Im looking for a girlfriend and the last series of "interviews" failed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependant on my idea of Jasmine




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined me as having failed with Jasmine



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support me in my life



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my idea of Jasmine as real



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from my idea of Jasmine



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by desire for relationship



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame me for not being able to make my fantasies real



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from and suppress me



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an Idea of “who I want to be” and then plan on “making that happen”



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as not being good enough to handle myself, direct myself, or deal with my world



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with desire for sex and relationships



holy fuck... how I fell... and I believed I could handle it by “being strong”



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as “male”



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from me here
 
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alright. I haven't proof-read that or anything. lol
 
It was just from last night and I had it sitting on my desktop. But- Im gonna talk more about a couple of points that are still swirling around in me in regards to this experience:
 
1. Projecting my stuff onto her.
 
it was pretty clear that it was over. I had gone into my mind in the earlier days and had imagined myself 'being happy' with her and 'being comfortable' with her. So- this, interestingly enough, and regardless of how "strong" I believed I was, resulted in a depression that seemed to be completely disproportionate in relation to the "high" that I had been experiencing.
 
I knew I could handle it. I've fucking pulled myself out of worse.
 
Alright. That which I just wrote sounded a little weird. hmmm... I will leave it. I don't see anything wrong with it. lol. "wrong". Alright. This is going no where. Im going to continue where I left off.

I was quite depressed about having to end the interaction (Instant Messaging), and felt like I had failed myself. Almost like an inner crying.
 
So. There was a point where I kind of knew that I could handle it, that it wasn't "the end of the world"- so to speak. lol. I mean, obviously it was not. So I ended it.
 
That form of "strength" that is active here, that is the other point.
 
I noticed, in my speaking with her, that I was able to be extremely direct. Very cool. I reacted to that with ego and perverted the expression with an idea of "manlyness". Like a "slowing down" of the expression.
 
Luckily, tho, this crap completely collapsed- and in the end it was she who was stable. lol. That was embarassing. There was one point where I told her that "it seemed like she was depressed" - she laughed, and said "no". I stopped, and said "yea, no". Just me completely projecting all of my shit onto her.
 
So thats, like, really not cool.
 
that point where I would just completely not be aware of myself in that way. So that was a point of support for me to see how I had lost myself to my mind in "looking for a girlfriend", and, as she said: I fell into points of "Trust"- trusting and hoping and deluding myself with ideas of how much easier/better my life could be with "female". Trusting and hoping that energy (love and sex) can save me from myself, from who I am and who I have become in relation to my world.

So this is cool. What I have, and all that I have in this world is my own WILL.
 
not a point of "strength"...
 
but just my being able to say "this is what is going to happen/ this is what I am going to make happen"
 
and then it happens. That is like my invaluable jewel, my golden pearl. Which I should gaurd with everything I am, the purity and trustworthyness of my own willpower.
 
This is where 1+1=2 comes in really handy. It makes "golden peal maintenence" much more simple. Just live in the simple points of "what I have to do" to "make shit fit together" in my world.
 
and that's gotta fucking happen.
 
oh- I intend to get a girlfriend eventually, this is preferable. But- first I am going to sort out:
 
family
money
school
dogs
 
that has to fucking happen. I will stabilize these points first, and then I will have the time for a girlfriend, if it is possible. and I am very picky.