... do I have any idea about who I am? Do I REALLY know whats going on?

So.

I’m really fucked now.

I have put myself in a position where there is no room for secrets or “fucking up”

and I have fucked up

I will share here, because I am obligated to, that is better for me.

“better for me”

and there’s the fucking problem right there.

That will become apparent as I type, likely

So.

Here is what has happened.

In recent times, I have built myself up to a point where-

okay. That’s not very clear. I will start over.

my value in this world I determine by the attention, the kind of attention that I get from others. This has “always been” how I have lived.

very desperate

alright. Kind of stagnating here, I will continue:

so. What has happened. Awhile ago I opened up a certain point that gave me attention in a certain way- and this to me was a form of freedom. Which I fell into quite hard. That point of “freedom” through “achievement”

-not considering my starting point. Not wanting to stop myself and deal with that. Not wanting to let go of who I have become as my motivations and desired experiences in this system.

So, eventually, in pursuit of this point, it became apparent that I was not what I imagined myself as “trying to become” -which is already like a form of cheating, because I am not that already- I am counting my chickens before they hatch and selling them on the market before they’re due. I’m presenting myself as something that has not been proven, tested, or verified. The motivation is only the IDEA of: “Oh well how cool could it be if I was: this”

kind of like this “coolness”, being able to “handle everyone” and “be successful with everyone”

-and that’s a total form of lying.

...to myself

So. This happened earlier in 2010. This point of “success”

(this point was also active with my friends, when I had “won” in that system... like the exact same thing, the exact same form of self-obsession)

...and eventually I fell on my face. Thats what my “intelligence” fucking gets me in this world- a tool that I use to painstakingly provide me with the stimuli I believe I require to feel better about who I am- and avoid having to stop and walk through that experience of actually fucking stopping.

So yea, I “won” that game- and drove myself into a point where I obviously was just living a statement of “talking to myself”- tsh- thats kind of important: that point of “others”- and the belief that “its real if they say so”

-and wanting that illusion. I have brought this up before... but, for some reason, for who knows what reason... I did not stop.

I have some really, really messed-up values... like, that’s the only way. I am, I must be, a particularly sick and wicked thing, if I can observe what I have and still not stop.

I have no fucking idea who I am or what is going on.

that’s why, after three years, I have failed process. I have totally failed... that’s kind of obvious.

So.

Recently, with me pushing through one particular point of “inferiority”, and again apparently “winning” attention-

by posting videos...

I have effectively and completely isolated myself in my mind. Into a point where I am “allowed” to “do certain things” that I previously would not have ‘dared’ to do because of the self-judgment and the fear. This is the "highlighting" of my "mind-bubble".

So.

Point one:

Bella.

god. fucking hell. I put up a video where I was blaming my father for how fucking shitty I feel about his “blame” and then using my “position of authority” as a “skilled youtuber” to feed myself pity and attention.

Which I did quite well. I mean, really, I set that up very effectively.

-and then suppressed the fear of “what others might think about me”, when the thoughts came up about certain points of inconsistency in the expression.

(here are the points:

1. I said I was doing it for others, when obviously I was doing it not for that. I mean, why else would I fear, and then feel the need to explain why I am doing what I am doing?

2. I basically was just saying that “I am unable to fucking handle this situation”

)

Now- how I suppressed this was with this THOUGHT:

“Oh. Well, I am always afraid of what other’s think of my videos. So, I will just speak some self-forgiveness and try to believe that everything is okay and then I will probably forget about it- and maybe it will work out anyway and others will not be disgusted with me, because that has happened before.- where I have experienced this fear and then have been complete out of tune with what others think.”

So... obviously already right there, my entire intention is not even about honesty, not even about assisting myself to help me, but only to ensure that I will be accepted.

that- the same, that is why I am here typing.

because I am so afraid of being rejected, and cannot imagine myself with no-one who “cares” about me and “accepts” me.

