Self-Forgiveness as I watch my chinese history online homework lecture videos for school

alright




self forgiveness as I watch my chinese history videos



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself here as self-direction as breathing



its amazing how little I actually breathe



I have some humility pills to take



-



I am not stable in myself as I watch the video. I am not satisfied or entertained by this- I am tired, I will start to ‘squirm’ and look for ways out



and on this observation, I am motivated to start ‘looking for answers’... ummm I don’t think this is going to help.



Im just going to continue breathing and making certain that I am here in every breath



-



alright, its been like 6 minutes and I am falling asleep.



SOOOoo



Im going to put some caffeine in me and do some push ups.



-



okay that seems to help.



I heard that the relationship that people generally have with caffeine: “it makes you not tired” -is a mental relationship.



Im going to leave that one for now, and address it when sugar, cigarettes and then finally masturbation have been dealt with.



Im finally going to establish stability with those points. I just MUST.



-and get my life moving so I can be a benefit to Equal Money and have some fucking dignity as I exist here.



Its been awhile with sugar and cigarettes. I got so sick of the fucking lies and the bullshit excuses and depression- I just stopped and I will continue to stop. Stop that shit.



-



so the video re-set while I was sorting out this little thing that I am doing- I have to find my place in the video again with the difficult-to-use streaming video software and I react with



-ooookkkkayyyy-



why don’t I sit up- I am slouching quite a bit. Like a troll.



alright.



reacted with anger:



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my thoughts



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the mind and become defined by it and enslaved to it



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and purity



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self-pity



I did not notice that point



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame “out there” for who I am



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist reality and go into denial and separation- through self-victimization



-



thoughts running about a girl I talked to online



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into self-judgment, and start computatively sorting through my memories and looking for weak spots, where I fear I may be vulnerable to this judgment



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-judgment



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide who I am behind appearances



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself as self-forgiveness



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define self-forgiveness as ‘dumb’ / ‘not effective’ / ‘I have already failed’



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withhold from myself the tools I require to get the fuck out



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define “getting out” as a form of superiority



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in superiority and inferiority



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project inferiority onto my thoughts, believe it is real, and then really fuck myself



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction and breathing



I must be willing to face all points, every point that comes up in my life, all I have is breathing...



I have failed in every moment up until now- and now, even, I have no idea. I will have to apply myself to vigorously...



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction in each and every moment of my exitance



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as inferior to “hard work”



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define “hard work” as “a great achievement”



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become deluded by superiority



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being exposed for my delusions and lies- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from shame



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define “superiority” as “greatness” achieved in spite of the exitance of shame



I am responsible for who I am and everything I experience



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately victimize myself to avoid having to face points





I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to me



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing lies



--



8:37



Continue to squirm a little bit



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as breathing



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately victimize myself by blaming the system for how I am spiteful and judgmental to me- this was the thought that just about came out of me:



“Its unbelievable how little I actually am. I better... something.”



some crap like that or whatever. Just self-victimization and then blame so I can avoid being responsible for myself.



Alright- I have not masturbated in... four days. and this is becoming a problem now- and has been for quite awhile been a problem-



specifically with this sleep-thing, where, when I am in a Quiet-space and it is “really time to work” and there are “no distractions coming up”, I will start to, without thought, actually, become aroused. Which is kind of odd.



whatever.



Im not going to masturbate- because I have set up a schedule to get me off of this shit. Now that cigarettes and sugar are pretty stable, I am going to masturbate once per week over the next four weeks- and then go over the deep end and REALLY push for once every 21 days. Just to see what its like. I have been a chronic masturbator. lol. Boy do I like my orgasms. lol. wtf. Alright- lol- so yea. I have gone 21 days once before, but started again and apparently did not seriously intend to change... so... too late now... I wasted the time. I have to start over and push through all the points all over again.



okayyyyyyyy.... so back to watching.



well first I am going to get up, walk around a little, take...



