her abuse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist Krista
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into denial, as a martyr, as “a victim that is standing up for itself” as “a revolutionary”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress inferiority in me in reacting to Krista, and then creating the illusion of superiority- which is ‘revolutionary’. Just immense inferiority.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the system of right and wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist without the intention to actually ever stand up to and stop the judgments and value-abuse of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind in any given moment of expression- justifying this procrastination
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself- this is what it is to be a ‘revolutionary’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look to the other students to accept me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the solution is to be found in my “winning” in the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect and abuse myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into shame because of how I have reacted to Krista
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the void of “I am wrong”- instead of seeing this as a problem that needs to be stopped, and using it like that, going into suppression, denial, and hiding
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the system as blame, because I don’t want to face how conditioned I have become, how weak, fearful and ashamed of myself I am within the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from me as shame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from me as fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘weakness’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘strength’
“strength” and “weakness” are both values that I establish based off of the perception of the other students- ‘what they would think’ - from a starting point of suppressing and hiding from inferiority.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed and possessed by the fear of what others think about me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in fear of others thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from others thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as absolute responsibility for who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck around in my life when I must be consistent and actually test and investigate myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide in self-victimization so that I can avoid having to stop and stand and actually face the world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as special
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define special as “acceptable”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear “not being acceptable”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear “being rejected”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as breathing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved and directed from a starting point of energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create, hide from and thusly hold onto these values of “not being worthy” / “being rejected because I am not good enough”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me by the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing procrastination, excuses and justifications
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to me, even when I know that I am lying