-that is how I hide from myself, in that kind of expression. I have become completely dependant on it.

so. Right now, I am going to say that I will continue with Desteni and Equal Money. Even if I do actually turn out to be the most evil and wicked bastard that exits, that is not going to stop me from doing what must be done with this life that I have. This... miserable “thing” should be directed towards what is best for all.

that must be why I exist. I mean... nothing else is relevant...

so- I am going to continue sharing what has happened in the last couple days- disastrous.

1st. That video where I was glut feeding the victim

Bella came to the comments and tore off my dick:

“Are you really getting off on this?”

I mean... it was so appropriate. I sat in this chair, stunned. Thinking of and wanting to mutilate myself to death.

I wanted to die. That is a horrible experience. I was sick with myself, just fucking ill. I thought I had become so good... and now, blatantly in front of everyone... I was fucking destroyed and exposed.

then, well, I think it was actually a couple of days beforehand, a girl came onto my comments pages and rubbed my ego-

this trend has crept into my awareness recently as well- an extremely disproportionate reaction to my ego and my value as my ego.

just

“zero patience”

for ANYTHING that ‘crosses me’.

this has come up with my father. and my sister, and my mother.

like a fucking demon... I was completely blind to myself, because I had become infatuated with my ability to use words to succeed and become something cool.

I also started back-handing and slapping the dogs when they jump onto me and snap. That is a first. I never would have done that three years ago.

and I thought, when I feared that maybe I had become a monster, I justified it. Because my grandfather would “be fine” with it.

and so “it was normal”.

Shiva yelped once, when I gave her the knuckle, and I wanted to cry but was laughing in this really... demonic way.

I don’t know how else to train them...

meaning...

I don’t have the patience to actually teach them how to not jump in a more appropriate way...

because I am too busy trying to make my upper body strong by playing pull with them- and too busy trying to achieve the results, the production, that I want to see in my life.

I have faced this point before as well. “tunnel-vision.”

“tunnel vision" towards ‘proving myself’ to ‘the one who judges me’

-and refusing to consider anything else. I don’t give a fuck if I am being abused in this process or that I am abusing myself- all I fucking care about is “getting there” and “finally winning”

this is simply possession. fucking mind possession.

I’d be wont to make a video about this point, it is kind of important.

...but I fear that my motivations...

I am afraid I will throw myself into the den of lions and then “everyone will hate me”

So. Let me push through this desire to completely give up right now and talk about that.

(there’s another useful thing to notice: that at points like this, where I am at a place to see just how vast and lost I am, I just give into this self-pity, and I justify quitting, and falling back to comfortable sleep, by the illusion that “there is no way it can ever be sorted out”, faced, or dealt with, and therefore “it makes no sense” and “looses all meaning”, and I continue to “wait for something better”.

-this is why I failed process from the very beginning. Because “it was just too fucking much”.

I’ve been in denial about my demons... and have managed to hide them quite well... I would believe that I have somehow “gotten worse”...

because of this last few series of events

but thankfully I am able to see that this is not the case.

because specific events of mortifying abuse and demon possession have come up, on occasion, since age 15.

-so. The dogs. No hitting anymore. I will stop maintaining them from a point of

self-abuse

self-neglect

superiority-complex

and just do what I have to in order to make their lives as comfortable as possible.

also.

“Cathy”

who stands as a point of “mother” and “caring” for me-

sees me say this to someone who rubbed my ego the wrong way on “my youtube page”:

“Get the fuck off my comments pages you fucking idiot”

...

I was trying to be funny... like Glenn Beck.

I removed the comments for the fear that others would hate me for it- but I had linked my facebook to my youtube. and so I was fucked good, I cant hide from that. Cathy reveals how I tried to remove the comment and dislikes the video.

...alright. This is kind of a relief... this has come up before, thank fucking god... I did not intend to abuse her like that... holy fucking shit... jesus fucking christ. lol. I kind of want to break down and cry.

...

I spoke with my sister about this point... I have done things and been things in my life that I have not wanted to see... not wanted to take credibility for... and not wanted to stop.

Self-Honesty is Stopping.

Thats just the way this shit fucking works. god-damn it.