35 deep breaths on the four count (I will have to get a tally, or I will forget)



and put an ant-acid pill into my stomach... and.... then come back and work.



lol

I wanted to go say



“and then go eat something good”



and thats kind of embarassing. But I have already eaten. I could use some water, tho.



inhale!



hold



exhale



hold



9:03pm



Just brought up a plan I have with my father to sell 30 silver-dollars out of my hoard and donating it to equal money- fascinating how my father resists-



but why do I take it so hard? The sadness and crushing feeling in my chest is just so not necessary and totally irrelevant to this situation- so why does it happen?



Im about to fall into that point of “searching for a grand answer”- thats a tricky fucker.



All I can do is breathe, and continue to apply myself in consistency and dedication



boring, boring dedication and consistency



I want to go out and buy prostitutes and do a whole bunch of cocaine right now- lol. Thats fun in this reality.



lololol



wtf.



alright.



enough of that shit. I have to get back to serious stuff. I’m gonna make this happen no matter what.



lol



just thought about how I am towards this man who is talking in the video:



“Sir, I don’t mean to tickle your ego or anything, but I just wanted to say that I am very grateful that I have been able to experience you as a professor. You are very skilled at what you do, but just not as skilled as you think you are.”

okay.



damn it.



Thats really clever and all... but look at what I am doing. I could say the same thing to myself. lol. Goddamn it. It is just another thought that I am using to entertain myself.



GOD!



why does reality have to be so boring!!



alright- that^ leaves the door open to me leaving to entertain myself somehow



(thought just came up of Oxy- an opiate painkiller I have abused to suppress myself- and I really feel like: “Ewwwwww”. How shitty. Nope. No Oxy.)



so- not good enough,



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist boredom, and try and suppress and ignore my addiction to this point of “hope that the future will be ‘fun’”



^this feels like childhood stuff, “Fun”. Okay- yea. That’s probably some pretty ‘deep’ stuff. It makes alot alot of sense to look at this as if I was a child torn between some kind of extreme sensory overload and sitting in the house being ignored. Lol



shitty.



alright



breathe



ihale



hold



exhale



hold



inhale



hold



exhale



hold



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here as self-direction in every moment



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become defined by things like “fun” and “entertainment” and “hoping for fun to pop up” as: food... playing with others... being given attention.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependant on this point of ecstacy and elation of “fun”.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here with thoughts and hope



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect the directive principle



alright- also- there was a point-



oh.



Yes. That point of ecstacy-



its not about strong or weak.



So... just to observe that now and bring it up, because that will probably come up... nahhh



I should just deal with it here



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define stone-cold, hard, alone, isolated, independent, 'does not need others’ - as strong



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing male-ego programming to take place in me



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define support from others as weak



Support is cool- and this point of “fun” and “playing” can be used for support- but it is like sex in that it can also be an addiction.



and it is required for me to not need it right now.



Thats hard.



but not superior or inferior



just harder. more shitty.



lol



and thats it.



I would be no different if I was supported “out”



than if I “got out” on my own



I’m not giving attention anymore to this point of “getting out”



I have no fucking Idea what “out” means, so my focus should be on me, here, supporting myself here. and that should be my only focus.



---



9:20



WOAHHHHH



just saw a picture of COINAGE from ancient china-



WOAH



DEFINATELY do SF on currency cash!



----



9:46



Uhhhhhhh



this sucks so much



I wanna talk to people. I don’t like sitting here alone.



alright.



damn.



FUCK THAT. such a waste of time, that this world requires such useless bullshit. What a fucking waste. Its a crying shame.



Alright- self forgiveness again. I must be able to do this.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependant on attention from other people to support myself



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need attention from other people to support myself



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need other people to give me permission to believe that “I am allowed to be this way”



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependant on other people to support my existence as a functional mind system



It should not matter if I am alone or with others, I am me always.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious about being here, as LIVED self-stability



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear LIVING myself